Tired

The babies will be 7 weeks old in a couple of days. I can’t believe we’re surviving this! I'm tired.The past 7 weeks have been the most trying and exhausting days of my life. On facebook, I read people’s statuses and look at their pictures and get jealous that they are living a “normal” life. I know things will never be the same, but at least we will have our new normal when the babies come home.  It’s hard not to feel alone in this journey even though we have people all around us. It’s a very unique situation that not many people can relate to. I never thought I’d be experiencing it. I know it’s made me a stronger and more patient person, but I still don’t understand why it had to happen to us… to our babies.

The babies are doing well. The morning I last blogged, I hadn’t gotten my morning update from Dennis, yet. A little while after I posted, he called me and told me that both of the babies had had a rough night. Violet was back on the cannula and Cameron was having heart rate drops. Hearing these things was difficult and made me anxious to be with them for the day. When I got to the hospital I felt more alone than I had in weeks. Luckily, I have an awesome mom who came up to spend the rough day with me. The babies dsatted a lot and Cameron had a heart rate drop or two. Their monitors were going off all day! It was awful. Those monitors are enough to make you crazy, that's for sure! That seemed to be the worst of it, though. The babies are doing well today.

Yesterday marked the day that I would’ve been exactly 33 weeks pregnant. I don’t think I’ll ever get over how early these babies came. However, considering everything, we really are very lucky. We hit a HUGE milestone today when Violet had her first BOTTLE!!! Bottle feeding starts when the babies are doing well with their breathing and are showing signs that they can handle the bottle.  She took 10 mls out of her 36 ml feeding. She did so well and we were so proud of her. I couldn’t stop crying through the whole thing. Bottle feeding is a huge step closer to coming home. For now, she’s only going to be trying one bottle a day and we’ll slowly work our way up depending on how she tolerates them. At this rate, there’s a very good chance she’ll be coming home before Cameron. Our sweet boy is still on anywhere between 32 and 38 percent oxygen with 2 liter flow of oxygen. They’ve tried to wean him down a couple of times, but he doesn’t seem to like it very much. Hopefully, within the next few days he’s able to tolerate the weaning. We’d really like to see that oxygen lowered. He is not ready to bottle feed with his breathing issues. He is, however, getting a lot bigger. Cameron is now about 4 lbs 7oz and Violet is 3 lbs 14 oz. They’re really doing a nice job with their weight gains.

I’m not sure how we’ll handle Violet coming home before Cameron… especially if it’s before the holidays. The whole thing breaks my heart. While I want her home more than anything in the world, I feel sick thinking about taking her home and leaving him there. First, I’m not sure how I would take care of her and go spend time with him and second I HATE the idea of him being in the hospital by himself and not here with us. Our family won’t be complete until we are all here. I just can’t wait much longer!!!

Best Moving Day Ever!

Yesterday was one of the most precious days of my entire life. As I sat kangarooing Cameron, our favorite nurse, Megan, came over to me and asked, “How do you think Cameron would like a change of scenery?”. I knew exactly what she meant and I got excited. It was FINALLY time for the twins to be moved next to each other!!! It’s been 5 weeks tomorrow and the twins haven’t been near each other. Within minutes, they began moving the bed that was currently next to Violet and started getting Cameron ready for the big move.

Once he was in his new spot, we couldn't take the smiles off of our faces. Dennis was kangarooing Violet so he was able to watch everything happen, as well. Then, even though I’d held Cameron for the day already, Megan took him back out and we were able to take our first FAMILY picture. Needless to say, my eyes are ridiculously puffy because I couldn’t stop crying. We waited so long for that moment and it was finally there. We held them there for a few minutes just soaking everything in when Megan said, “Okay, now I’m really going to push it”. She took Cameron from me and put him in Dennis’s arms. Dennis was holding our two babies and they were as close as they had ever been since being born. For us, it was absolutely incredible. I loved seeing them together. It was one of those few times in life when you picture something in your head over and over and then when it actually happens it’s even BETTER than you’d imagined. We all know that doesn’t happen very often. It was absolutely beautiful and it’s something I will never, ever forget. When I’m 100 years old, and I’m about to peacefully die in my sleep (because duh, that WILL be how it happens), I will have the images of last night running through my mind.

