The next step

It’s official. I went to my fertility doctor today to start the IVF process. Talking about it all today really started to make me sad and nervous and mad and scared and frustrated and annoyed and overwhelmed… I could probably keep going, but I won’t. I can’t believe we’ve gotten to this point. Yes, I know it’s common these days, but that does not make me feel any better. I feel like such a failure. This empty feeling is just getting worse and worse and it breaks my heart that this is what we have to go through for a baby.

I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard today. I guess, maybe, because it became real today. I’ve been crying since I got home and I don’t want to stop.

In case you don’t know anything about the IVF process, here’s a link to the FCI website:

http://fcionline6.reachlocal.net/fertility/assisted-reproductive-technologies/in-vitro-fertilization

The doctor said that chances of conceiving go up to 40-50% with IVF. Awesome numbers. With the success rates going up, however, so do the risks. There are risks of infection, internal bleeding, enlarged ovaries, birth defects and miscarriage. All of it just seemed so overwhelming.  I feel like I just don’t want to do it. I’m going to, of course, but I want to throw a fit about it.

Tomorrow I will start with a fresh attitude. Tomorrow I will wake up and be positive about all of this. Tomorrow I will be thankful that my insurance covers all of this and that I have a lot of support from my husband, family, and friends. Tomorrow I will suck it up and do what I need to do to have a baby. Tonight, though, I think I’m just going to cry and have a bottle of wine.