All You Need is Love

I’m not sure why things happen as they do. I used to firmly believe that things happened for some type of reason whether that reason be good, bad, important, insignificant, etc. I believed that there was some rhyme or reason to all things. I’ve changed my mind. I’m not sure whether my family and I were just lucky for the first 24 years of my life or what, but we’ve adapted to a new “normal”.

We used to be able to tell each other that everything would be okay. It’s hard to say that now. Not because we don’t want things to be okay, but simply because we’re unsure. We never expected our beautiful, sweet and young Grammy to be stricken with a form of dementia that has taken her from us. We never expected cancer to hit our family so hard. We never expected to have depression and anxiety take over our loved ones’ lives. We never expected loved ones to lose jobs and have to worry about money. God knows we didn’t expect the twins to come 3 months early and be in intensive care.

So, one might say you have to expect the unexpected or to be thankful for the things you DO have. Those are simply words. Words that don’t mean anything when you’re in the thick of it. Or so it seems. Sure, people try to encourage, sympathize or comfort or offer help, but nothing actually helps. They know this and we know this. You know when you’re on the opposite end of things and things are shitty for someone else. You know that your words don’t “help”.

Yet, those words… that comfort… the offers… they are important. People going through tough times need those words even though they don’t really “help”. I’m not sure what they do. They do something. Maybe they remind us that life doesn’t stop for our problems whether they are big or small. Maybe the words are there so our brains try to FEEL better or convince us that we can get through something. Maybe we need those words because we need to remember that in spite of all the crap we go through, there’s love around us.

I know it sounds a little corny (I hate that word), but I think there’s some truth to it. The only thing that wakes us up in the morning sometimes is the love we have for others. If I didn’t love the babies so much, I wouldn’t be able to do this. If my Papa didn’t love my Grammy so much, he wouldn’t be able to drag himself out of bed. If my family didn’t love and support each other, some of us might have given up. But, there’s something that drives us to do what we need to do. It’s not the feeling that we HAVE to do it. It’s not the feeling of WANTING to do it necessarily. It’s more than that.

I’m not sure what I’m rambling about, but I felt the need to ramble. I think that too often we take for granted the love we have for others and the love they have for us. I guess it’s important to always remember that no matter how shitty things are, that love exists. It may be the only thing that allows us to fight through the tough times. I know my family feels like we’re all running on empty right now… I couldn’t agree more. I also know we can all keep going, though… Because we love each other. All you need is love, right?

Tired

The babies will be 7 weeks old in a couple of days. I can’t believe we’re surviving this! I'm tired.The past 7 weeks have been the most trying and exhausting days of my life. On facebook, I read people’s statuses and look at their pictures and get jealous that they are living a “normal” life. I know things will never be the same, but at least we will have our new normal when the babies come home.  It’s hard not to feel alone in this journey even though we have people all around us. It’s a very unique situation that not many people can relate to. I never thought I’d be experiencing it. I know it’s made me a stronger and more patient person, but I still don’t understand why it had to happen to us… to our babies.

The babies are doing well. The morning I last blogged, I hadn’t gotten my morning update from Dennis, yet. A little while after I posted, he called me and told me that both of the babies had had a rough night. Violet was back on the cannula and Cameron was having heart rate drops. Hearing these things was difficult and made me anxious to be with them for the day. When I got to the hospital I felt more alone than I had in weeks. Luckily, I have an awesome mom who came up to spend the rough day with me. The babies dsatted a lot and Cameron had a heart rate drop or two. Their monitors were going off all day! It was awful. Those monitors are enough to make you crazy, that's for sure! That seemed to be the worst of it, though. The babies are doing well today.

Yesterday marked the day that I would’ve been exactly 33 weeks pregnant. I don’t think I’ll ever get over how early these babies came. However, considering everything, we really are very lucky. We hit a HUGE milestone today when Violet had her first BOTTLE!!! Bottle feeding starts when the babies are doing well with their breathing and are showing signs that they can handle the bottle.  She took 10 mls out of her 36 ml feeding. She did so well and we were so proud of her. I couldn’t stop crying through the whole thing. Bottle feeding is a huge step closer to coming home. For now, she’s only going to be trying one bottle a day and we’ll slowly work our way up depending on how she tolerates them. At this rate, there’s a very good chance she’ll be coming home before Cameron. Our sweet boy is still on anywhere between 32 and 38 percent oxygen with 2 liter flow of oxygen. They’ve tried to wean him down a couple of times, but he doesn’t seem to like it very much. Hopefully, within the next few days he’s able to tolerate the weaning. We’d really like to see that oxygen lowered. He is not ready to bottle feed with his breathing issues. He is, however, getting a lot bigger. Cameron is now about 4 lbs 7oz and Violet is 3 lbs 14 oz. They’re really doing a nice job with their weight gains.