 

 

Violet slept through pretty much the entire thing. This was a little surprising to us because she’s our little party girl. She always has to try to stay awake when she knows someone is there. But, she was out like a light for the big move. Cameron, who sleeps through everything, was WIDE awake. He was the most alert I’ve ever seen him. His eyes were big and it looked like he just kept trying to figure out what the hell was going on. They were both so cute. We kept saying that Cameron was telling Violet she can’t boss him around anymore just because they are close again. I told Violet she can’t be a bossy pants, but I don’t think she’s going to listen. I told them both to look out for each other and to keep each other company when Mommy and Daddy aren’t there. The move actually made leaving a little easier because I knew they were so close. They’re finally together again. While they’re still in their incubators, it shouldn’t be too long before they can come out and be in NICU cribs. Cameron is wearing clothes and Violet will probably come off high flow and move to regular nasal cannulas soon. I’ll say this until the day I die (which will be when I’m 100): my babies are miracles. I love them more than anything in this world and I can’t wait to get them home. Miracles do happen.

One Month Old!

Our babies turned one month old yesterday! In a way it seemed to go by fast, but then I think about being in the hospital and the day they were born, and the first time I saw them in the NICU and it feels like a lifetime ago. I also think about the fact that that means we’re only about a third of the way through this (hopefully!).  It’s so strange.

We made it through Thanksgiving! One of the main reasons we were able to make it through is because when we arrived at the hospital, Cameron was on the high flow nasal cannulas! We were so happy. Violet was taken of the cpap earlier than Cameron, but this little man seems to be catching right up. They are both doing so well.  Every day that goes by is one day closer to bringing those little angels home.  They are making this so much easier on me by fighting so hard and progressing as they are. I’m so proud of them and pray that they continue to get bigger, stronger, and healthier every day.

With the holiday season starting, the emotional roller coaster is hitting me again. I’m not going to be decorating or putting up my tree this year. I’m not anti-Christmas or holidays or being happy or anything like that. I just know that every time I’d look at my tree, instead of getting that warm and cozy feeling, it would just make me miss the babies more. I can’t imagine missing them even more than I do now.  It’s getting harder to leave rather than easier and I think it’s because they are starting to really seem like BABIES. They open their eyes so much more and respond to our voices. Holding them is the most amazing feeling in the world because they are so content and warm and snuggly. It’s perfect. I never want it to end while it’s happening. I have to admit, though, it does get quite uncomfortable for my neck because I can’t help but stare at them the entire time.  

Everyone keeps asking when they will be home. The fact is, we don’t know. We don’t know because they are preemies. Today, they should be 31 weeks old… GESTATIONAL age. Instead, they are one month old. It’s absolutely insane. I know there are still so many what ifs and so many possible things that can happen, but I have faith that they will pull through. They are such miracles. We are so lucky that these babies survived! And now they are doing so awesomely.  One of the nurses said, “it’s okay to be happy, but you know you have to be cautious… you can’t trust a preemie”. After she walked away, I whispered to Cameron, “I trust you. I trust you and your sister”.  I hope that gave them some extra fight.

I can’t wait until the day I feel whole again. My chest feels empty and my mind is always thinking that I’m missing something. I know exactly what those somethings are and soon they’ll be at home with me, Dennis, and Ivy. Keep sending the love, prayers and support. 

Keep Keepin' On

It's a few days after Cameron's ligation and we're still waiting for this turnaround we've heard so much about. The past couple of days we noticed that he was twitching quite a bit and the nurses seem to think it's because he's in pain. I can barely stand when I see him like that or when I think about my baby in pain. I feel like I'm going to be sick each and every time. He's on a lower dose of morphine right now because they think the higher dose was making him a little lazy. Since he was being a little lazy, he was not generating his own breaths. This is what we need him to do to come off of the ventilator. While I was there today, the nurse kept telling me he was having a good day. While I still saw a lot of twitching (we were reassured that it's definitely not seizures), he seemed to be okay and his alarms weren't going off at all. She also had him on a lower percentage of oxygen which was making him work more. I know my little sweetie can do it, he just needs some time. My sister and husband have been telling me that he's just going to be more like me when it comes to pain and healing. It's always taken me a long time to heal or recover from something. Perfect example: the c-section. My infection is still here, but it's getting better. I wish it would just leave already so I can feel more normal... physically, at least.

