2012

Today is the last day of 2012. The day couldn’t have come fast enough for me. During lunch, just now, I asked Dennis how it was possible to have the worst year of your life when the absolute best thing of your life happened during that year? Doesn’t make sense, does it? That’s how it feels, though. I feel, without a doubt that this has been the most physically, mentally, and emotionally draining and painful year for me. And yet, the most amazing thing happened to me during this time and has made my life complete.

Between failed iuis and ivf cycles, painful progesterone, a major scare at 17 weeks pregnant, a surreal and nightmarish stay in the hospital, the birth of our 26 week old twins, and to now-- day 70 in the NICU, I’m not quite sure how we’ve survived through it all. But, we have. I’ve learned so much throughout this year and I’m not sure I can put it all into words. I’ve learned a great deal about myself, my husband, my family, my friends, my babies, strength, courage, love, compassion, pain, heartache, patience, fear, life, death, religion, oxygen, nurses, hospitals, human nature, selfishness, selflessness, odds, chances, routines, determination, the will to live, obstacles and miracles.

2012 will never be one of those “forgotten years” where you can’t really remember exactly what you did or who you were that year. Take for instance the year 2004. I remember bits and pieces from that year, but nothing major stands out. 2012 was the year that changed everything for me. I will never forget it. Part of me wants to forget it… block it out and never recall all of the pain and heartache. But if I forgot 2012, I wouldn’t remember what it was like to see Violet and Cameron when they were EMBRYOS. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to walk back into the bathroom after taking what I thought was a negative pregnancy test and seeing the faintest , little, pink line. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to tell my parents that they were going to have another grandchild… and then telling them that they were going to have TWO. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to see TWO little jumping beans on the ultrasound screen. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to feel my babies moving inside of me… I would do it all again just to feel that one more time. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like when the ultrasound technician confirmed what I already knew—I was carrying my son and my daughter. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to look at my babies for the first time… even though I was terrified, they were the most beautiful things in the world and I wanted nothing more than to take care of them forever. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to touch them for the first time or what it was like to feel their skin against mine when I first got to kangaroo with each of them. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to feel their tiny little hearts beating against my chest. I wouldn’t remember the first time I heard them make a noise and the first time I heard Cameron cry. I wouldn’t remember the first time Violet latched onto my finger. I wouldn’t remember the first time I knew that they were looking right at me. I wouldn’t remember how happy I was when my son came off of the ventilator. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like when Violet took a bottle. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to have them both close to us and each other. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to look at them both at the same time and think about how absolutely beautiful they were. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to know my babies were going to be okay… and that we were all going to make it together. I’d do it all again… just for a second of any of those things. THOSE are the things that have made my life complete. THOSE are the things that will NEVER let me forget this year and what it has given me.

I’m happy to see it leave. I’m welcoming 2013 with open arms. This new year is a fresh start for our family. While we are still dealing with being in the NICU, we know we’re close to our destination. We know it won’t be long now until we have our sweet babies at home where they belong.

Dennis and I know that when we bring the twins home our lives are going to be thrown into disarray, yet again. We’re ready, though. We’re ready for the 3 am feedings, the crying, the hundreds of diapers, the laundry, not leaving the house and the major lack of sleep. We’re looking forward to it. All of that stuff, as non-fun and exciting as they sound, are things we’ve been longing for.  Knowing that each of those things will be met with baby smells, and bath times, and smiles and kisses and cuddles (times two!) only makes us look forward to everything a little more.

On this last day of 2012, I am beyond thankful.  I’m thankful we’ve all made it to see this new year… this new year of hope and laughter and happiness. Tonight at midnight we will be at the hospital ringing in the new year with our future--our babies. We'll be celebrating this new year that brings my babies home to me.  Today, we learned that our sweet princess, Violet, will be coming home on Thursday. We are so happy and excited to bring her home and close this chapter of her life.  Soon, Cameron will follow. Perfection will not be reached until he is home, as well, but we’re getting close… so close I can almost feel it. Get here, 2013… the Sheppards are more than ready. We can handle anything, trust me.

