Moving on...

We’re back in the game.

I went to the doctor today. He, first and foremost, expressed how sorry he was that our ivf cycle didn’t work and that he still had complete confidence that eventually, it will work. He’s a realist and said that he wouldn’t give me hope if he didn’t think we had any. He believes we have more than enough hope to make this baby!

While he couldn’t give me a reason why the embryo didn’t implant, he did explain that he believes my eggs were a little “overcooked” this time around and that if we had to do invitro again he would adjust my meds so that I can produce even more eggs next time. I’m just hoping we never have to do ivf again.

He wants to go right into using the frozen embryos. That’s right. I said embryos… with an S. He’s decided that he is definitely going to put both in. YIKES. Exciting. yet scary.  He also said that this time he is going to make sure that HE is the one doing the transfer. As soon as he said that I felt a huge relief.

We’re not going to do the transfer until mid-May. I feel good about this since I think I need a little bit of a mental and physical break from everything. Plus, the fact that the frozen transfer is SO MUCH easier than the whole ivf process is making me really happy.

So, good news all around!

Bring on the Rain

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done was try to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for what could’ve been one of the best days of my life or one of the worst.  As you already know, it turned out to be one of the worst.  Even on one of the worst days of my life, however, I had countless hugs, texts, emails, calls and words of support and inspiration. Despite the fact that I’m going through the most difficult thing I’ve personally ever been through, I’m a lucky girl.

Yesterday morning, I went in for my beta. I had taken a home pregnancy test the day before and it was negative. I immediately started googling if it was possible to get a positive beta when you had a negative pregnancy test at  9 days past embryo transfers. As my sister said, I focused on all of the posts and threads that came out to be negative, but there were also a great deal of posts that said it was very possible. I still had hope.

When I sat down to get my blood drawn the nurse asked if I had taken a test and I told her that I had the day before and it was negative. With a disappointed look on her face, she said, “Oh, poop.” And that was it. I had woken up feeling pretty good, but as soon as she said that, my heart sank. I sat there trying to find the words to ask if that meant that she thought I didn’t have a chance or if there was a percentage she could give me or something, but I had nothing.

I went to work feeling pretty awful, but my nerves and anxiety were overpowering. I felt like I was going to be sick the entire day. For over a week, I had two scenarios playing out in my head. Scenario one: I would call my sister, brother, and parents and have them get together with us to celebrate. Scenario two: I would have to call them and tell them it didn’t work and then go home and drink a bottle of wine. Neither actually happened.

I got my call at about 1:45. The tone of the nurse’s voice let me know right away that it wasn’t good news. “Elisabeth, it was negative. You can go ahead and stop all medications.” I thought I’d be able to at least get through the phone call without bawling like a baby, but no such luck. Even though, I think I knew deep down, it still felt like someone knocked the wind out of me and broke my heart at the same time.

You know how you replay bad phone calls in your head over and over? That’s what I keep doing. Or how you sometimes “forget” what happened for a few minutes and then it comes back flooding over you? Or how you wake up in the middle of the night and suddenly flashback to the day before? Yuck.

Calling my husband and my mom to tell them it didn’t work was incredibly hard. Knowing how much everyone is pulling for us makes it so much harder. Our situation isn't only breaking our hearts... there are lots of people in this with us, but especially my mom and sister.

I cried a lot yesterday. A lot. The only good thing that I can say right now is that I at least have a feeling of relief. I don’t have to be anxious for an answer right now… I know the answer.

Like my husband said, “It wouldn’t be ‘us’ if it worked the first time. Nothing comes easy.” We might be down right now, but we’re not defeated. A single battle lost, but not the war.

I’m off of work today (my principal and coworkers are AWESOME) and it’s raining. I like it.

Negative

Beta was today. The test was negative. I’m not sure what to say, yet. It’s been a stressful and painful day. Right now I just don’t have the energy to put everything into words, but I did want to give a little update for those of you that follow and comment or send me messages. Longer post to follow when I have the words and strength!

Mind over matter

I’m so nervous! My heart feels like it wants to explode… as does my head! I’ve been feeling so positive about everything… until yesterday. All of a sudden, it was like a switch flipped. We were at a baptism (my adorable goddaughter!) and out of nowhere I had some cramping. My thoughts immediately went to my period.

After we got home, my mood completely changed from what it was throughout the day. I felt like I wanted to beat the shit out of someone. My husband asked if I was okay and I broke down. I cried and cried for a good half hour. It was the strangest thing. Everything just hit me so hard. It hit me that this upcoming test could be negative. Like I said, I felt nothing but positive about everything until that moment. During my breakdown my aunt texted me and said, “Is everything still okay? You’ve been popping into my head all day”. Coincidence?