Even though Cameron hasn't been doing too great, he has gained weight. He is up to 3 lbs now! Our little flower is up to 2 lbs 7 oz! She's doing very well. Violet had a little bit of an off day today, but the doctor believes it's because she needed a blood transfusion. So, as I type, my little sweetheart is getting a blood transfusion. She's up to 20 mls on her feeds and they started her on vitamins today. After her feeding, she threw up. I have a feeling that everything was just a little much for her today (meaning the 20 mls and the vitamins). I forgot to mention that Cameron is also back on feedings (2.5. mls).

I'm so tired of people looking at me. It sounds weird, but I feel so uncomfortable because I know people are studying how I look and how I'm acting. I know most people are just concerned and trying to help, but I've never had so many people study me and comment on my appearance in my life. It's a strange feeling and it's starting to get to me. Even if it's a compliment, it still feels awkward.

So many people have been so wonderful and caring throughout all of this. You certainly realize how many people truly care for you when you go through something like this. You also realize there are some people that just don't get it or are even more self-absorbed than you thought. Those aren't the people that matter, though. The people we've been focusing on are the TONS that are praying for us, supporting us, and helping us get through this nightmare. We are lucky to have so many awesome people in our lives... and even some that aren't really in our lives at all! I received adorable and thoughtful gifts from one of my best friend's future mother-in-law yesterday. I had never even met her, but she told me how happy she was for us. And she's certainly not the only one who has been so generous and thoughtful. Between all of the gifts, messages, visits, phone calls and help, we're somehow surviving.

Thank you to all of you. Someday Violet and Cameron will know how much love and support they received while our family was going through this difficult time. I will make sure that they realize how amazing it all has been. Keep praying for the loves of my life.

One Week Old!

My babies are one week old today. What a week it’s been. This roller coaster of emotions is unreal and I’ve reached a level exhaustion that I’ve never imagined.  Recovering from a c-section is not a pleasant experience at all!  I can’t believe people who say that it was a breeze. I’m STILL pretty damn sore and it’s a week later. I get my staples removed today so hopefully it’ll start to feel a little better after those are out.

The first few days in the NICU were like a really long and weird dream. It’s so hard to go into that room and just stare at them in their little beds. Seeing them hooked up to all those monitors and ivs was absolutely heartbreaking. It still is, but I don’t allow myself to really look at it or dwell on it. If I think too much about any of this, I’ll have a breakdown. I’ve had a ton since last week. Things could be perfectly normal and all of a sudden I’m crying. I want them to be home so badly it makes me sick. I wish I could just take them in my arms and protect them in the way a mother is supposed to protect them. I feel so much like I’ve failed. I couldn’t stay pregnant for them and now I can’t do anything to help them. They are my babies and I’m supposed to be the one person in the world that can take care of them and fix everything. Instead, they are laying in incubators fighting for their lives. I’ll be sorry forever that I can’t do anything about that. I’ll be sorry forever that they have had to work so hard just to breathe. I know my babies are strong and they are fighters, but it’s not fair that they had to be so early in life. The hard stuff is supposed to be later in life… not right when you’re born.

