The Blog Post I Just Can't Write

It has certainly been a while! Honestly, I have no time to sit and gather my thoughts these days. I wish I did and hope that I will be able to blog on a regular basis someday soon! As for now...

a few people have asked me if I'm going to blog about the death of my Grammy or about her in general. I've tried a couple of times. I can't. I really feel like my words will not do her justice. My writing cannot express what a beautiful person she was. Words cannot describe what it was like to be there when she passed. It's the blog post that I just can't write... not yet, at least.

On another note, Violet and Cameron are getting SO BIG! I'm not sure how much they weigh right now, but I do know Cam has more than a couple of pounds on Violet. He is SUCH a goofball these days. I thought he would always be a sweet and sensitive little angel... I was wrong. I can't believe what a beast he's become! He has this laugh/cough/scream that he does to impress people. It's hilarious and ridiculous. He throws tantrums, sleeps it off and then wakes up with the biggest, cutest smile in the world. I can't believe how big he is and how much he's grown developmentally. He grabs things constantly and really studies them as he's playing. Cameron's way of transportation is rolling. He'll start at one end of the room and 2 minutes later, he's on the other side. We had to put the gate up by the stairs because he would roll right down if we let him. He's much more high maintenance than I imagined him being or than he was when he was an infant, but he's also the cutest and funniest baby I've ever seen. He brings such joy to our hearts and every time I think I couldn't love him more, I see that smile and fall in love all over again.

Miss Violet has also made some major changes. She is such a laid back and calm baby now. It's really incredible. She is sweet and sensitive and just precious. I took a picture of her the other day while holding her baby and sucking her thumb... I honestly don't think she could be any more adorable. At night, when Violet starts to get tired, all I have to do is put her in bed and she starts sucking her thumb and falls asleep (for the whole night, at that!). I think she knows that after a long day, Mommy needs a break. She's a very serious girl... she's a hard one to crack. However, when she does decide that you are worth a smile or laugh, it's well worth the wait because it is so perfect. She's such a curious girl. You can tell that she's really trying to figure things out when she's playing with them or when she's staring at someone. She's our precious little flower and we couldn't love anything more.

We're taking the babies to the doctor in a few weeks so I'll be sure to update everyone on their progress and their weights!

Hope for a Better Tomorrow

On my birthday this past year, I sat in the NICU holding my babies and watching them sleep. I was holding Cameron when the nurse came in to tell me that there had been a school shooting. My sister was also texting me the same thing. It was December 14, 2012.

As the details started to come in, I remember crying as I held Cameron in my arms, listened to Violet make her soft little noises, and stared at the picture of Jaxon that was hanging in Cam’s crib. Their beautiful  faces were so innocent and so unknowing of hate, evil and tragedy. I wondered how we could possibly raise children in such a scary world. I wondered how I could ever let go of their hands when it’s time for them to go to school. I wondered how, when the day comes, I will let them go to a friend’s house or on vacation without me or to a sporting event or anywhere without me. Who would protect them? How would I know they would be okay? My mind was spinning and my heart was aching for those parents that held their babies 5 or 6 short years ago the same way I was holding mine and now they were going to have to bury them. I couldn’t imagine… I wouldn’t imagine.

Then, after the bombings in Boston yesterday, the same thoughts flooded my mind. All of these people—families, friends, spouses… all there to accomplish a goal or to support a goal. People who left their houses or hotel rooms not thinking for a second that tragedy would strike and the goals for themselves or loved ones would forever be changed. It’s heartbreaking. It’s terrifying. It’s our reality.

So, how do I raise my kids in this world… this “reality” that we are faced with now?  My mind automatically goes into protection mode. How can I keep them safe? When I calm down and become more realistic, though, I realize that they answer isn’t how to protect my children. The answer to raising kids in this world is to raise them to be good people. We need to raise our kids to be the better in the world… to be the good… to be able to CHANGE the world for the better. Of course, I can’t sit with Cameron in his Kindergarten classroom to make sure no one is mean to him.  And I certainly can’t keep Violet’s first boyfriend from breaking her heart. The same way I can’t possibly keep horrible things from happening to them. I’m not going to keep them from school and school events or Cub games or the zoo or the city because I’m terrified something bad will happen. I will not deprive them of life’s experiences because tragic things happen sometimes. That’s not fair to them and that will not allow them to obtain the experiences they need to become well-rounded and intelligent individuals. I want them to appreciate diversity and be accepting and loving people. You don’t become this way by hiding from the world. You become this way by loving the world and the people that live in it. I don’t want them to fear the beautiful world we have.

