The Blog Post I Just Can't Write

It has certainly been a while! Honestly, I have no time to sit and gather my thoughts these days. I wish I did and hope that I will be able to blog on a regular basis someday soon! As for now...

a few people have asked me if I'm going to blog about the death of my Grammy or about her in general. I've tried a couple of times. I can't. I really feel like my words will not do her justice. My writing cannot express what a beautiful person she was. Words cannot describe what it was like to be there when she passed. It's the blog post that I just can't write... not yet, at least.

On another note, Violet and Cameron are getting SO BIG! I'm not sure how much they weigh right now, but I do know Cam has more than a couple of pounds on Violet. He is SUCH a goofball these days. I thought he would always be a sweet and sensitive little angel... I was wrong. I can't believe what a beast he's become! He has this laugh/cough/scream that he does to impress people. It's hilarious and ridiculous. He throws tantrums, sleeps it off and then wakes up with the biggest, cutest smile in the world. I can't believe how big he is and how much he's grown developmentally. He grabs things constantly and really studies them as he's playing. Cameron's way of transportation is rolling. He'll start at one end of the room and 2 minutes later, he's on the other side. We had to put the gate up by the stairs because he would roll right down if we let him. He's much more high maintenance than I imagined him being or than he was when he was an infant, but he's also the cutest and funniest baby I've ever seen. He brings such joy to our hearts and every time I think I couldn't love him more, I see that smile and fall in love all over again.

Miss Violet has also made some major changes. She is such a laid back and calm baby now. It's really incredible. She is sweet and sensitive and just precious. I took a picture of her the other day while holding her baby and sucking her thumb... I honestly don't think she could be any more adorable. At night, when Violet starts to get tired, all I have to do is put her in bed and she starts sucking her thumb and falls asleep (for the whole night, at that!). I think she knows that after a long day, Mommy needs a break. She's a very serious girl... she's a hard one to crack. However, when she does decide that you are worth a smile or laugh, it's well worth the wait because it is so perfect. She's such a curious girl. You can tell that she's really trying to figure things out when she's playing with them or when she's staring at someone. She's our precious little flower and we couldn't love anything more.

We're taking the babies to the doctor in a few weeks so I'll be sure to update everyone on their progress and their weights!

First Mother's Day

My first Mother’s Day was perfect. I woke up to TWO happy, smiling babies babbling in their room and waiting to be picked up. My heart melts every morning when I go into their room because they get so happy to see me. It’s so adorably precious.

After we fed the babies, Dennis gave me my gift from him and then one from Cam and Violet. From Dennis, I received two Pandora charms—since October has two birth stones, he got one of each for the babies. Then, he gave me my gift from Cameron and Violet and it couldn’t have been more perfect. It was a 3 picture frame. In the middle was a collage of the babies and on each side their handprints. It’s already hanging in the bedroom so I can see it before I go to sleep and when I wake up. He really did a great job for my first Mother’s Day.

We went to my sister’s for the day (sorry you were so sick, Amy!) and had a nice time.  It’s amazing to watch our family grow and by the end of this coming October it will grow even more. I can’t wait to meet my new niece or nephew, but I already warned him or her that coming out at 26 weeks is just unacceptable.

So many times throughout this day, I would just look at the babies and my eyes would fill up with tears. I’m such a lucky woman to have been blessed with Violet and Cameron. I wouldn’t be half the mom I am if I didn’t give credit to my awesome mom. My mom has done nothing but work hard her whole life both inside and outside of the home to give us everything we could’ve ever needed or wanted. She’s caring, loving, hardworking, patient, selfless and just plain awesome. Not only would I have no idea how to be a mother without her, but I honestly have no idea how I would’ve made it through the past year without her. When we were trying to get pregnant, when I was pregnant, when I was in the hospital, throughout our hospital stay, and now that they are home, she has been here for me every single step of the way. I’ve tried to tell her how much I appreciate her for it, but I don’t think she’ll ever really understand the depth of my gratitude.

To all the moms out there-thanks for warning me about how tough this would be… oh, wait… you didn’t really. Haha. God bless every single hardworking and loving mom out there. It truly is the toughest job in the world, but also the more rewarding.

To all the moms-to-be—it’s no joke. This shit is real and it’s crazy and it’s hard. No one is kidding about it. They aren’t exaggerating. Best of luck with this amazing experience… it’s worth it. And you will thank God for every single second with your angel.

To all of the hopeful mommies-to-be- I’ve been there. It sucks. It’s painful and sad and disappointing. But if and when it happens, as soon as you see your baby on your first ultrasound you will no longer be angry that you had to struggle. You will appreciate everything so very much and you will be a better mommy because of it.