I woke up today feeling a little better, but I still have this lurking feeling that stupid Aunt Flow wants to make her monthly appearance soon. It could be my head trying to reason with my heart. I’ve gone through this waiting period for almost 20 months now. Maybe my brain is just trying to prepare me.

I still believe, though. We’re still hoping and praying that our wish will come true. The other night, my fortune cookie said, “Your dearest wish will come true”. It’s on the refrigerator waiting to prove itself to be true. So are we.

What a Day!

Per doctor’s orders, I am resting at home today. I feel great, though. And excited and anxious and hopeful! Yesterday was the embryo transfer and it went beautifully.

Considering that we had to drive into the city and traffic was heavy we left quite early and arrived quite early. That was fine with me, though. We decided to take a little walk along the river just to kill time and relax a little before it was time for the procedure. I had to have a full bladder for the procedure so this is when I started to drink my water, as well.

When it was time to go in, we waited in the waiting room for only about 5 minutes before we were called to the back.  The nurse led us to a room that was exactly like the one that I recovered in for the egg retrieval. She explained to us what would be happening and said that the embryologist would be in to talk to us, as well as the doctor and the ultrasound technician.

First up: embryologist. She came in and said she currently didn’t have any to freeze. We were a little surprised by this since the other day, 6 of the 7 were doing wonderfully. She said that it was possible for the other ones to become freezable, but they weren’t ready as of yet. Then she said “Okay so I have one perfect embryo at a AA and one that is at a BB.” Embryo grading is exactly like the grades we receive in school: A (or AA) is the best with F being the “worst”.  Then she said something along the lines of “So, we’ll go ahead and put these two in…”. I assumed the doctor must have ordered the two to go in, but just to clarify I asked, “Oh, so we’re definitely putting in two?” Good thing I asked, because it turns out she had just assumed we wanted to go with two embryos. Then came the hard part…

When the embryologist realized we weren’t quite prepared to make this decision, she left the room so we could talk. I’m the intuitive/feeling thinker while my husband is much more the logical/reasoning thinker. It was a difficult decision. I was very emotional and that guilt feeling kept creeping in.  Initially, I felt as though I had to put in the two embryos. But, then we talked it through. Ultimately, it came down to these factors:  since the embryologist only had one to freeze at the time, if this doesn’t work, we’d have to start from square one, again, if she put in both embryos… meds, egg retrieval, etc. Also, we thought about how we had one absolutely perfect, 100% ready-to-go embryo and one ALMOST ready-to-go embryo. We felt as though this embryo was telling us we should pick him or her! Another major factor was that our chances do not increase by putting two embryos in, but our chance for multiples certainly increases! After about a half hour of weighing out all of our options and possible outcomes, we decided to go with one embryo. The ultra sound technician (who was absolutely WONDERFUL) and the embryologist made us feel very confident about our decision.

We met the doctor and then prepared for the transfer. In the room with us was the nurse, doctor, embryologist, ultra sound tech and our little embryo! Before we got to see the little embryo on the flat screen tv above my bed, the embryologist said “One embryo for Elisabeth Sheppard and boy is it beautiful.” My heart was so full and anxious and then, there it was on the screen. Our little mass of cells squirming around and ready for the “homecoming”, as the ultrasound tech kept calling it. Soon it was gone from the screen and being transferred into my uterus. On the ultrasound monitor, we could see a little flash of light and that was it. That was our embryo coming home. We even have an ultrasound picture to remember that moment for the rest of our lives…. Not that we’d ever forget.

We left happy and positive. What an incredible day. I hope our little embryo makes itself at home and is perfectly comfortable where it is for the next nine months. We’ll find out soon.

I couldn’t have made it this far on our journey without the love and support of my husband, family, and friends. They’ve been absolutely amazing and I could never, ever thank them enough for making this process a little easier.

Embryos

Recovery from the egg retrieval wasn’t exactly what I’d anticipated. Yesterday, I had to leave work early because I couldn’t sit or stand any longer. I NEEDED to get home to get into bed. I called my nurse to make sure I wasn’t experiencing OHSS (which I’m convinced I had a mild case of), but she said it didn’t sound like that. I thought it was strange that she said that since I was experiencing more than one of the symptoms. She did say that if it got worse that I should call. I spent the night at home and was in bed by 9pm (exciting Friday night for the Sheppards!). I do, however, feel much better today. I’m still having some pain… especially when I’m sitting or walking, but it’s much, much better.