Our sweet little flower is doing amazing. She has been off the ventilator for days now and is close to breathing completely on her own and getting feedings.  Dennis went to see her this morning and told me she still has a small hole that needs to close inside of her (patent ductus arteriosus) that we were hoping would close on its own. Since it’s not, they will give her some meds and if that doesn’t work they will have to do surgery. I’m praying so hard that the meds work. I know the surgery is a common practice in the NICU, but I don’t want my baby to have to go through surgery. Please pray for her. Other than that, Violet is doing great. I got to change her diaper twice the other day and then yesterday I got to HOLD HER IN MY ARMS. It was the most incredible, special moment of my life. My brother was there so he was able to take pictures for me. She was so tiny and sweet. She tried to keep her eyes open the entire time and she just stared at me. Violet knew her mommy was holding her. I think she enjoyed the moment as much as I did. It was so special and I will never, ever forget that moment.

My little buddy is doing well, too. He’s a little behind the princess, but according to the nurses he has “wimpy white boy syndrome”. Apparently, the babies that do the best in there are black females. White boys tend to progress the slowest.  So, I wish my little munchkin wasn’t playing that role, but he is.  He is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen I my life. Whenever I go over there and start to talk to him, he tries so hard to open his eyes and look at me. He grabs onto my finger and pulls so hard like he doesn’t want me to leave. It breaks my heart whenever I have to let go. I could stand there with him like that forever. He’s such a sweet boy. I think he’s a mama’s boy. Cam has the same pda issue as Violet. Round one of the meds shrank the hole, but didn’t close it. The nurses are all convinced that once that pda is closed, his breathing will improve and he’ll finally be able to come off the ventilator. I hope they’re right. He makes me so nervous. Say extra, special prayers for my buddy. He needs them.

As I sit here blogging, tears are pouring down my face and making all of the words blurry. It’s similar to how this past week and a half has been for us. Everything is blurry and it’s hard to focus on one thing. If you look too much into the future, it seems like this nightmare has no end. It’s hard to take everything day by day, but that’s what life has become. We’re doing our best to take joy from the little successes. Dennis said that when he went today, Violet was sucking on a pacifier! That little princess is amazing. Cam is our little fighter… he just needs a little push to get him going. I hope this pda thing will be his little push.

Our lives have changed so much. Everything is overwhelming and surreal. The one thing that has remained constant through it all is the love we have for each other and now the love we have for our sweet babies. Even though they aren’t with me constantly, they are in my heart and on my mind constantly. I never knew I could love anything so much… and lucky me, I have TWO of those little angels. Keep praying for them, please… keep sending us your positive vibes and words of encouragement. We have a long journey ahead of us, but I know it’ll be worth it when we reach our destination. I know everything will be perfect when we get to bring our babies to where they belong—home.

Twinkie Update

Words will never be able to express how happy I am to be pregnant. Every day, I get more and more excited about meeting my little sweeties. Part of me feels like I already know them. I know it’s crazy, but I feel so strongly that I know them and their personalities. Maybe it’s all in my head, but it’s a very strange (but awesome) feeling. I’m always referring to Baby A as “she” and Baby B as “he”. I honestly would be very, very surprised if we had any other combination in there. It wouldn’t be a disappointed surprise, though. Our little family will be perfect no matter what their genders are.

I never thought it would be THIS hard to wait to find out what the genders are. My ultrasound is in a few days and I know I’m going to have to try my best to resist asking what I have inside of me right now. The only thing that keeps me from doing so is the thought of the moment when they actually arrive. I’ve always pictured that moment as being the most amazing moment of my life. Not that it would be any less amazing if I knew the sexes, but I’ve just never pictured it that way before. There are so few true surprises in life and I want this to be one of them for me and for my husband. We’ve waited for that moment… or those moments for such a long time.

My stomach is getting bigger, my acid reflux is scalding, I’m out of breath when they decide to get cozy in my ribs, I’m ridiculously emotional, I can’t eat a vegetable or look at raw chicken without throwing up in my mouth, I’m exhausted, I have crazy sleep patterns and dreams, I can’t go to the bathroom no matter WHAT I do (any advice here would be appreciated), working is becoming increasingly difficult, I’m nervous and scared, and I LOVE it all. Sounds crazy, but all of these things are constant reminders that our wish came true. They’re moving now as I’m typing and I couldn’t be happier.

I know so many people that are going through fertility issues right now. Stay strong. Keep hoping and wishing and praying. Miracles happen.