The Blog Post I Just Can't Write

It has certainly been a while! Honestly, I have no time to sit and gather my thoughts these days. I wish I did and hope that I will be able to blog on a regular basis someday soon! As for now...

a few people have asked me if I'm going to blog about the death of my Grammy or about her in general. I've tried a couple of times. I can't. I really feel like my words will not do her justice. My writing cannot express what a beautiful person she was. Words cannot describe what it was like to be there when she passed. It's the blog post that I just can't write... not yet, at least.

On another note, Violet and Cameron are getting SO BIG! I'm not sure how much they weigh right now, but I do know Cam has more than a couple of pounds on Violet. He is SUCH a goofball these days. I thought he would always be a sweet and sensitive little angel... I was wrong. I can't believe what a beast he's become! He has this laugh/cough/scream that he does to impress people. It's hilarious and ridiculous. He throws tantrums, sleeps it off and then wakes up with the biggest, cutest smile in the world. I can't believe how big he is and how much he's grown developmentally. He grabs things constantly and really studies them as he's playing. Cameron's way of transportation is rolling. He'll start at one end of the room and 2 minutes later, he's on the other side. We had to put the gate up by the stairs because he would roll right down if we let him. He's much more high maintenance than I imagined him being or than he was when he was an infant, but he's also the cutest and funniest baby I've ever seen. He brings such joy to our hearts and every time I think I couldn't love him more, I see that smile and fall in love all over again.

Miss Violet has also made some major changes. She is such a laid back and calm baby now. It's really incredible. She is sweet and sensitive and just precious. I took a picture of her the other day while holding her baby and sucking her thumb... I honestly don't think she could be any more adorable. At night, when Violet starts to get tired, all I have to do is put her in bed and she starts sucking her thumb and falls asleep (for the whole night, at that!). I think she knows that after a long day, Mommy needs a break. She's a very serious girl... she's a hard one to crack. However, when she does decide that you are worth a smile or laugh, it's well worth the wait because it is so perfect. She's such a curious girl. You can tell that she's really trying to figure things out when she's playing with them or when she's staring at someone. She's our precious little flower and we couldn't love anything more.

We're taking the babies to the doctor in a few weeks so I'll be sure to update everyone on their progress and their weights!

The One Who Doesn't Get Enough Credit

My husband.  He’s the one who doesn’t get enough credit. My husband works hard, works long hours, is  just as tired as I am, and still comes home and immediately grabs a baby. He’s amazing. I know he doesn’t think the same way, but I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. When I was waiting to have the babies in the hospital, Dennis was there sleeping on a couch and waiting on my bed-ridden self for four days straight. When the babies arrived, he shuffled dozens of people in and out of the NICU because he was so proud of our miracles. I’d never seen that look on his face. I knew he was nervous and scared about what was to come, but I could see how much he was beaming at the fact that he had a beautiful daughter and an precious son.

My heart melted (and still does) every time he would talk about them with such pride and their futures with such confidence. I needed that more than anything at the time and he was one of the only people to give it to me. I’ll be forever grateful to him for being there for me, but more importantly, being there for our children.

Every morning, my husband traveled to the hospital to spend even just a half hour with the babies before work. Then, after work, he would try his hardest to get there as early as possible and when the time finally came, for feedings. It was incredible.

I’m still trying to get through each day and night juggling the babies, the thoughts of the birth and NICU experience and the fact that my life has drastically changed. It’s beyond frustrating and I take it out on him. I take it out on him when he gets home at 6:40 instead of 6:15. That 25 minutes feels like an eternity to me and I am so exhausted and DONE that I just want to cry. I take it out on him. He doesn’t deserve it. Ideally, he deserves to come home to a happy wife and two smiling babies—it rarely happens. He takes it all in stride, and gives me space and allows me to take out my frustration on him, but it’s not fair. I know this. I’m going to try much harder to be a better friend, teammate and wife.

We’ve been through a lot together.  We make an awesome team.  I don’t want to ruin that. When I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, he was able to show me a little glimmer. When I wanted to give up, he held my hand and encouraged me. When I don’t have any confidence, he builds me up and supports me like no one ever has.

