A Few Gripes

Today is day 41 in the hospital and day 37 in the NICU.  While I wouldn’t say it gets “better” or “easier”, it does start to become more normal. We’ve adapted to the huge change in our lives. I’ve become more accepting of the fact that my babies are in intensive care. It’s never better or easier, though. My heart still aches every minute of every day. Even when I’m there my heart is aching and my eyes are filling up with tears because I’m constantly longing to take them home, stare at them, and hold them as close to me as possible.

We’ve loved so many of the nurses we’ve had in the NICU… some more than others. I’ve never felt completely uncomfortable until today, though. The nurse today was a very nice elderly woman. By elderly I mean over 70. I’m not discriminating against her age, but it seemed to me she was a few steps behind on everything. There were a few times the babies’ alarms were going off and there was a long time before a response. Cameron and Violet both had remnants of their last feedings on their faces. She didn’t know how to take Violet out of her incubator. The babies normally get assessed right before they eat (every 3 hours) so that the time in between they are just sleeping. This nurse was constantly bothering them with in between assessments and blood pressure readings. Violet was cold in her incubator (the alarm told us so) and she didn’t do anything. In fact, she left the doors open! Cameron spit up… she left it. She spilled meds all over Cameron’s blanket and then never replaced them. I could go on with a few more things, but I’m going to stop here. I think I mainly needed to type all of these gripes down to get it all out. I felt like I was going to lose my mind.

Luckily, there was a great nurse next to us and she knew I was nervous. She came to check in every now and then and would try to help with certain things. I could tell our nurse didn’t appreciate it too much, but I know I did. A few hours into the day, I went and spoke with the charge nurse. I explained that I didn’t want to get her in trouble, but I was not comfortable with her taking care of my babies and that I would prefer to not have her as our nurse in the future. She was very understanding and listened to all of my concerns. I felt bad “telling on” this nurse, but when it comes to the health and well-being of my babies that will always win. She was a nice enough woman, but I really feel that if you are working in a NICU then you need to be 100% on your game at all times.

So, it was a very stressful day in the NICU today. I was anxious the entire time and couldn’t enjoy my babies at all. After I left, I felt so guilty that I didn’t get to enjoy my time with them. Sometimes it just makes me so overwhelmingly sick that someone else is responsible for taking care of my babies. Yesterday, while I was holding Cameron, Violet was crying and moving around in her bed. I know she was fine, but I felt so awful. I couldn’t help but cry. There was nothing I could do. All I wanted to do was hold my sweet girl and I couldn’t. Sometimes this really just sucks.

On a positive note, Cameron is in a CRIB! He is finally big enough to be out of the incubator. They switched him over yesterday and he’s been able to regulate his body temperature since then. Violet is off high flow oxygen and doing very well. She’s still too little to be in a crib, but she is gaining weight. I can’t wait until I’m typing blogs while watching my precious angels sleep peacefully (because of course they will… at the same time). Please keep praying for the babies. Yes, they are doing well, but people tend to forget that I would still only be 31 weeks pregnant. They aren’t supposed to be out in this world, yet, but they are doing amazingly. My little fighters never cease to amaze me.