Keep Keepin' On

It's a few days after Cameron's ligation and we're still waiting for this turnaround we've heard so much about. The past couple of days we noticed that he was twitching quite a bit and the nurses seem to think it's because he's in pain. I can barely stand when I see him like that or when I think about my baby in pain. I feel like I'm going to be sick each and every time. He's on a lower dose of morphine right now because they think the higher dose was making him a little lazy. Since he was being a little lazy, he was not generating his own breaths. This is what we need him to do to come off of the ventilator. While I was there today, the nurse kept telling me he was having a good day. While I still saw a lot of twitching (we were reassured that it's definitely not seizures), he seemed to be okay and his alarms weren't going off at all. She also had him on a lower percentage of oxygen which was making him work more. I know my little sweetie can do it, he just needs some time. My sister and husband have been telling me that he's just going to be more like me when it comes to pain and healing. It's always taken me a long time to heal or recover from something. Perfect example: the c-section. My infection is still here, but it's getting better. I wish it would just leave already so I can feel more normal... physically, at least.

Even though Cameron hasn't been doing too great, he has gained weight. He is up to 3 lbs now! Our little flower is up to 2 lbs 7 oz! She's doing very well. Violet had a little bit of an off day today, but the doctor believes it's because she needed a blood transfusion. So, as I type, my little sweetheart is getting a blood transfusion. She's up to 20 mls on her feeds and they started her on vitamins today. After her feeding, she threw up. I have a feeling that everything was just a little much for her today (meaning the 20 mls and the vitamins). I forgot to mention that Cameron is also back on feedings (2.5. mls).

I'm so tired of people looking at me. It sounds weird, but I feel so uncomfortable because I know people are studying how I look and how I'm acting. I know most people are just concerned and trying to help, but I've never had so many people study me and comment on my appearance in my life. It's a strange feeling and it's starting to get to me. Even if it's a compliment, it still feels awkward.

So many people have been so wonderful and caring throughout all of this. You certainly realize how many people truly care for you when you go through something like this. You also realize there are some people that just don't get it or are even more self-absorbed than you thought. Those aren't the people that matter, though. The people we've been focusing on are the TONS that are praying for us, supporting us, and helping us get through this nightmare. We are lucky to have so many awesome people in our lives... and even some that aren't really in our lives at all! I received adorable and thoughtful gifts from one of my best friend's future mother-in-law yesterday. I had never even met her, but she told me how happy she was for us. And she's certainly not the only one who has been so generous and thoughtful. Between all of the gifts, messages, visits, phone calls and help, we're somehow surviving.

Thank you to all of you. Someday Violet and Cameron will know how much love and support they received while our family was going through this difficult time. I will make sure that they realize how amazing it all has been. Keep praying for the loves of my life.

January Never Seemed So Far Away

My heart hurts tonight. I’ve never felt pain like the kind I’ve been experiencing. I know the babies are getting the care they need, but it just doesn’t make it any easier to not have them with me. Leaving them makes me so sick every single time. I just don’t know how I’m going to do this until January. That month seems like it’s an eternity away from now. Everyone keeps telling me to look at it day by day and I know that’s what I need to do, but I can’t help but think about the 3 months that I won’t have my babies here with me. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how I can figure out how to do this. I have so many “moments” throughout the day where I just cry and cry. My guilt has not subsided. I know it doesn’t make sense to blame myself, but I have to blame someone for all of this. Who else would I blame?

My milk isn’t coming in. I’m only getting a few drops (if I’m lucky) when I pump. The lactation nurse thinks that it’s because I had PCOS. Yet another thing that I can’t do to help my babies… I was counting on this being the one thing I could do to help them get big and strong and now I can’t do this, either. I started taking Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle because the nurse recommended both of the herbal supplements. Everything says that you should be able to tell if it’s working within the first 24 hours. I’m not very optimistic right now considering I’m still getting the same amount of milk. My next move would be to talk to my doctor and see if there is something he can prescribe to help out. The stupid infection is still here... and making things very difficult for me. One might think that going to the hospital and hanging out with the babies isn't that big of a deal and could be relaxing. I've yet to have a relaxing day with them. Between dividing my time between them, pumping, visitors, bathroom visits, gauze changes, etc. it's busy, busy, busy.