Love to all of you wonderful women.

The One Who Doesn't Get Enough Credit

My husband.  He’s the one who doesn’t get enough credit. My husband works hard, works long hours, is  just as tired as I am, and still comes home and immediately grabs a baby. He’s amazing. I know he doesn’t think the same way, but I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. When I was waiting to have the babies in the hospital, Dennis was there sleeping on a couch and waiting on my bed-ridden self for four days straight. When the babies arrived, he shuffled dozens of people in and out of the NICU because he was so proud of our miracles. I’d never seen that look on his face. I knew he was nervous and scared about what was to come, but I could see how much he was beaming at the fact that he had a beautiful daughter and an precious son.

My heart melted (and still does) every time he would talk about them with such pride and their futures with such confidence. I needed that more than anything at the time and he was one of the only people to give it to me. I’ll be forever grateful to him for being there for me, but more importantly, being there for our children.

Every morning, my husband traveled to the hospital to spend even just a half hour with the babies before work. Then, after work, he would try his hardest to get there as early as possible and when the time finally came, for feedings. It was incredible.

I’m still trying to get through each day and night juggling the babies, the thoughts of the birth and NICU experience and the fact that my life has drastically changed. It’s beyond frustrating and I take it out on him. I take it out on him when he gets home at 6:40 instead of 6:15. That 25 minutes feels like an eternity to me and I am so exhausted and DONE that I just want to cry. I take it out on him. He doesn’t deserve it. Ideally, he deserves to come home to a happy wife and two smiling babies—it rarely happens. He takes it all in stride, and gives me space and allows me to take out my frustration on him, but it’s not fair. I know this. I’m going to try much harder to be a better friend, teammate and wife.

We’ve been through a lot together.  We make an awesome team.  I don’t want to ruin that. When I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, he was able to show me a little glimmer. When I wanted to give up, he held my hand and encouraged me. When I don’t have any confidence, he builds me up and supports me like no one ever has.

So, to the one who doesn’t get enough credit: I apologize. I love you with all of my heart. There is no one in the world that I would rather have as the father of our babies. You are an amazing dad. They know it already… I can tell by the way Cameron laughs with you or the way Violet calms down in your arms. We are so lucky to have you.  We know we can all be a lot to handle, but we’re worth it… we promise. Stick around for us, will ya? We love you… and kinda need you.

Yep... Still Miracles

A couple of weeks ago, the babies had their follow up appointments at the children’s hospital. At these appointments (that they will go to every 3 months until they are 2 years old) they see a nurse, a neonatologist, a physical therapist and an occupational therapist. As we made the turn onto 95^th street, I could see the hospital. Automatically, my stomach turned and my eyes filled with tears.  So, as we approached the hospital, I became more and more anxious.

We didn’t have to wait too long… maybe 20 minutes in the lobby. However, from the time we arrived to the time we walked out the door to leave was 3 hours! The babies were crabby as hell and hungry since they refused to take their bottles cold. It was pretty much a nightmare.

The neonatologist said they looked great and he didn’t have any concerns. We were extremely relieved and anxious for pt/ot to come into the room. By the time they did come into the room, both babies had reached their breaking points. It wasn’t pretty. After playing around with both of the babies, they came to the conclusion that they wanted to refer Cameron to early intervention for a couple of reasons. The first reason was that he favors his right side. He sleeps on this side of his head and tends to want to turn this way. The second reason was because he makes fists a lot. He actually barely opened his hands for them, but I knew that he did it often at home. Either way, they referred him and decided to refer Violet, as well, just so she could get into the system. The early intervention coordinator came by last week and set up the appointment for this afternoon.

As much as I know the babies are doing well, it just really sucks that I have a constant anxious feeling about their growth and development. I hate when I’m reminded that they are preemies and that they could have major health or developmental problems.

The physical therapist, developmental therapist and coordinator arrived at noon and right away I was very comfortable with them. They weren’t intimidating or there to just do a job. They were great with the babies and really explained everything they were looking for in great detail. They asked a bunch of questions about each of the babies and the pregnancy and then assessed each baby individually. When they were finished they exchanged a glance and a few quick words and then told me that NEITHER baby qualifies for any early intervention at this time. BOTH of my amazing miracle babies are perfectly on target for their adjusted ages. I couldn’t help but cry as they told me how wonderful they think the babies are doing and how impressed they are with their progress and current ability levels.  I listened as I cried (and made the developmental therapist cry, as well!) all while thanking God to have been blessed with such perfect miracles. It astounds me every single day of their lives how incredible they are, how hard they fought and how proud I am of them.  While I still can’t believe everything happened the way it did… and it still haunts me every night… I’ll never forget how lucky I am to be Violet’s and Cameron’s mommy. I must’ve done something right in my life to deserve these miracles.