So, to the one who doesn’t get enough credit: I apologize. I love you with all of my heart. There is no one in the world that I would rather have as the father of our babies. You are an amazing dad. They know it already… I can tell by the way Cameron laughs with you or the way Violet calms down in your arms. We are so lucky to have you.  We know we can all be a lot to handle, but we’re worth it… we promise. Stick around for us, will ya? We love you… and kinda need you.

Yep... Still Miracles

A couple of weeks ago, the babies had their follow up appointments at the children’s hospital. At these appointments (that they will go to every 3 months until they are 2 years old) they see a nurse, a neonatologist, a physical therapist and an occupational therapist. As we made the turn onto 95^th street, I could see the hospital. Automatically, my stomach turned and my eyes filled with tears.  So, as we approached the hospital, I became more and more anxious.

We didn’t have to wait too long… maybe 20 minutes in the lobby. However, from the time we arrived to the time we walked out the door to leave was 3 hours! The babies were crabby as hell and hungry since they refused to take their bottles cold. It was pretty much a nightmare.

The neonatologist said they looked great and he didn’t have any concerns. We were extremely relieved and anxious for pt/ot to come into the room. By the time they did come into the room, both babies had reached their breaking points. It wasn’t pretty. After playing around with both of the babies, they came to the conclusion that they wanted to refer Cameron to early intervention for a couple of reasons. The first reason was that he favors his right side. He sleeps on this side of his head and tends to want to turn this way. The second reason was because he makes fists a lot. He actually barely opened his hands for them, but I knew that he did it often at home. Either way, they referred him and decided to refer Violet, as well, just so she could get into the system. The early intervention coordinator came by last week and set up the appointment for this afternoon.

As much as I know the babies are doing well, it just really sucks that I have a constant anxious feeling about their growth and development. I hate when I’m reminded that they are preemies and that they could have major health or developmental problems.

The physical therapist, developmental therapist and coordinator arrived at noon and right away I was very comfortable with them. They weren’t intimidating or there to just do a job. They were great with the babies and really explained everything they were looking for in great detail. They asked a bunch of questions about each of the babies and the pregnancy and then assessed each baby individually. When they were finished they exchanged a glance and a few quick words and then told me that NEITHER baby qualifies for any early intervention at this time. BOTH of my amazing miracle babies are perfectly on target for their adjusted ages. I couldn’t help but cry as they told me how wonderful they think the babies are doing and how impressed they are with their progress and current ability levels.  I listened as I cried (and made the developmental therapist cry, as well!) all while thanking God to have been blessed with such perfect miracles. It astounds me every single day of their lives how incredible they are, how hard they fought and how proud I am of them.  While I still can’t believe everything happened the way it did… and it still haunts me every night… I’ll never forget how lucky I am to be Violet’s and Cameron’s mommy. I must’ve done something right in my life to deserve these miracles.

The developmental therapist was wonderful and gave me her contact information if I ever have any questions down the road. The road is not finished as they have many milestones to accomplish, but this one was huge. She also recommended the book, “Touchpoints” by Dr. T Berry Brazelton, MD. I just ordered it on Amazon so I’ll let everyone know how that turns out!

Random Little Update

It’s been two weeks since both of my babies have been home. How is it possible that time is now deciding to speed up? The time in the NICU felt like an eternity.  The past two weeks, however, have gone by in a flash.  The babies have adjusted well. They are pretty much on their 3 hour feeding schedule still and behave very well. It wouldn’t matter if they didn’t, though, because everything is perfect with them here. Last night was a little rough because Violet was up from about 1 am to 5 am then 6 am to 10 am. She wasn’t crying hysterically or anything, just very fussy and kept letting out her little screams. Poor little girl had a belly ache. Cameron was also wide awake for a few hours in the middle of the night, but he’s such a laid back baby so he just stared at his glowworm until he fell asleep.

They both had their follow up eye exams last week. Violet’s went well and she doesn’t have to go back for a year. Cameron is still in Stage One of ROP (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Retinopathy_of_prematurity) also known as Stevie Wonder disease. Did you know that Stevie Wonder was a preemie? ROP is the cause of his blindness. We aren’t too worried about Cameron since he’s only in Stage One, but we’d like to see some improvement by his next appointment. The doctor said that it doesn’t stay the same and it will get better or worse. We’ll just have to wait and see. Cameron also will be going to a pulmonologist on Thursday to check on his lungs. He’s still on the diuretic so we need to figure out on long he needs to be on it. His breathing seems to be much slower than it was (which I’m assuming is a good thing) and he doesn’t ever really seem to struggle unless he’s refluxing pretty bad or something. All in all, the babies seem to be doing great here at home.