I don’t want them to be naïve or ignorant about the world, though. Understanding that there are mean people or people who need help is essential for their intellectual and emotional growth. I don’t want them to think revenge or retaliation is always the answer, but rather, justice. I want them to look at the heroes, the helpers, the GOOD people and know that THESE are the people that we believe in. These are the people that enable the human race to survive. These are the majority. I don’t want them to be scared, just aware. I don’t want them to be unwilling, just cautious. I want them to know the difference between anger and hate and right and wrong. I don’t know exactly how to do all of this. I guess the best way I can think of is to lead by example.  Again, I’m not exactly sure how to do this. But, I am sure that I will teach them to love and stand up for what they believe in.  If everyone would just spread a message of peace maybe we’d see less tragedy. If people would stop caring who married who or what gods we pray to, maybe we’d see a little less hate. Not maybe—I know we would.

We should all be a little more like my innocent babies. They aren’t jaded. Cameron has been sick for almost a week now and still every morning he wakes up with a huge smile on his face. No matter how pissed off Violet is, I can show her the colorful mobile my mom made for her and she can’t resist smiling. Let’s be happy. Let’s love each other. More importantly, let’s teach our children to do so in hopes that the future of our world has a chance of survival… peaceful survival.

2012

Today is the last day of 2012. The day couldn’t have come fast enough for me. During lunch, just now, I asked Dennis how it was possible to have the worst year of your life when the absolute best thing of your life happened during that year? Doesn’t make sense, does it? That’s how it feels, though. I feel, without a doubt that this has been the most physically, mentally, and emotionally draining and painful year for me. And yet, the most amazing thing happened to me during this time and has made my life complete.

Between failed iuis and ivf cycles, painful progesterone, a major scare at 17 weeks pregnant, a surreal and nightmarish stay in the hospital, the birth of our 26 week old twins, and to now-- day 70 in the NICU, I’m not quite sure how we’ve survived through it all. But, we have. I’ve learned so much throughout this year and I’m not sure I can put it all into words. I’ve learned a great deal about myself, my husband, my family, my friends, my babies, strength, courage, love, compassion, pain, heartache, patience, fear, life, death, religion, oxygen, nurses, hospitals, human nature, selfishness, selflessness, odds, chances, routines, determination, the will to live, obstacles and miracles.

2012 will never be one of those “forgotten years” where you can’t really remember exactly what you did or who you were that year. Take for instance the year 2004. I remember bits and pieces from that year, but nothing major stands out. 2012 was the year that changed everything for me. I will never forget it. Part of me wants to forget it… block it out and never recall all of the pain and heartache. But if I forgot 2012, I wouldn’t remember what it was like to see Violet and Cameron when they were EMBRYOS. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to walk back into the bathroom after taking what I thought was a negative pregnancy test and seeing the faintest , little, pink line. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to tell my parents that they were going to have another grandchild… and then telling them that they were going to have TWO. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to see TWO little jumping beans on the ultrasound screen. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to feel my babies moving inside of me… I would do it all again just to feel that one more time. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like when the ultrasound technician confirmed what I already knew—I was carrying my son and my daughter. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to look at my babies for the first time… even though I was terrified, they were the most beautiful things in the world and I wanted nothing more than to take care of them forever. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to touch them for the first time or what it was like to feel their skin against mine when I first got to kangaroo with each of them. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to feel their tiny little hearts beating against my chest. I wouldn’t remember the first time I heard them make a noise and the first time I heard Cameron cry. I wouldn’t remember the first time Violet latched onto my finger. I wouldn’t remember the first time I knew that they were looking right at me. I wouldn’t remember how happy I was when my son came off of the ventilator. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like when Violet took a bottle. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to have them both close to us and each other. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to look at them both at the same time and think about how absolutely beautiful they were. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to know my babies were going to be okay… and that we were all going to make it together. I’d do it all again… just for a second of any of those things. THOSE are the things that have made my life complete. THOSE are the things that will NEVER let me forget this year and what it has given me.

I’m happy to see it leave. I’m welcoming 2013 with open arms. This new year is a fresh start for our family. While we are still dealing with being in the NICU, we know we’re close to our destination. We know it won’t be long now until we have our sweet babies at home where they belong.