The developmental therapist was wonderful and gave me her contact information if I ever have any questions down the road. The road is not finished as they have many milestones to accomplish, but this one was huge. She also recommended the book, “Touchpoints” by Dr. T Berry Brazelton, MD. I just ordered it on Amazon so I’ll let everyone know how that turns out!

Hope for a Better Tomorrow

On my birthday this past year, I sat in the NICU holding my babies and watching them sleep. I was holding Cameron when the nurse came in to tell me that there had been a school shooting. My sister was also texting me the same thing. It was December 14, 2012.

As the details started to come in, I remember crying as I held Cameron in my arms, listened to Violet make her soft little noises, and stared at the picture of Jaxon that was hanging in Cam’s crib. Their beautiful  faces were so innocent and so unknowing of hate, evil and tragedy. I wondered how we could possibly raise children in such a scary world. I wondered how I could ever let go of their hands when it’s time for them to go to school. I wondered how, when the day comes, I will let them go to a friend’s house or on vacation without me or to a sporting event or anywhere without me. Who would protect them? How would I know they would be okay? My mind was spinning and my heart was aching for those parents that held their babies 5 or 6 short years ago the same way I was holding mine and now they were going to have to bury them. I couldn’t imagine… I wouldn’t imagine.

Then, after the bombings in Boston yesterday, the same thoughts flooded my mind. All of these people—families, friends, spouses… all there to accomplish a goal or to support a goal. People who left their houses or hotel rooms not thinking for a second that tragedy would strike and the goals for themselves or loved ones would forever be changed. It’s heartbreaking. It’s terrifying. It’s our reality.

So, how do I raise my kids in this world… this “reality” that we are faced with now?  My mind automatically goes into protection mode. How can I keep them safe? When I calm down and become more realistic, though, I realize that they answer isn’t how to protect my children. The answer to raising kids in this world is to raise them to be good people. We need to raise our kids to be the better in the world… to be the good… to be able to CHANGE the world for the better. Of course, I can’t sit with Cameron in his Kindergarten classroom to make sure no one is mean to him.  And I certainly can’t keep Violet’s first boyfriend from breaking her heart. The same way I can’t possibly keep horrible things from happening to them. I’m not going to keep them from school and school events or Cub games or the zoo or the city because I’m terrified something bad will happen. I will not deprive them of life’s experiences because tragic things happen sometimes. That’s not fair to them and that will not allow them to obtain the experiences they need to become well-rounded and intelligent individuals. I want them to appreciate diversity and be accepting and loving people. You don’t become this way by hiding from the world. You become this way by loving the world and the people that live in it. I don’t want them to fear the beautiful world we have.

I don’t want them to be naïve or ignorant about the world, though. Understanding that there are mean people or people who need help is essential for their intellectual and emotional growth. I don’t want them to think revenge or retaliation is always the answer, but rather, justice. I want them to look at the heroes, the helpers, the GOOD people and know that THESE are the people that we believe in. These are the people that enable the human race to survive. These are the majority. I don’t want them to be scared, just aware. I don’t want them to be unwilling, just cautious. I want them to know the difference between anger and hate and right and wrong. I don’t know exactly how to do all of this. I guess the best way I can think of is to lead by example.  Again, I’m not exactly sure how to do this. But, I am sure that I will teach them to love and stand up for what they believe in.  If everyone would just spread a message of peace maybe we’d see less tragedy. If people would stop caring who married who or what gods we pray to, maybe we’d see a little less hate. Not maybe—I know we would.

We should all be a little more like my innocent babies. They aren’t jaded. Cameron has been sick for almost a week now and still every morning he wakes up with a huge smile on his face. No matter how pissed off Violet is, I can show her the colorful mobile my mom made for her and she can’t resist smiling. Let’s be happy. Let’s love each other. More importantly, let’s teach our children to do so in hopes that the future of our world has a chance of survival… peaceful survival.

Violet and Cameron Update!

I had a nightmare last night that I woke up and the babies' feeding tubes were back in. I woke up and wanted to throw up. I just can't escape thoughts of the whole experience. I feel like it still just tortures me. I guess I've just never experienced something traumatic like this. Still, not a day goes by where I don't think of the days I was waiting for them to be born in the hospital, the day they were born and random NICU days or nights. Ugh. Why can't I just start to put it in the past?

