Crazy girl

Ready to start fresh! Round 2 of Clomid started the other day. Well, actually I took Clomid for 4 months over the summer before I went to the fertility clinic. So, technically this is my 6th round. Fingers crossed for this time around. My fertility doctor said that he only wants to do 2 months of IUI and then he's going to move to invitro. I don't really want to think about that until I have to... let's hope I don't have to.

Since we've been struggling to conceive, I've been reading tons of forums, blogs, question and answers, etc, etc. In the beginning, I'd read some of their stories and think that I would never get so crazed or so obsessed. Well, that's nearly impossible. My family, friends and husband have been great through everything. They listen and they offer the best advice they possibly can. Distracting me has also helped a ton.

The time right now is the easiest. From the time you know you're not pregnant (because AF has arrived!) until the time of the IUI or whatever procedure you're having is definitely the easiest. It's AFTER the procedure or AFTER you ovulate that the wait becomes torturous. When waiting to find out if you're pregnant or not, your mind and body play some cruel tricks on you. It's amazing how in tune you become with your body. Every ache, every twinge, every strange feeling becomes something so much more than it had ever been. Your heart flutters with excitement while your brain tries to bring you back to reality.  It's a constant struggle.

And then you start to approach the final days of the 2ww. This is when your brain and heart are so torn that you almost feel a little crazy. I never imagined that I would be one of those people that took a pregnancy test and then held it up to the light in a million different ways just to see some sort of possible faint line... or even a dot. I never imagined that I would throw away a negative test and then an hour later take it out of the garbage "just in case".  Never. But, I admit, I've become that person. Do I know while I'm reaching for that negative test that I'm not pregnant? Absolutely. So, why am I trying to torture myself. I couldn't tell you. But I can tell you that I'm not losing hope. Someday my test will be positive. Someday I will see a line whether it be faint or strong. Someday I won't be grasping for straws. Someday I will feel like my dream is coming true because someday (soon) I will be pregnant.