A Love Like No Other

On this day in 1959, my grandfather (Papa) and my grandmother (Grammy) were married. They’ve told the story of how it snowed like crazy that day. My Papa sometimes pulls out receipts from that day to show us how much the reception hall cost and how much the bar bill was for everyone. He looks at the picture of them from that day and says, “See the glimmer in her eyes? That’s where it all began.” Sadly, he’s the only one of the two that can recall the events from that day; that day and so many other special days in their lives.

I imagine that 53 years ago when they took their vows “In good times and in bad. In sickness and in health…” they knew that someday they would both get old and gray. I don’t think that either of them pictured how things are now, though. Dementia has taken so much away from our family, but mostly from my Grammy and Papa. His love for her is unconditional and absolutely awe-inspiring. I’ve never seen anything like it. The way he’s always looked at her, talked to her and about her, and just loved her is amazing. People could only hope that they experience just a day of this in their lifetimes.

53 years is an incredible feat. But having so much life and love in those 53 years is unheard of.  Yes, I believe whole-heartedly that they have been robbed of their “golden years” and that what has happened is unexplainable and unfair. However, I try to look at a little glimmer of light through it all. I also believe that their love story will carry on for many generations to come. I know my future children will know all about this love story and I have no doubts that because of its beauty and strength it will continue to be told until the end of time.

My heart aches for them and (maybe selfishly) for the rest of us that feel helpless against this disease.

There is nothing for us to do except watch the love story’s heartbreaking ending. But, true love never dies-- no matter the circumstance.  Someday, somewhere, sometime, somehow, all will be perfect for them once again.

If you feel like being generous, hop on to www.alz.org to help find a cure for Alzheimer’s OR please visit the site and sign the petition to get the government to do something about this tragic disease

The next step

It’s official. I went to my fertility doctor today to start the IVF process. Talking about it all today really started to make me sad and nervous and mad and scared and frustrated and annoyed and overwhelmed… I could probably keep going, but I won’t. I can’t believe we’ve gotten to this point. Yes, I know it’s common these days, but that does not make me feel any better. I feel like such a failure. This empty feeling is just getting worse and worse and it breaks my heart that this is what we have to go through for a baby.

I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard today. I guess, maybe, because it became real today. I’ve been crying since I got home and I don’t want to stop.

In case you don’t know anything about the IVF process, here’s a link to the FCI website:

http://fcionline6.reachlocal.net/fertility/assisted-reproductive-technologies/in-vitro-fertilization

The doctor said that chances of conceiving go up to 40-50% with IVF. Awesome numbers. With the success rates going up, however, so do the risks. There are risks of infection, internal bleeding, enlarged ovaries, birth defects and miscarriage. All of it just seemed so overwhelming.  I feel like I just don’t want to do it. I’m going to, of course, but I want to throw a fit about it.

Tomorrow I will start with a fresh attitude. Tomorrow I will wake up and be positive about all of this. Tomorrow I will be thankful that my insurance covers all of this and that I have a lot of support from my husband, family, and friends. Tomorrow I will suck it up and do what I need to do to have a baby. Tonight, though, I think I’m just going to cry and have a bottle of wine.

Two in One Day!

Here we are... 16 days past IUI. Negative test. No period. This is so frustrating and annoying! I'm almost sure that the test would've shown a positive if there was a chance that I'm pregnant. I'm 99% sure that I'm not pregnant. It's just that 1% chance that is driving me absolutely crazy. Today, at work, I got a really bad headache and felt a little queasy throughout the day. I left work a little early, took some ibprofen and got some caffeine in me and within a couple hours my headache was going away. Oh, and I picked up a test on my way home.

Of course, I'd be late this month... when I'm freaking out about this. I'm going to call my nurse tomorrow so I'm sure she'll tell me to come in for a blood test if nothing's happened by tomorrow. I'm just nervous that if I don't get it and I'm not pregnant, that means I didn't ovulate. With the clomid and an ovidryl shot one would think that's almost impossible. Who knows. Guess I'll find out tomorrow. Fingers are still crossed... but this is just ridiculous.

Peanut Butter Bars

This weekend we went to our friends' house for a game night. I decided to bring some Peanut Butter
Squares that I made for a Christmas party a couple of years ago. It's a simple, no bake recipe that is perfect if you feel like indulging. And you definitely have to want to indulge if you make these... they are SUPER rich.