Onto the good news! The IVF center called me yesterday to tell me that of the 7 eggs that fertilized, 6 of them were already hatching on their own and the 7^th wasn’t far behind! This is great news because they won’t have to do “assisted hatching”. Our little embryos are strong and doing just fine on their own. They’re doing so well that we’re going to do a Day 5 transfer. My doctor told me that Day 5 transfers are the best because it means the embryos are strong and it’s a more natural time in my body to accept the embryos. Dennis and I are both very excited for all of our good news and can’t wait for Monday (transfer day)!

When we signed all of our paperwork, we signed off on the fact that we didn’t want any more than 2 embryos implanted. We’re hoping that come Monday , our embryos will still be strong enough that we’ll only have to put one in. While the idea of multiples is nice, it's also absolutely terrifying. 

I’m having a strange guilty feeling about the embryos that do not get selected to be our potential baby. I feel like I want to take care of all of them. None of them will be discarded, no matter what. But, I still feel weird about it all. Someone else is choosing the embryo that may become our child. What if they pick #4? Why that one instead of the others? Fate, I suppose. Fate, I believe.  I like the way Dennis put it when I told him about my guilty feeling. He said that some of them may be our future babies and the rest of them may help save lives or create lives. All of our little embryos have a special place in this world. We are so proud of them already…

Eggies!

Yesterday was the egg retrieval! When we got to the clinic, we were both taken back into my recovery room. The nurse (who was the same nurse for my hysteroscopy) explained what would be happening and then I got ready for the procedure. Once the anesthesiologist gave me the local, I told my husband to go wait for me in the waiting room since it's much more comfortable and spacious than the small room we were in. I wish I had known that I would be waiting there for a good 45 minutes before the procedure. It gave me waaaay too much time to think about this whole process. I really started to think about how crazy it is that these lab techs and doctors are going to choose which embryo will be implanted. The way I look at it is that no matter which one they choose, THAT is the one that is destined to be our baby.

After the 45 minute wait, I was taken to the procedure room and within minutes I was out. I don't even remember going back to the room! I woke up feeling awful. For one, I was a raging bitch. I wanted to rip someone's head off, but I had no idea why. Thinking about it more, I wondered if maybe the egg retrieval had something to do with it. Maybe the hormones? I don't know, but either way, I wasn't pleasant. I didn't say much, anyway, because I was hurting.

So, we went home about 45 minutes or so after the procedure. I was pretty sore throughout the day and still am today, but the doctor has reassured us that everything went well. My sister brought over a delicious pasta dish she made for us so we didn't have to worry about dinner last night. It was incredibly thoughtful and very much appreciated. She made so much that we're going to have it again, tonight!

While I was at work today, the fertility center called and didn't leave a message. I was anxious because today they would tell us how many of our eggs were fertilized. I had my husband call and he spoke with the nurse. She said that of the 14 eggs retrieved, 8 were mature and 7 out of the 8 were fertilized! Apparently, that's a really great number!

It's a strange feeling knowing that 7 little embryos are trying to survive somewhere that is not in their mother's womb. I can't wait until this weekend, when one special embryo is selected to be put back inside of me. We're so excited. This is it. I just know it!!!

Ready, Set....

I just got the confirmation call! On Wednesday morning, we’re going in for the egg retrieval! Finally! I feel like it’s been an eternity since we’ve been able to try. I know that it hasn’t been long at all, but when you’re waiting for something like this it seems like a long time. Good thing because my injections were getting pretty brutal. Last night, after my third injection, I started to feel really bad. Cramping and nausea took over and I ended up going to sleep at 8:45 because I just didn’t want to be awake for it anymore. Tonight will be the last night of injections (yay!!!). Here’s to hoping we NEVER have to do all of this again.

The ultra sound tech and my nurse both said they think I’ll do really well since I have so many “fantastic” follicles. I have about 11 on one side and 14 on the other! I’m expected to do really well.

We’ve decided to freeze our good embryos that we don’t use. A really great part of that is that if we needed them next month or two years from now, we can use them instead of going through ALL of this, again. Science is pretty amazing and I thank God that we’ve come so far and have so many intelligent and hardworking people that have dedicated their lives to helping couples through infertility.  If we don’t use our embryos or decide we don’t need or want them, they will be donated to science.  Science is helping us create a life and hopefully we will help science do something incredible, as well.  

One of the embryos is destined to be our sweet baby. We can’t wait.