I’m not sure how we’ll handle Violet coming home before Cameron… especially if it’s before the holidays. The whole thing breaks my heart. While I want her home more than anything in the world, I feel sick thinking about taking her home and leaving him there. First, I’m not sure how I would take care of her and go spend time with him and second I HATE the idea of him being in the hospital by himself and not here with us. Our family won’t be complete until we are all here. I just can’t wait much longer!!!

A Few Gripes

Today is day 41 in the hospital and day 37 in the NICU.  While I wouldn’t say it gets “better” or “easier”, it does start to become more normal. We’ve adapted to the huge change in our lives. I’ve become more accepting of the fact that my babies are in intensive care. It’s never better or easier, though. My heart still aches every minute of every day. Even when I’m there my heart is aching and my eyes are filling up with tears because I’m constantly longing to take them home, stare at them, and hold them as close to me as possible.

We’ve loved so many of the nurses we’ve had in the NICU… some more than others. I’ve never felt completely uncomfortable until today, though. The nurse today was a very nice elderly woman. By elderly I mean over 70. I’m not discriminating against her age, but it seemed to me she was a few steps behind on everything. There were a few times the babies’ alarms were going off and there was a long time before a response. Cameron and Violet both had remnants of their last feedings on their faces. She didn’t know how to take Violet out of her incubator. The babies normally get assessed right before they eat (every 3 hours) so that the time in between they are just sleeping. This nurse was constantly bothering them with in between assessments and blood pressure readings. Violet was cold in her incubator (the alarm told us so) and she didn’t do anything. In fact, she left the doors open! Cameron spit up… she left it. She spilled meds all over Cameron’s blanket and then never replaced them. I could go on with a few more things, but I’m going to stop here. I think I mainly needed to type all of these gripes down to get it all out. I felt like I was going to lose my mind.

Luckily, there was a great nurse next to us and she knew I was nervous. She came to check in every now and then and would try to help with certain things. I could tell our nurse didn’t appreciate it too much, but I know I did. A few hours into the day, I went and spoke with the charge nurse. I explained that I didn’t want to get her in trouble, but I was not comfortable with her taking care of my babies and that I would prefer to not have her as our nurse in the future. She was very understanding and listened to all of my concerns. I felt bad “telling on” this nurse, but when it comes to the health and well-being of my babies that will always win. She was a nice enough woman, but I really feel that if you are working in a NICU then you need to be 100% on your game at all times.

So, it was a very stressful day in the NICU today. I was anxious the entire time and couldn’t enjoy my babies at all. After I left, I felt so guilty that I didn’t get to enjoy my time with them. Sometimes it just makes me so overwhelmingly sick that someone else is responsible for taking care of my babies. Yesterday, while I was holding Cameron, Violet was crying and moving around in her bed. I know she was fine, but I felt so awful. I couldn’t help but cry. There was nothing I could do. All I wanted to do was hold my sweet girl and I couldn’t. Sometimes this really just sucks.

On a positive note, Cameron is in a CRIB! He is finally big enough to be out of the incubator. They switched him over yesterday and he’s been able to regulate his body temperature since then. Violet is off high flow oxygen and doing very well. She’s still too little to be in a crib, but she is gaining weight. I can’t wait until I’m typing blogs while watching my precious angels sleep peacefully (because of course they will… at the same time). Please keep praying for the babies. Yes, they are doing well, but people tend to forget that I would still only be 31 weeks pregnant. They aren’t supposed to be out in this world, yet, but they are doing amazingly. My little fighters never cease to amaze me.

Best Moving Day Ever!

Yesterday was one of the most precious days of my entire life. As I sat kangarooing Cameron, our favorite nurse, Megan, came over to me and asked, “How do you think Cameron would like a change of scenery?”. I knew exactly what she meant and I got excited. It was FINALLY time for the twins to be moved next to each other!!! It’s been 5 weeks tomorrow and the twins haven’t been near each other. Within minutes, they began moving the bed that was currently next to Violet and started getting Cameron ready for the big move.

