High to Low

I’m sick right now.  I don’t have the flu. My head isn’t hurting. No infection. No virus. The only thing that is aching is my heart. When my son came off the ventilator, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. I told him that he would never have to go back on. Now, his little body has made a liar out of me. Today, the doctor told me that Cameron has a hernia and will need surgery. I haven’t talked to surgery, yet, just the doctor and our nurse. I know it’s a common problem for preemies and I know that he will recover, but it makes me so sick to my stomach to think of my sweet boy back on the ventilator and IV fluids and in pain. I thought we were done with all of that. It was a blow and it hurts.

I keep picturing him back on the vent and my eyes just keep filling with tears. I think about surgeons cutting into him yet again and leaving a scar on his tiny body. This poor angel is still supposed to be INSIDE of his mommy and instead he is moving onto his next surgery. It’s not fair to him. I can’t help but feel incredibly guilty. No one wants to see their babies in pain and it’s breaking my heart to think about how much his tiny little body has gone through and is going to go through.

Cameron is strong, though, and by the time he gets to surgery he’ll be even bigger and stronger. I have to have faith that he will put up a fight to get that vent out after surgery and he’ll be so hungry for a bottle that the nurses will have no choice but to get that stupid tube out of him.

We were on such a huge high because Cam took his first bottle yesterday during a feeding. I was nervous about it, but he did awesome with it. Today he took two more bottles while I was there. He’s eating like a champ and he was down on his flow and percentage of oxygen. I definitely went from an extreme high to an extreme low. This sucks.

I’m tired of the NICU life. I know it could be worse and I know my babies could’ve had a much rougher road. But, that doesn’t make things much easier. I’m so proud of them and so very, very ready to take them home. I miss them so much when I’m not there. It feels like I will never get to hold them in my arms here at home. I know that that’s not true, but it really feels that way. At this moment, I would give anything to be listening to Violet make her cute little noises and watching Cameron’s eyes light up when he hears me talk. Those are the things I long for every second that I’m not with them.

I know my miracle babies will continue to make me proud. I just wish they were doing it from our home.  I also know they are where they need to be right now. I just wish they were where I need them to be…