Here's what you need:

1 cup of butter
1 cup of peanut butter (I've found that Peter Pan is by far the best peanut butter to use with cooking/baking)
3 cups of confectioner's sugar
1 and half cups of graham cracker crumbs
1 bag of milk chocolate morsels

First melt the butter in a large pot:

After the butter has melted, add the peanut butter and melt that with the butter:

Once the butter and peanut butter are in liquid form and melted, remove from heat and add the confectioner's sugar and graham cracker crumbs. Continue mixing (with a spoon is fine) until the mixture is no longer dry. The mixture will be obviously not be smooth because of the crumbs.

When cool enough (which is pretty quickly) pack the mixture into a 9x11 baking dish or raised cookie sheet.

Next, melt the chocolate and pour/spread evenly over the peanut butter mixture.

The "recipe" I used said that you should chill the bars in the refrigerator for an hour before serving. I, however, have found that if you let them sit out (NOT in the refrigerator) they are much better. When I put them in the refrigerator, they are hard to cut, crumbly and the chocolate comes off. My advice is to just let them sit out for a while before serving... maybe cover them with foil, though.

Last step is to cut and enjoy! YUM!

13 days past IUI

13 LONG days past IUI. Last night I had a dream that I took a positive test. So, this morning, I woke up and was really excited and feeling good. I took the test at about 5:45 am. Negative. I know it's still a little early, but I've read that so many people that use the Early Response tests get their positives at like 10, 11, 12 days past IUI or ovulation. No such luck this morning.

While I'm crabby as hell about this, I still feel pretty normal. The only weird thing that I noticed today was that as I was reading a story to my class, I had to swallow every few seconds. I couldn't read more than a sentence or two without having to swallow! Excess saliva. It was weird and gross. After I finished the story, I went to my desk and ate some pretzels to try to help it out. Then, of course I really couldn't stop swallowing because I was thinking about. Still no facial breakout which is usually a clear indicator that AF is on its way. Still a few days of hope left.... fingers crossed, again.

It was in the house!

Today is 10 days past IUI. All last night I kept waking up and thinking about the stupid pregnancy test sitting in the cabinet. Needless to say, I lost all will power and took it this morning. Well duh... it was negative. I know it's too early, but it's getting REALLY HARD to wait. It's almost like you just want to take it to feel like you have control over something that has to do with the whole situation.

Feeling good still. Normal. Today my back hurt a little bit and then I had weird shooting pains in my breast, but other than that completely normal. Usually, about a week before my period arrives, I break out in one spot on my face. Last month, as soon as that happened, I felt like I knew it hadn't worked. I've yet to break out this month. Could mean nothing considering I'm on progesterone and stuff, but everyday I don't break out, I get a little happier.

I don't have any tests in the house right now. I was tempted to stop at Walgreens so I could take one tomorrow morning, but I resisted.

This wait sucks... unless it worked... then it'll be MORE than worth the wait.

Surprise!

Today was my best friend's 30th birthday. Lindsey has been there for me in good times and bad for the past 20 years of my life. She's sweet, caring, funny, understanding and can put up with a lot without losing her temper or treating people poorly. She's awesome. I'm so lucky to have someone like her as a best friend.

Yesterday, Lindsey's sister, mom and boyfriend threw her a surprise 30th birthday party. It went perfectly because she had absolutely no idea. When Linds walked in, you could see the shock in her face and also how happy she was feeling. As she walked over to us, and she hugged my sister, my eyes went directly to her hand. And there it was.... A BIG FAT DIAMOND!!! Her boyfriend had proposed to her that day. Two amazing surprises in one day!

Words can't express how happy I am for my best friend. She was glowing last night... seriously! I've never seen her so happy. She deserves every bit of it.

Keep it up, 2012... I like where we're headed!

Sleepless Nights

Today is 4 days past my first IUI. I’m feeling incredibly anxious today. The past few days haven’t been too bad at all. Actually, I felt pretty good. I had two busy and successful days in the crazy world of 7^th grade (I’m a 7^th grade Reading teacher). Still feeling energized after school, I worked out, cooked dinner and got some cleaning done. Then, today came along. I feel like I want to jump out of my skin, eat the world, cry, laugh, sleep, and run… all at the same time. Make sense?