Dennis and I know that when we bring the twins home our lives are going to be thrown into disarray, yet again. We’re ready, though. We’re ready for the 3 am feedings, the crying, the hundreds of diapers, the laundry, not leaving the house and the major lack of sleep. We’re looking forward to it. All of that stuff, as non-fun and exciting as they sound, are things we’ve been longing for.  Knowing that each of those things will be met with baby smells, and bath times, and smiles and kisses and cuddles (times two!) only makes us look forward to everything a little more.

On this last day of 2012, I am beyond thankful.  I’m thankful we’ve all made it to see this new year… this new year of hope and laughter and happiness. Tonight at midnight we will be at the hospital ringing in the new year with our future--our babies. We'll be celebrating this new year that brings my babies home to me.  Today, we learned that our sweet princess, Violet, will be coming home on Thursday. We are so happy and excited to bring her home and close this chapter of her life.  Soon, Cameron will follow. Perfection will not be reached until he is home, as well, but we’re getting close… so close I can almost feel it. Get here, 2013… the Sheppards are more than ready. We can handle anything, trust me.

Tired

The babies will be 7 weeks old in a couple of days. I can’t believe we’re surviving this! I'm tired.The past 7 weeks have been the most trying and exhausting days of my life. On facebook, I read people’s statuses and look at their pictures and get jealous that they are living a “normal” life. I know things will never be the same, but at least we will have our new normal when the babies come home.  It’s hard not to feel alone in this journey even though we have people all around us. It’s a very unique situation that not many people can relate to. I never thought I’d be experiencing it. I know it’s made me a stronger and more patient person, but I still don’t understand why it had to happen to us… to our babies.

The babies are doing well. The morning I last blogged, I hadn’t gotten my morning update from Dennis, yet. A little while after I posted, he called me and told me that both of the babies had had a rough night. Violet was back on the cannula and Cameron was having heart rate drops. Hearing these things was difficult and made me anxious to be with them for the day. When I got to the hospital I felt more alone than I had in weeks. Luckily, I have an awesome mom who came up to spend the rough day with me. The babies dsatted a lot and Cameron had a heart rate drop or two. Their monitors were going off all day! It was awful. Those monitors are enough to make you crazy, that's for sure! That seemed to be the worst of it, though. The babies are doing well today.

Yesterday marked the day that I would’ve been exactly 33 weeks pregnant. I don’t think I’ll ever get over how early these babies came. However, considering everything, we really are very lucky. We hit a HUGE milestone today when Violet had her first BOTTLE!!! Bottle feeding starts when the babies are doing well with their breathing and are showing signs that they can handle the bottle.  She took 10 mls out of her 36 ml feeding. She did so well and we were so proud of her. I couldn’t stop crying through the whole thing. Bottle feeding is a huge step closer to coming home. For now, she’s only going to be trying one bottle a day and we’ll slowly work our way up depending on how she tolerates them. At this rate, there’s a very good chance she’ll be coming home before Cameron. Our sweet boy is still on anywhere between 32 and 38 percent oxygen with 2 liter flow of oxygen. They’ve tried to wean him down a couple of times, but he doesn’t seem to like it very much. Hopefully, within the next few days he’s able to tolerate the weaning. We’d really like to see that oxygen lowered. He is not ready to bottle feed with his breathing issues. He is, however, getting a lot bigger. Cameron is now about 4 lbs 7oz and Violet is 3 lbs 14 oz. They’re really doing a nice job with their weight gains.

I’m not sure how we’ll handle Violet coming home before Cameron… especially if it’s before the holidays. The whole thing breaks my heart. While I want her home more than anything in the world, I feel sick thinking about taking her home and leaving him there. First, I’m not sure how I would take care of her and go spend time with him and second I HATE the idea of him being in the hospital by himself and not here with us. Our family won’t be complete until we are all here. I just can’t wait much longer!!!

Best Moving Day Ever!

Yesterday was one of the most precious days of my entire life. As I sat kangarooing Cameron, our favorite nurse, Megan, came over to me and asked, “How do you think Cameron would like a change of scenery?”. I knew exactly what she meant and I got excited. It was FINALLY time for the twins to be moved next to each other!!! It’s been 5 weeks tomorrow and the twins haven’t been near each other. Within minutes, they began moving the bed that was currently next to Violet and started getting Cameron ready for the big move.

