My heart hurts tonight. I’ve never felt pain like the kind I’ve
been experiencing. I know the babies are getting the care they need, but it
just doesn’t make it any easier to not have them with me. Leaving them makes me
so sick every single time. I just don’t know how I’m going to do this until
January. That month seems like it’s an eternity away from now. Everyone keeps
telling me to look at it day by day and I know that’s what I need to do, but I can’t
help but think about the 3 months that I won’t have my babies here with me. I don’t
know how to do this. I don’t know how I can figure out how to do this. I have
so many “moments” throughout the day where I just cry and cry. My guilt has not
subsided. I know it doesn’t make sense to blame myself, but I have to blame
someone for all of this. Who else would I blame?
My milk isn’t coming in. I’m only getting a few drops (if I’m
lucky) when I pump. The lactation nurse thinks that it’s because I had PCOS.
Yet another thing that I can’t do to help my babies… I was counting on this
being the one thing I could do to help them get big and strong and now I can’t
do this, either. I started taking Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle because the
nurse recommended both of the herbal supplements. Everything says that you
should be able to tell if it’s working within the first 24 hours. I’m not very
optimistic right now considering I’m still getting the same amount of milk. My next
move would be to talk to my doctor and see if there is something he can
prescribe to help out. The stupid infection is still here... and making things very difficult for me. One might think that going to the hospital and hanging out with the babies isn't that big of a deal and could be relaxing. I've yet to have a relaxing day with them. Between dividing my time between them, pumping, visitors, bathroom visits, gauze changes, etc. it's busy, busy, busy.
The results of Cam’s test still haven’t been read, but the
nurse and neonatologist said that they both believe he will need the surgery.
If this is the case (which I’m sure it is), it should happen early next week. At
this point, now that we know it’s probably happening, I just want it to happen
already so he can start to progress. He’s such a little sweetie and he breaks
my heart every day. I have a feeling he’s a mama’s boy and he’s going to need
me a lot more than our little flower. Our little flower, who is doing extremely
well! She’s doing everything she’s supposed to and she’s even sucking on a
little pacifier! It’s so cute. Her breathing is good, but I hope she can get
off that machine soon so I can always see her little face. The mask and the
headband that holds it in place, makes it so hard to see her face. She’s also
feeding now—up to 2.5 mls every 2 hours. What a good girl! I’ve gotten to hold
her a couple of times and we’ve done kangaroo care with her a couple of time,
as well. I’ve also gotten to do kangaroo care with Cameron! Our wonderful nurse
for Cameron thought Cam and I both needed it. She couldn’t have been more
right. It was perfect. I love my sweet babies so much.
Thank you to all of you for all of your love and support. We
don’t know what we’d do without you. Please continue to pray for our family.
No comments:
Post a Comment