I haven’t felt any symptoms or anything like that. I know, I know… it’s really early. BUT, in my defense, in the trying to conceive world, people track their symptoms throughout their entire cycle religiously. With the exception of not being able to sleep well and this anxious feeling today, everything is normal. The sleeping thing, I’m sure, has to do with the fact that I can’t stop thinking about the health issues of a few members of my family. Between Alzheimer’s, cancer, depression and our fertility issues, it’s certainly cause for a girl to have some sleepless nights!

Fingers crossed!

IUI and signs

And so it begins...

My husband and I went this morning for our second IUI. We both feel very confident and positive. We have so many people sending us thoughts and prayers and it means so much to us. We are so lucky to have so many caring people in our lives both near and far from us.

On our way to the clinic, our wedding song came on the radio (Can't Help Falling in Love by Elvis) and so immediately (as dorky as I am) I reached for Dennis' hand and squealed, "It's destiny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". I, of course, got emotional and started thinking about our wedding, our love story, our struggles with conceiving and how much we want this. I took it as a good sign, though. PLUS... it's Elvis's birthday. Anyone who knows me also knows how much I love The King. Just another sign, I think. When you go through struggles like this, I think you cling to anything you possibly can. I've always been big on signs and things like that, anyway, but like I said, going through things like this kinda makes you a little desperate (crazy?).

This IUI was different from the others I've had so far. My nurse told me my cervix was really far back so it took her a few different times and she used a few different instruments to get there. As I'm typing this now, hours later, I'm still feeling major cramping from it. Oh well, it'll all be worth it if we get that baby!

For this IUI, I asked my husband to come into the room with me. It felt special. Maybe it wasn't the type of special moment that people have when they create a baby conventionally, but my husband and I have never been conventional, anyway.


I know this baby would get here a lot sooner if it would just realize how much it's going to be loved. Here's to the 2ww... starting now.

Wish us luck!

Tomorrow is the big day! Tomorrow morning and Sunday morning I’m going to get my second dose of IUIs. We had the choice to do just one insemination, but I think I’ll feel guilty and wonder “what if?” if I don’t go that second day, as well. The timing and location of this weekend’s events is a little inconvenient, but I suppose it could be worse. My normal clinic is closed on the weekends so we have to travel a little.

My husband is out tonight so I’m relaxing at home and getting ready for tomorrow. I’m going to try to do something calming and relaxing. Doctors have said that the less stressed you are, the more likely you are to conceive. They don’t know me very well! Even during relaxing activities I tend to get anxious and want to move on or something. It’s hard for my mind and body to be in a relaxed state at the same time. I suppose I could look into that more and maybe do some research on ways to do both, but I’ve just never been very good at it.

I need some positive thoughts and prayers. If you’re reading this, send them our way. My heart hurts a little more every month that goes by without a positive pregnancy test. I know I shouldn’t live my life this way, but it’s hard to keep living the life I want to live when all of my thoughts revolve around this. Fingers crossed for a little miracle!

Patience is a virtue

Here we go, again. This morning I went to the fertility doctor to check to see if I’m ready to ovulate. Not yet. My nurse said that I will probably be ready on Friday. So, in a few days I’ll go back and get another ultrasound and more bloodwork. If all goes well, the procedure should be on Saturday. More waiting…

Small Fry Daycare is where I attended preschool. Much like many other preschools, we put on a holiday show. Despite the fact that this was 25 years ago, I remember my part in the show very clearly. How strange is that? At one point in the show, I had to walk up to the baby Jesus in the manger, place some hay in it, and say, “Patience is a virtue”. Now, two words that I teach my students come to mind: irony and foreshadowing.

Irony comes to mind because I’ve never been a patient person. I’m anxious and can’t wait for anything whether it be good, bad, happy, sad, etc. So, I guess my part in the play wasn’t like having a wish granted or anything because baby Jesus did not bless me with patience. Foreshadowing then comes to mind because I need to practice this “virtue” more than ever right now. My patience has certainly been tested over the past year. They say that good things come to those who wait, but how long is this wait supposed to be?  

Positive thinking, though!!! My husband and I are excited for this IUI. And I’m trying to channel my preschool self, “Patience is a virtue”.