Yep... Still Miracles

A couple of weeks ago, the babies had their follow up appointments at the children’s hospital. At these appointments (that they will go to every 3 months until they are 2 years old) they see a nurse, a neonatologist, a physical therapist and an occupational therapist. As we made the turn onto 95^th street, I could see the hospital. Automatically, my stomach turned and my eyes filled with tears.  So, as we approached the hospital, I became more and more anxious.

We didn’t have to wait too long… maybe 20 minutes in the lobby. However, from the time we arrived to the time we walked out the door to leave was 3 hours! The babies were crabby as hell and hungry since they refused to take their bottles cold. It was pretty much a nightmare.

The neonatologist said they looked great and he didn’t have any concerns. We were extremely relieved and anxious for pt/ot to come into the room. By the time they did come into the room, both babies had reached their breaking points. It wasn’t pretty. After playing around with both of the babies, they came to the conclusion that they wanted to refer Cameron to early intervention for a couple of reasons. The first reason was that he favors his right side. He sleeps on this side of his head and tends to want to turn this way. The second reason was because he makes fists a lot. He actually barely opened his hands for them, but I knew that he did it often at home. Either way, they referred him and decided to refer Violet, as well, just so she could get into the system. The early intervention coordinator came by last week and set up the appointment for this afternoon.

As much as I know the babies are doing well, it just really sucks that I have a constant anxious feeling about their growth and development. I hate when I’m reminded that they are preemies and that they could have major health or developmental problems.

The physical therapist, developmental therapist and coordinator arrived at noon and right away I was very comfortable with them. They weren’t intimidating or there to just do a job. They were great with the babies and really explained everything they were looking for in great detail. They asked a bunch of questions about each of the babies and the pregnancy and then assessed each baby individually. When they were finished they exchanged a glance and a few quick words and then told me that NEITHER baby qualifies for any early intervention at this time. BOTH of my amazing miracle babies are perfectly on target for their adjusted ages. I couldn’t help but cry as they told me how wonderful they think the babies are doing and how impressed they are with their progress and current ability levels.  I listened as I cried (and made the developmental therapist cry, as well!) all while thanking God to have been blessed with such perfect miracles. It astounds me every single day of their lives how incredible they are, how hard they fought and how proud I am of them.  While I still can’t believe everything happened the way it did… and it still haunts me every night… I’ll never forget how lucky I am to be Violet’s and Cameron’s mommy. I must’ve done something right in my life to deserve these miracles.

The developmental therapist was wonderful and gave me her contact information if I ever have any questions down the road. The road is not finished as they have many milestones to accomplish, but this one was huge. She also recommended the book, “Touchpoints” by Dr. T Berry Brazelton, MD. I just ordered it on Amazon so I’ll let everyone know how that turns out!

Hope for a Better Tomorrow

On my birthday this past year, I sat in the NICU holding my babies and watching them sleep. I was holding Cameron when the nurse came in to tell me that there had been a school shooting. My sister was also texting me the same thing. It was December 14, 2012.

As the details started to come in, I remember crying as I held Cameron in my arms, listened to Violet make her soft little noises, and stared at the picture of Jaxon that was hanging in Cam’s crib. Their beautiful  faces were so innocent and so unknowing of hate, evil and tragedy. I wondered how we could possibly raise children in such a scary world. I wondered how I could ever let go of their hands when it’s time for them to go to school. I wondered how, when the day comes, I will let them go to a friend’s house or on vacation without me or to a sporting event or anywhere without me. Who would protect them? How would I know they would be okay? My mind was spinning and my heart was aching for those parents that held their babies 5 or 6 short years ago the same way I was holding mine and now they were going to have to bury them. I couldn’t imagine… I wouldn’t imagine.

Then, after the bombings in Boston yesterday, the same thoughts flooded my mind. All of these people—families, friends, spouses… all there to accomplish a goal or to support a goal. People who left their houses or hotel rooms not thinking for a second that tragedy would strike and the goals for themselves or loved ones would forever be changed. It’s heartbreaking. It’s terrifying. It’s our reality.

So, how do I raise my kids in this world… this “reality” that we are faced with now?  My mind automatically goes into protection mode. How can I keep them safe? When I calm down and become more realistic, though, I realize that they answer isn’t how to protect my children. The answer to raising kids in this world is to raise them to be good people. We need to raise our kids to be the better in the world… to be the good… to be able to CHANGE the world for the better. Of course, I can’t sit with Cameron in his Kindergarten classroom to make sure no one is mean to him.  And I certainly can’t keep Violet’s first boyfriend from breaking her heart. The same way I can’t possibly keep horrible things from happening to them. I’m not going to keep them from school and school events or Cub games or the zoo or the city because I’m terrified something bad will happen. I will not deprive them of life’s experiences because tragic things happen sometimes. That’s not fair to them and that will not allow them to obtain the experiences they need to become well-rounded and intelligent individuals. I want them to appreciate diversity and be accepting and loving people. You don’t become this way by hiding from the world. You become this way by loving the world and the people that live in it. I don’t want them to fear the beautiful world we have.

I don’t want them to be naïve or ignorant about the world, though. Understanding that there are mean people or people who need help is essential for their intellectual and emotional growth. I don’t want them to think revenge or retaliation is always the answer, but rather, justice. I want them to look at the heroes, the helpers, the GOOD people and know that THESE are the people that we believe in. These are the people that enable the human race to survive. These are the majority. I don’t want them to be scared, just aware. I don’t want them to be unwilling, just cautious. I want them to know the difference between anger and hate and right and wrong. I don’t know exactly how to do all of this. I guess the best way I can think of is to lead by example.  Again, I’m not exactly sure how to do this. But, I am sure that I will teach them to love and stand up for what they believe in.  If everyone would just spread a message of peace maybe we’d see less tragedy. If people would stop caring who married who or what gods we pray to, maybe we’d see a little less hate. Not maybe—I know we would.

We should all be a little more like my innocent babies. They aren’t jaded. Cameron has been sick for almost a week now and still every morning he wakes up with a huge smile on his face. No matter how pissed off Violet is, I can show her the colorful mobile my mom made for her and she can’t resist smiling. Let’s be happy. Let’s love each other. More importantly, let’s teach our children to do so in hopes that the future of our world has a chance of survival… peaceful survival.