The babies are so awesome. We are so incredibly blessed. Violet's colic has eased up a HUGE deal. When she screams at night it's mainly a "bored" scream instead of a "painful" scream. She's such a happy baby in the morning and throughout the day... it's even carrying into the night sometimes. She's getting cuter and cuter everyday. Her smile just melts my heart. That girl is going to be a heartbreaker... and a toughie. I definitely don't see her being a girlie girl. She's feisty.

Cameron is the happiest baby in the world. He laughs at everything. Even when he's getting upset about something, I can make a funny noise or funny face and he just HAS to smile or laugh. It is the cutest thing I've ever seen. He talks and talks and talks in the mornings. It's one of my favorite things. His one eye no longer wanders anymore. I was a little concerned with it a few weeks ago because he just wasn't focusing, but now he focuses on everything! Every time I move their little eyes follow me.They are both getting so big.They are in 3 month clothes... some 0-3 month, but those are fading fast.

Easter is coming up soon and I'm so excited to dress them up and take them to their first real holiday. Since flu season will practically be over, we are venturing out to my grandparents' house with the babies. I bought Violet a bright yellow dress with white tights and a white bonnet. The bonnet is definitely for my Grammy and my mom. It wouldn't be Easter if the baby girl wasn't wearing a bonnet! Cam is going to wear khakis and an aqua polo with some yellow in it. They are going to be so cute. I can't wait to get them little Easter baskets.

While the babies are amazing and perfect, this time has been rough. My husband and I barely talk. We don't have time! When he walks in the door, he grabs a baby and then we are working for the night. For some reason, evening is definitely the babies' awake/crazy time. They are very needy at night. However, we've started trying to get them into bed between 9-10 every night even if they are a little awake still. It's going alright... better than I expected. They are waking up about twice a night... sometimes more, but they've been going longer without needing a bottle. Hopefully this continues to improve so Dennis and I can finally get some sleep. To those people who say they kept their twins on a schedule... I seriously don't believe them. It was impossible after the first couple weeks of having them both home. They want to eat and sleep and play at different times nearly every day.

They still sleep next to me in their rock n' plays (which I highly recommend them to any new mommy!), but today I am getting them the little inclined positioners for their cribs. I think I'm going to start putting them in there slowly, but surely. Part of me wants to throw up when I think about that, but the other part feels a sense of relief that I'm able to think about doing that. I should sleep better with them in the other room... at least after a while. At first I'll probably sneak in there every 15 minutes or so just to look at them. My mom recently said she would take one of them for the night to help us get some sleep, but I'm just not ready for that, yet. I spent way too many nights away from these precious angels. While I do need breaks from them (as all mommys do), the breaks can't be too long because I start to get way too anxious.

I can't believe they let me finish this all in one sitting! Cam is starting to stir though... he must miss his mama!

Colic (sucks)

My heart is breaking for my poor girl. She screams and screams and screams. Nothing seems to soothe her lately. As if being helpless in the NICU wasn’t enough, I feel helpless, now, at home. This doesn’t seem fair. It’s not the fact that she’s screaming, though, it’s that she’s in pain and I can’t do anything about it. We have tried everything to help this girl! The term “colic” seems like a cop out to me. Figure out what’s wrong with these babies and why they can’t calm down!

I hate to wish this time away, but I hate knowing that Violet is miserable. I think I was really naïve as to how this would all be. I could handle the no sleep and the craziness of handling two babies by myself, but I cannot handle her being an unhappy baby… or worse, a baby in pain.

When the babies are happy (which Cam is for the most part), words can’t express how I feel. Seeing them smile makes my heart swell 10 sizes. It’s the most precious thing I’ve ever seen. They are starting to watch me. If I put them in their cribs for a minute to play or something, I watch their little eyes follow me. I can’t help but reassure them that I’ll be right back and I’ll never leave them.

I know it’s seems silly, but I do wonder if they have any recollection of the NICU. If they think that there is going to be a period of time when I’m not going to be there. I hate thinking about that and I know they probably don’t have those thoughts, but I can’t help but think about it.

Last night was another rough night for Violet. I posted for help on facebook and we had already tried everything that people had suggested. My poor girl… I hope she feels better soon. I cried most of the night right along with her last night. Listening to her and not being able to do anything is heartbreaking and stressful. There are definitely times when I feel like I’m going to lose it. That’s when my husband steps in, though, and takes over. We make a pretty good team. We’ve always known that, but the past 4 months have really proven it to be a fact. Sure we argue and get irritated with one another, but we really work together and cooperate and support each other. I’m so lucky to have found my soulmate… and even luckier that he’s so helpful!