Once he was in his new spot, we couldn't take the smiles off of our faces. Dennis was kangarooing Violet so he was able to watch everything happen, as well. Then, even though I’d held Cameron for the day already, Megan took him back out and we were able to take our first FAMILY picture. Needless to say, my eyes are ridiculously puffy because I couldn’t stop crying. We waited so long for that moment and it was finally there. We held them there for a few minutes just soaking everything in when Megan said, “Okay, now I’m really going to push it”. She took Cameron from me and put him in Dennis’s arms. Dennis was holding our two babies and they were as close as they had ever been since being born. For us, it was absolutely incredible. I loved seeing them together. It was one of those few times in life when you picture something in your head over and over and then when it actually happens it’s even BETTER than you’d imagined. We all know that doesn’t happen very often. It was absolutely beautiful and it’s something I will never, ever forget. When I’m 100 years old, and I’m about to peacefully die in my sleep (because duh, that WILL be how it happens), I will have the images of last night running through my mind.

 

 

Violet slept through pretty much the entire thing. This was a little surprising to us because she’s our little party girl. She always has to try to stay awake when she knows someone is there. But, she was out like a light for the big move. Cameron, who sleeps through everything, was WIDE awake. He was the most alert I’ve ever seen him. His eyes were big and it looked like he just kept trying to figure out what the hell was going on. They were both so cute. We kept saying that Cameron was telling Violet she can’t boss him around anymore just because they are close again. I told Violet she can’t be a bossy pants, but I don’t think she’s going to listen. I told them both to look out for each other and to keep each other company when Mommy and Daddy aren’t there. The move actually made leaving a little easier because I knew they were so close. They’re finally together again. While they’re still in their incubators, it shouldn’t be too long before they can come out and be in NICU cribs. Cameron is wearing clothes and Violet will probably come off high flow and move to regular nasal cannulas soon. I’ll say this until the day I die (which will be when I’m 100): my babies are miracles. I love them more than anything in this world and I can’t wait to get them home. Miracles do happen.

One Month Old!

Our babies turned one month old yesterday! In a way it seemed to go by fast, but then I think about being in the hospital and the day they were born, and the first time I saw them in the NICU and it feels like a lifetime ago. I also think about the fact that that means we’re only about a third of the way through this (hopefully!).  It’s so strange.

We made it through Thanksgiving! One of the main reasons we were able to make it through is because when we arrived at the hospital, Cameron was on the high flow nasal cannulas! We were so happy. Violet was taken of the cpap earlier than Cameron, but this little man seems to be catching right up. They are both doing so well.  Every day that goes by is one day closer to bringing those little angels home.  They are making this so much easier on me by fighting so hard and progressing as they are. I’m so proud of them and pray that they continue to get bigger, stronger, and healthier every day.

With the holiday season starting, the emotional roller coaster is hitting me again. I’m not going to be decorating or putting up my tree this year. I’m not anti-Christmas or holidays or being happy or anything like that. I just know that every time I’d look at my tree, instead of getting that warm and cozy feeling, it would just make me miss the babies more. I can’t imagine missing them even more than I do now.  It’s getting harder to leave rather than easier and I think it’s because they are starting to really seem like BABIES. They open their eyes so much more and respond to our voices. Holding them is the most amazing feeling in the world because they are so content and warm and snuggly. It’s perfect. I never want it to end while it’s happening. I have to admit, though, it does get quite uncomfortable for my neck because I can’t help but stare at them the entire time.  

Everyone keeps asking when they will be home. The fact is, we don’t know. We don’t know because they are preemies. Today, they should be 31 weeks old… GESTATIONAL age. Instead, they are one month old. It’s absolutely insane. I know there are still so many what ifs and so many possible things that can happen, but I have faith that they will pull through. They are such miracles. We are so lucky that these babies survived! And now they are doing so awesomely.  One of the nurses said, “it’s okay to be happy, but you know you have to be cautious… you can’t trust a preemie”. After she walked away, I whispered to Cameron, “I trust you. I trust you and your sister”.  I hope that gave them some extra fight.

I can’t wait until the day I feel whole again. My chest feels empty and my mind is always thinking that I’m missing something. I know exactly what those somethings are and soon they’ll be at home with me, Dennis, and Ivy. Keep sending the love, prayers and support.