The results of Cam’s test still haven’t been read, but the nurse and neonatologist said that they both believe he will need the surgery. If this is the case (which I’m sure it is), it should happen early next week. At this point, now that we know it’s probably happening, I just want it to happen already so he can start to progress. He’s such a little sweetie and he breaks my heart every day. I have a feeling he’s a mama’s boy and he’s going to need me a lot more than our little flower. Our little flower, who is doing extremely well! She’s doing everything she’s supposed to and she’s even sucking on a little pacifier! It’s so cute. Her breathing is good, but I hope she can get off that machine soon so I can always see her little face. The mask and the headband that holds it in place, makes it so hard to see her face. She’s also feeding now—up to 2.5 mls every 2 hours. What a good girl! I’ve gotten to hold her a couple of times and we’ve done kangaroo care with her a couple of time, as well. I’ve also gotten to do kangaroo care with Cameron! Our wonderful nurse for Cameron thought Cam and I both needed it. She couldn’t have been more right. It was perfect. I love my sweet babies so much.

Thank you to all of you for all of your love and support. We don’t know what we’d do without you. Please continue to pray for our family.

First Day of School... For Real This Time

I'm so exhausted! Today was my first day with the kiddies and I'm definitely feeling it! I was fine throughout the day and even on my way home, but once I got home I was done. I guess my body isn't used to not being able to sit and put my feet up whenever I want. Just gotta get back in the swing of things, I guess.

All in all, it was a pretty good day. The kids were well-behaved and cute. When I told my first period class that I was pregnant they all clapped for me. Precious little things. It was hilarious because I just kept thinking "if they only knew!".  I felt so much better being at school than I did last year. It was so challenging for me to be there mentally when I was constantly somewhere else.

After school, I had to go get some lab work done for my new doctor. As I was leaving, I said to the babies, "you guys have no idea how much blood and urine have been taken from my body and no idea how many needles have been in me and how many appointments I've been to". Then I started to cry because I remembered that it's been just about a year now since I made the phone call to the fertility clinic. I rubbed my belly and told the babies they were worth all of it. We're very lucky to be where we are one year later... two happy people anxiously awaiting the arrival of two little sweeties!

I promised there was a surprise...

As the days until my first ultrasound slowly went by, my denial slowly overwhelmed me. By the time June 1^st had finally rolled around I had prepared myself for the worst. I kept replaying the scenario in my head: the ultrasound tech would be silent, get the doctor and he would say something like, “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing in there”. I was mentally ready for the bad news.

When I told people about my feelings they thought I was crazy or asked, “Why on earth would you think like that???” I wish I knew the answer. My best guess is that I was doing what I did every month which was prepare for the worst so I can deal with it sooner and then move on. Throughout the week and a half before the ultrasound I was feeling nauseous and lightheaded quite often. I also took a couple of naps which I NEVER do. A couple of tell-tale signs that I was definitely pregnant, but I ignored them… I told myself that maybe I was just imagining it. Infertility not only has a major impact on a person physically, but also mentally.

On the way to the doctor, Dennis tried talking to me, but I told him I just couldn’t. He understood, told me everything would be okay and just held my hand. He’s going to make a great dad.

So… here we are… finally… at MY FIRST ULTRASOUND for a PREGNANCY!!! I was shaking on the inside and outside. We barely waited five minutes before we were called back. It wasn’t my regular ultrasound tech, but the woman had done one or two for me before throughout ivf. She was very nice and got started as soon as I changed and sat up on the table.