They are so cute that I can’t stand it. Cameron has such big features. His eyes and lips are both huge and so adorable. Violet’s features are delicate and small… strange because she is definitely the feisty one. As I typed those words she let out a blood curdling scream. It lasted a couple of seconds and then she closed her eyes again. Little weirdo.

The babies are getting their “newborn” pictures done this weekend by a friend of ours and we’re so excited for them. We were offered the services from Bella Baby in the NICU, but it just didn’t feel right having their pictures taken there. This way the pictures will be taken at home with someone who loves our babies and has supported us throughout the past 3 months… well throughout this whole baby process! We can’t wait to see how they turn out. A twin photo shoot is going to be so much fun!

The other day one of the mothers that I talked to in the NICU brought her other twin home. As I told Cameron and Violet that he was finally home, I had to choke back tears. I was so happy for her and her family. Only NICU mothers can understand what the experience is like when you have a baby or babies in the hospital. While there have been so many people who have supported and loved us through this, no one will ever know the ups and downs of life in the NICU. We appreciate everyone trying so hard, though. We’ll never forget the love we have been shown… so much that we’re STILL receiving packages in the mail for the babies. There are a lot of good people in this world. 

My due date was on Saturday. It was very strange, but it almost felt good to get it out of the way. That date has been stuck in my head since May 10th... well probably before that since I'm sure I did the exact calculating before the transfer. Either way, it's official, the babies are supposed to be here, now! 

GO, CAM, GO!

Okay. I’m getting close. I’m getting close to not being able to do this anymore. Having Violet home is absolutely amazing. However, my poor little girl is SO incredibly constipated because of the Neosure. The only way we could get her to go is by using a little liquid glycerin suppository. Tonight, I have done everything I can to try to help her out and all I can do is watch her struggle. It’s so sad. Our pediatrician wants to make sure she gains weight at home before he switches to the lower calorie formula… right now we are using the recipe for 24 cals. Violet’s little body does not seem to like this very much. And then there’s the fact that Cameron’s still in the hospital and we aren’t sure when he’s coming home. If all goes well, it should be soon.

Dennis has been sick so he hasn’t been able to really enjoy Violet being home. It sucks because we waited for this time for so long and now he has to wear masks and gloves around her. We know it could be worse, though, and we are so blessed that she is home.

My sweet Cameron will undergo surgery, yet again, tomorrow. He is going to get his hernia repaired. I know it’s a very routine procedure, but that means nothing when it’s your baby. He’s doing very well with his breathing and his feeds. He had his feeding tube pulled yesterday! We are so proud of him! I’m so scared that all of his hard work is going to suffer a setback because of the surgery. I have faith in my strong little boy, though. He’s come so, so far from that 2 lb 10 oz baby. I know he’ll recover… I just hope it’s very fast.

2 days after his surgery he is going to have his carseat challenge. It’s almost time to come home for Cameron! We are so excited and so ready for our family to be complete. Most likely, Cameron will come home on oxygen. I really hate that. I want to take the tape off his chubby, little cheeks and just stare at him. I want him to be able to breathe free and clearly without any help. With that said, again, I know we are lucky. Our babies have overcome every obstacle they were supposed to. All the need to do is continue to work hard. I still feel so guilty that all I do is ask them to be strong and fight. They were and are so little and didn’t deserve any of this. I wish more than anything I could take their pain and their struggles. I would do anything to protect these babies and I so wish I could have. I’m not over delivering early. I don’t think I ever will be. I feel like I owe them the world for what they’ve gone through. I asked them every single day to get big and strong and to fight for their lives. They’ve done so amazingly. I know now that I will never doubt their abilities. If they could do what they’ve done the past few months, then I know they can do absolutely anything. I’m so, so proud to call them my babies… my miracles.

