Crazy girl

Ready to start fresh! Round 2 of Clomid started the other day. Well, actually I took Clomid for 4 months over the summer before I went to the fertility clinic. So, technically this is my 6th round. Fingers crossed for this time around. My fertility doctor said that he only wants to do 2 months of IUI and then he's going to move to invitro. I don't really want to think about that until I have to... let's hope I don't have to.

Since we've been struggling to conceive, I've been reading tons of forums, blogs, question and answers, etc, etc. In the beginning, I'd read some of their stories and think that I would never get so crazed or so obsessed. Well, that's nearly impossible. My family, friends and husband have been great through everything. They listen and they offer the best advice they possibly can. Distracting me has also helped a ton.

The time right now is the easiest. From the time you know you're not pregnant (because AF has arrived!) until the time of the IUI or whatever procedure you're having is definitely the easiest. It's AFTER the procedure or AFTER you ovulate that the wait becomes torturous. When waiting to find out if you're pregnant or not, your mind and body play some cruel tricks on you. It's amazing how in tune you become with your body. Every ache, every twinge, every strange feeling becomes something so much more than it had ever been. Your heart flutters with excitement while your brain tries to bring you back to reality.  It's a constant struggle.

And then you start to approach the final days of the 2ww. This is when your brain and heart are so torn that you almost feel a little crazy. I never imagined that I would be one of those people that took a pregnancy test and then held it up to the light in a million different ways just to see some sort of possible faint line... or even a dot. I never imagined that I would throw away a negative test and then an hour later take it out of the garbage "just in case".  Never. But, I admit, I've become that person. Do I know while I'm reaching for that negative test that I'm not pregnant? Absolutely. So, why am I trying to torture myself. I couldn't tell you. But I can tell you that I'm not losing hope. Someday my test will be positive. Someday I will see a line whether it be faint or strong. Someday I won't be grasping for straws. Someday I will feel like my dream is coming true because someday (soon) I will be pregnant.

It's a Wonderful Life

It never ceases to amaze me how many emotions this movie can stir up within me. Not only does it capture the spirit of Christmas so beautifully, it also holds special, personal meaning to me. This movie reminds me so much of my Grammy. My beautiful, spirited,  amazing Grammy who had her spirit taken away from her a few years ago when she had a stroke. As a result of the stroke, she developed dementia. She loved this movie. As soon as I put the movie on, I feel a wave of emotions come over me and throughout the entire film I have tears in my eyes.

I probably wouldn't feel these emotions if my Grammy's favorite Christmas movie was A Christmas Story or Christmas Vacation (although those are some great Christmas movies!). It's a Wonderful Life definitely has a magic about it. The story itself is beautiful, but the character of George Bailey is one of my favorite fictional characters of all time. Jimmy Stewart said of the film, "...it seems to me there is nothing phenomenal about the movie itself. It's simply about an ordinary man who discovers that living each ordinary day honorably, with faith in God and selfless concern for others, can make for a truly wonderful life". 


It's difficult to remember to live this way in our daily lives. It's exceptionally difficult when we have to go through trying and stressful times. Perhaps, though, these are the times we should try to remember to live this way the most. Merry Christmas!

A little background would help.

For the past year and a half, my husband and I have been trying to conceive. Scary that I'm putting that out here like this, but it's something that I've been thinking about doing for a while. I've read so many stories about this subject so I figured I'd be one of them to put it out here for people to read. Why, I'm not really sure. Perhaps it'll serve as a form of therapy for me. I know the wonderful and supportive people around me have to be getting tired of hearing the same things over and over from me. This topic, however, has consumed my life. 

For the first 13 months of trying, my husband and I pretty much tried on our own with the exception of using Clomid to induce ovulation. Finally, after speaking with someone from work, we decided to it was time to see a fertility specialist. I don't know why I was so hesitant at first. I think maybe I didn't want to hear that there was something wrong with either of us... that it meant admitting we couldn't do something on our own. If there's one thing I can't stand it's feeling like a failure... feeling like I CAN'T do something.  We knew in our hearts, though, that this was the right decision and it was definitely time to be a little more proactive.

Upon leaving the first meeting with the fertility doctor, I knew that I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and that he had full confidence that I would be pregnant in no time. The first month consisted of a lot of blood work and ultrasounds. Everything looked great until he did the saline ultrasound and realized that I had polyps in my uterus. Not too big of a deal... nothing life threatening or even health threatening really, except it would be nearly impossible to get pregnant with them in there. So, we scheduled a hysteroscopy which actually turned out to be a full D&C.

After finally healing from the surgery, we were ready to do our first insemination! My husband and I were so excited and felt GREAT about everything. The 2ww (two week wait) was like torture. Negative test after negative tests until finally we were positive that I was NOT pregnant. The first insemination didn't work.

This was all within the past few months and the negative tests were within the past few days. I don't know exactly what I intend for this blog. It won't all be about our journey to having a baby. We'll see where this road takes me...