My heart was pounding out of my chest, but I was so ready for this moment. As she moved the wand(?) around inside of me, she stared at the screen expressionless for what seemed like hours. I’m sure it was about 5 seconds in reality. Before I knew it, she turned the screen toward me and was smiling. I will NEVER forget that moment and what I saw. Not ONE, but TWO dark circles. I immediately asked, “Does that mean two?” She smiled and said yes. Dennis flew up out of his chair to me and I started crying tears of relief and joy. 

Dennis held my arm and we both couldn’t stop smiling. She measured both of our sweet babies and typed in: SHEPPARD TWINS onto the screen. My heart melted. She showed us Baby A first. Baby A’s little heartbeat was 99 precious beats per minute and Baby B’s was 101. We were even able to see their little hearts beating. Absolutely incredible. I went from having one beating heart inside of me to three. 

We spoke with the doctor shortly after the ultrasound and he explained that sometimes one baby disappears before the next ultrasound and that we should think about refraining from telling people. Yeah right. I called my mom as soon as we got into the car. Soon thereafter we text and called all of the people we care about the most. We just found out we’re having twins… there’s NO WAY we could keep that a secret.

So, here we are. We’ve known for 3 days that we’re having twins. So far it’s been a roller coaster of emotions. I go from wanting to freak out and cry tears of anxiety and fear to being so ridiculously happy my eyes fill with tears of joy and peace. We’re so very happy. We don’t exactly know what we’re in for here, but we’re ready. We can do anything together. We made it through infertility and came out with twins. These babies can’t be any worse than progesterone shots every night :-)

I know so many of my friends and family read this. I cannot thank you guys enough for being there to support, encourage, and love us. These babies are already so loved. Thank you from the bottom of my heart… and the heart of Baby A… and the heart of Baby B.

Waiting

We’re on day 4 of waiting. I have to admit that I have a bit of a negative feeling. Chances are that I’m just not allowing myself to get my hopes up too much. I guess I could just be trying to protect myself. Not that I honestly believe that it will make bad news any easier, but it’s worth a shot.

Speaking of shots… I’M SO SICK OF THEM!!! I’m so sore that it’s hard to sleep. Both sides of my butt feel like they have big tumors in them. On Saturday, right before my husband had to give me a shot, I freaked out. A hysterical freak out. An ugly cry. I called my mom in the middle of it (sorry about that) because I didn’t know what else to do. I recently saw something on Pinterest that said something like “No matter how old I get, when I feel bad I just want my mom”. So true. I calmed down a little after that, but it took me a while to start being rational again. These meds are getting too hard to handle. Progesterone and estrogen overload.

My strength may be weakening a bit, but my heart is still in it. Hopefully, next year at this time I will be celebrating Mother’s Day as a mom. God, I hope so. Not that my day was bad yesterday. My two beautiful god children (Jax and Molly) bought me flowers and I spent the day with a few wonderful women. I know I’m meant to be a mom. I just don’t know why it’s been so difficult to get there. I’ll be testing soon…. SO ANXIOUS!!!!

Moving on...

We’re back in the game.

I went to the doctor today. He, first and foremost, expressed how sorry he was that our ivf cycle didn’t work and that he still had complete confidence that eventually, it will work. He’s a realist and said that he wouldn’t give me hope if he didn’t think we had any. He believes we have more than enough hope to make this baby!

While he couldn’t give me a reason why the embryo didn’t implant, he did explain that he believes my eggs were a little “overcooked” this time around and that if we had to do invitro again he would adjust my meds so that I can produce even more eggs next time. I’m just hoping we never have to do ivf again.

He wants to go right into using the frozen embryos. That’s right. I said embryos… with an S. He’s decided that he is definitely going to put both in. YIKES. Exciting. yet scary.  He also said that this time he is going to make sure that HE is the one doing the transfer. As soon as he said that I felt a huge relief.

We’re not going to do the transfer until mid-May. I feel good about this since I think I need a little bit of a mental and physical break from everything. Plus, the fact that the frozen transfer is SO MUCH easier than the whole ivf process is making me really happy.

So, good news all around!