Once he was in his new spot, we couldn't take the smiles off of our faces. Dennis was kangarooing Violet so he was able to watch everything happen, as well. Then, even though I’d held Cameron for the day already, Megan took him back out and we were able to take our first FAMILY picture. Needless to say, my eyes are ridiculously puffy because I couldn’t stop crying. We waited so long for that moment and it was finally there. We held them there for a few minutes just soaking everything in when Megan said, “Okay, now I’m really going to push it”. She took Cameron from me and put him in Dennis’s arms. Dennis was holding our two babies and they were as close as they had ever been since being born. For us, it was absolutely incredible. I loved seeing them together. It was one of those few times in life when you picture something in your head over and over and then when it actually happens it’s even BETTER than you’d imagined. We all know that doesn’t happen very often. It was absolutely beautiful and it’s something I will never, ever forget. When I’m 100 years old, and I’m about to peacefully die in my sleep (because duh, that WILL be how it happens), I will have the images of last night running through my mind.

 

 

Violet slept through pretty much the entire thing. This was a little surprising to us because she’s our little party girl. She always has to try to stay awake when she knows someone is there. But, she was out like a light for the big move. Cameron, who sleeps through everything, was WIDE awake. He was the most alert I’ve ever seen him. His eyes were big and it looked like he just kept trying to figure out what the hell was going on. They were both so cute. We kept saying that Cameron was telling Violet she can’t boss him around anymore just because they are close again. I told Violet she can’t be a bossy pants, but I don’t think she’s going to listen. I told them both to look out for each other and to keep each other company when Mommy and Daddy aren’t there. The move actually made leaving a little easier because I knew they were so close. They’re finally together again. While they’re still in their incubators, it shouldn’t be too long before they can come out and be in NICU cribs. Cameron is wearing clothes and Violet will probably come off high flow and move to regular nasal cannulas soon. I’ll say this until the day I die (which will be when I’m 100): my babies are miracles. I love them more than anything in this world and I can’t wait to get them home. Miracles do happen.

One Month Old!

Our babies turned one month old yesterday! In a way it seemed to go by fast, but then I think about being in the hospital and the day they were born, and the first time I saw them in the NICU and it feels like a lifetime ago. I also think about the fact that that means we’re only about a third of the way through this (hopefully!).  It’s so strange.

We made it through Thanksgiving! One of the main reasons we were able to make it through is because when we arrived at the hospital, Cameron was on the high flow nasal cannulas! We were so happy. Violet was taken of the cpap earlier than Cameron, but this little man seems to be catching right up. They are both doing so well.  Every day that goes by is one day closer to bringing those little angels home.  They are making this so much easier on me by fighting so hard and progressing as they are. I’m so proud of them and pray that they continue to get bigger, stronger, and healthier every day.

With the holiday season starting, the emotional roller coaster is hitting me again. I’m not going to be decorating or putting up my tree this year. I’m not anti-Christmas or holidays or being happy or anything like that. I just know that every time I’d look at my tree, instead of getting that warm and cozy feeling, it would just make me miss the babies more. I can’t imagine missing them even more than I do now.  It’s getting harder to leave rather than easier and I think it’s because they are starting to really seem like BABIES. They open their eyes so much more and respond to our voices. Holding them is the most amazing feeling in the world because they are so content and warm and snuggly. It’s perfect. I never want it to end while it’s happening. I have to admit, though, it does get quite uncomfortable for my neck because I can’t help but stare at them the entire time.  

Everyone keeps asking when they will be home. The fact is, we don’t know. We don’t know because they are preemies. Today, they should be 31 weeks old… GESTATIONAL age. Instead, they are one month old. It’s absolutely insane. I know there are still so many what ifs and so many possible things that can happen, but I have faith that they will pull through. They are such miracles. We are so lucky that these babies survived! And now they are doing so awesomely.  One of the nurses said, “it’s okay to be happy, but you know you have to be cautious… you can’t trust a preemie”. After she walked away, I whispered to Cameron, “I trust you. I trust you and your sister”.  I hope that gave them some extra fight.

I can’t wait until the day I feel whole again. My chest feels empty and my mind is always thinking that I’m missing something. I know exactly what those somethings are and soon they’ll be at home with me, Dennis, and Ivy. Keep sending the love, prayers and support.