As for Cam’s surgery, I will keep everyone updated. Thank you for all of the care and concern. Violet sometimes sings “Go, Cam, Go!” to the tune of “Go, Cubs, Go!” to pump him up for things. Maybe you could all sing a little bit for Cam tonight and help get my baby through his surgery!!!

2012

Today is the last day of 2012. The day couldn’t have come fast enough for me. During lunch, just now, I asked Dennis how it was possible to have the worst year of your life when the absolute best thing of your life happened during that year? Doesn’t make sense, does it? That’s how it feels, though. I feel, without a doubt that this has been the most physically, mentally, and emotionally draining and painful year for me. And yet, the most amazing thing happened to me during this time and has made my life complete.

Between failed iuis and ivf cycles, painful progesterone, a major scare at 17 weeks pregnant, a surreal and nightmarish stay in the hospital, the birth of our 26 week old twins, and to now-- day 70 in the NICU, I’m not quite sure how we’ve survived through it all. But, we have. I’ve learned so much throughout this year and I’m not sure I can put it all into words. I’ve learned a great deal about myself, my husband, my family, my friends, my babies, strength, courage, love, compassion, pain, heartache, patience, fear, life, death, religion, oxygen, nurses, hospitals, human nature, selfishness, selflessness, odds, chances, routines, determination, the will to live, obstacles and miracles.

2012 will never be one of those “forgotten years” where you can’t really remember exactly what you did or who you were that year. Take for instance the year 2004. I remember bits and pieces from that year, but nothing major stands out. 2012 was the year that changed everything for me. I will never forget it. Part of me wants to forget it… block it out and never recall all of the pain and heartache. But if I forgot 2012, I wouldn’t remember what it was like to see Violet and Cameron when they were EMBRYOS. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to walk back into the bathroom after taking what I thought was a negative pregnancy test and seeing the faintest , little, pink line. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to tell my parents that they were going to have another grandchild… and then telling them that they were going to have TWO. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to see TWO little jumping beans on the ultrasound screen. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to feel my babies moving inside of me… I would do it all again just to feel that one more time. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like when the ultrasound technician confirmed what I already knew—I was carrying my son and my daughter. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to look at my babies for the first time… even though I was terrified, they were the most beautiful things in the world and I wanted nothing more than to take care of them forever. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to touch them for the first time or what it was like to feel their skin against mine when I first got to kangaroo with each of them. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to feel their tiny little hearts beating against my chest. I wouldn’t remember the first time I heard them make a noise and the first time I heard Cameron cry. I wouldn’t remember the first time Violet latched onto my finger. I wouldn’t remember the first time I knew that they were looking right at me. I wouldn’t remember how happy I was when my son came off of the ventilator. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like when Violet took a bottle. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to have them both close to us and each other. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to look at them both at the same time and think about how absolutely beautiful they were. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to know my babies were going to be okay… and that we were all going to make it together. I’d do it all again… just for a second of any of those things. THOSE are the things that have made my life complete. THOSE are the things that will NEVER let me forget this year and what it has given me.

I’m happy to see it leave. I’m welcoming 2013 with open arms. This new year is a fresh start for our family. While we are still dealing with being in the NICU, we know we’re close to our destination. We know it won’t be long now until we have our sweet babies at home where they belong.

Dennis and I know that when we bring the twins home our lives are going to be thrown into disarray, yet again. We’re ready, though. We’re ready for the 3 am feedings, the crying, the hundreds of diapers, the laundry, not leaving the house and the major lack of sleep. We’re looking forward to it. All of that stuff, as non-fun and exciting as they sound, are things we’ve been longing for.  Knowing that each of those things will be met with baby smells, and bath times, and smiles and kisses and cuddles (times two!) only makes us look forward to everything a little more.

On this last day of 2012, I am beyond thankful.  I’m thankful we’ve all made it to see this new year… this new year of hope and laughter and happiness. Tonight at midnight we will be at the hospital ringing in the new year with our future--our babies. We'll be celebrating this new year that brings my babies home to me.  Today, we learned that our sweet princess, Violet, will be coming home on Thursday. We are so happy and excited to bring her home and close this chapter of her life.  Soon, Cameron will follow. Perfection will not be reached until he is home, as well, but we’re getting close… so close I can almost feel it. Get here, 2013… the Sheppards are more than ready. We can handle anything, trust me.