Ups and Downs

Yesterday when I went to the hospital the nurse asked me if I wanted to hold Violet. I was able to do kangaroo care with her. Feeling my baby against my skin was incredible. She’s so soft and little and perfect. We both were comfy and cuddled for about 40 minutes. I’ll never forget that feeling and how happy I was to hold her so close to me. I’d go through it all again for those 40 minutes. It’s so hard to be a mother and not be able to hold your babies whenever you want to. I have so many urges just to lift the tops of their incubators, take them out and put them close to my heart. If it wasn’t for all the damn tubes and ivs, I probably would do it! Needless to say, I was on a high and feeling great when I headed over to see Cameron.

When I approached Cameron’s nurse, I immediately asked how he was doing and her response was something like, “ehhh ok… he’s very touchy today”. She also went on to tell me that the pda is STILL not closed even with the second round of meds. They are calling it a “large” opening again. They are going to try one more round of meds and if that doesn’t work he will most likely be getting the surgery. My high came down to a low. My poor, sweet boy is working so hard. I feel so bad for him. I just wish I could take it all on myself and fix it all for him. Surgery makes me sick, but I know that if all goes well he will get much better… hopefully sooner rather than later. Whatever needs to be done to help him thrive will be done despite the fact that it makes me sick. I sat with Cam the rest of the afternoon, just staring at his sweet face. To me, he is starting to look a lot like Dennis. Dennis doesn’t see it, but I’ve really noticed it the past few days. I think Cam will look like Dennis and have his personality. Maybe that’s why I think he needs his Mama so much… just like Daddy did when they first met :-)

After I came home last night, my incision was beyond swollen, hard, and red. The antibiotics I was taking for the infection clearly weren’t kicking in yet. I wish someone would’ve told me NOT to put heat on it. I didn’t know any better, though, and I did put heat on it. The incision drained for a good 6 hours last night and still is a little bit right now. Maybe it was a good thing, though, because the pain has lessened significantly and the swelling has gone down. Dennis kept trying to get me to call the doctor last night, but there was no way IN HELL I was going to call only to be told to go to the ER. NO WAY was I going to go to the hospital last night. I would have seriously lost my mind. I’m going to call my doctor today just to make sure everything is okay. Looks like it’ll be hard for me to get to the babies on my own today, but my mom said she’d leave work to take me. We’ll see how that goes.

Pray for my babies, please. They’ve come a long way, but they’ve got a long way to go. Today I’m going to put pictures of Jaxon in their “bedrooms” so they’ll want to get big and strong to be able to play with him.