A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

When I was young, there were four things I wanted to be when I grew up: a singer, a softball player, a teacher, and a mom.

While I was involved in concert choir, showchoir and musicals in high school, I soon realized that while I absolutely LOVED being on stage and singing, I didn’t have the same passion for music itself. Some of my best memories from high school include moments of belting out a high note on stage or getting chills while singing a ballad. The music part and the hard work that goes into it just didn’t appeal to me. Cross singer off the list.

I played softball in the summer and in school until I was about 21. We were all-stars in our summer league and in high school, but once college rolled around it was obvious this would NOT be something I would continue for much longer. Another dream fades…

While in college, I decided to place my focus on English Education. One of my teachers in high school, Mr. Flanders, finally opened up the world of reading and literature to me. I knew I wanted to read and discuss and learn with kids. This dream came true rather quickly and easily for me. I went to school for a few years, student taught, and was offered a job directly out of college. Funny that looking back I just described this as “quickly and easily”… that was definitely not what I was thinking back then. Is it time that changes a perspective or growth? Anyway, things didn’t go EXACTLY as I planned because I ended up becoming a middle school teacher as opposed to a high school teacher. At first, I was disappointed because things didn’t quite go according to plan. Now, I feel like I know why it all happened. I found a place where I’ve learned lessons great and small, made friends both with students and teachers, and have enough memories and moments in my mind to write an awesome, roller coaster of a book.

Not that being a mom is the ONLY dream I have, but it certainly is what I want the most. Infertility has been crippling in our lives. I’ve put so much on hold and avoided doing so many things because of it. Did I have to avoid all of it or put all of it on hold? Probably not. But, it happened. I do have to say that since I’ve never been “regular” I always had a feeling that I may have trouble conceiving. By trouble I mean I thought it would take a while for us to be successful. I really never imagined this. But, here we are. I’m clinging to my dream more than ever. Anyone who knows me knows how much I HATE not being able to do something. I get discouraged easily and feel like quitting when I don’t get something on my first couple of tries. Though, those of you who know me also know I have a tad bit of a competitive streak running through me (thanks, Dad).  People usually DON’T want to be my bean bag partner or play games with me simply because I get “too competitive” (wimps). I was scary when I played softball sometimes… scary. Time to get scary. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life and I’m not sure if I ever will. I’m going to keep fighting and eventually I will get what I want. If injections, hormones, blood work, ultrasounds, mood swings, and procedures are what it takes to make my dream come true then I will continue this journey. The destination has to be close. This will happen. I will win.

April has gone by sickeningly slow and I’m SO HAPPY we’re entering May. In a couple of weeks we’re going in for the frozen transfer. I CAN’T WAIT!!!

“A dream is a wish your heart makes…”

Jaxon

Last year, on April 24^th, our family was blessed with the sweetest, cutest, craziest little boy in the world. On this day, my sister gave birth to my nephew, Jaxon. I remember the day as if it was yesterday and I hope I always do…

April 24^th happened to be Easter morning and we were planning on going to my aunt’s house for the day. As soon as I heard my phone ring at 7 am, I knew it was time for the baby’s arrival. Amy didn’t find out the sex or tell us any of the names her and Kevin were considering so we were ready for a day full of surprises. Well, as ready as one can be, I guess. 

After my mom called to tell me they were on the way to the hospital, I got dressed and headed to my mom’s. Since her house is just minutes away from the hospital, I went there to wait for the call that it was official. Within minutes of arriving, Amy called to say that it was, in fact, official. This day would be my nephew’s birthday. I remember when my mom hung up the phone and told my dad, my brother, and me, we all started rushing around to get ready…I'm not even really sure what we were doing, but within seconds we all stopped and just looked at each other. With that, we were all crying and hugging in the middle of the kitchen. I guess it hit us all: we were going to have someone else come into our family today. The feeling was overwhelming.

My dad, brother, and husband stayed home while my mom and I went to the hospital. We had no idea how long things were going to take, but we knew the guys did not have to be there all day. It was surreal seeing my sister in the hospital room ready to have a baby. The whole time I was choking back tears. Tears of excitement, anxiety, fear, happiness. I didn’t want my sister to see how emotionally unstable I was at the time because my main concern was making her feel comfortable and confident.Inside, I wanted to throw up! I hated seeing her in pain and not being able to do anything to help her was awful. It wasn’t long before things got intense and my mom and I were asked to leave. It seems like we waited for days. In reality, we waited for hours… and only a couple of them. It was torture being in the hallways and watching nurses and doctors come in and out. We had no idea if things were going okay because no one even looked at us to tell us (which obviously made us more nervous!). Sensing things were getting close, we stood right outside of the room and waited in silence. Then, it happened. We heard a baby crying. My sister’s baby was here… just in the next room. Again, the emotions overwhelmed us and we cried and hugged in the hallway. 

A short while later, Kevin came out to tell us that the precious cries that we heard  were from a sweet baby boy. Jaxon James. Everything about his announcement felt right… felt perfect. Everything was exactly as it was meant to be.

Here we are, one year later and everything with him still feels perfect. He’s such an amazing kid. Inquisitive, smart, hilarious, active, a little crazy and absolutely adorable.  We are all so blessed to have him in our lives. 

I'm still astonished when people tell me to avoid babies or baby showers. Babies, especially my nephew, are the reason I can still do this. They remind me that there is a goal... there is a "reward" at the end. Giving myself shots and taking pills and wearing patches almost feels normal now. Jaxon reminds me that it isn't normal and that I'm working for something. Something amazing.  

Quick update!

Hi all! I know it’s been a while (I love that people were asking me to update!), but nothing much has been going on. We’re all set for our frozen transfer in a couple of weeks. It’s been a nice, little break from everything (except the meds, of course!). The other night I drank A LOT. I haven’t done that in forever. I guess I kinda felt like I’d better live it up now! And I did. It’s two days later and I’m still paying for it. But, anyway, I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that I haven’t abandoned the blog. We’ve been busy and I’ve also gone back and forth on certain topics that I may address. For now, just a quick check-in to say that everything is going well and we’re starting to get excited about our next transfer. I think the next couple of blogs will be about my nephew’s first birthday, what NOT to say to people going through ivf, and then, hopefully a night before transfer blog! Until then…