GO, CAM, GO!

Okay. I’m getting close. I’m getting close to not being able to do this anymore. Having Violet home is absolutely amazing. However, my poor little girl is SO incredibly constipated because of the Neosure. The only way we could get her to go is by using a little liquid glycerin suppository. Tonight, I have done everything I can to try to help her out and all I can do is watch her struggle. It’s so sad. Our pediatrician wants to make sure she gains weight at home before he switches to the lower calorie formula… right now we are using the recipe for 24 cals. Violet’s little body does not seem to like this very much. And then there’s the fact that Cameron’s still in the hospital and we aren’t sure when he’s coming home. If all goes well, it should be soon.

Dennis has been sick so he hasn’t been able to really enjoy Violet being home. It sucks because we waited for this time for so long and now he has to wear masks and gloves around her. We know it could be worse, though, and we are so blessed that she is home.

My sweet Cameron will undergo surgery, yet again, tomorrow. He is going to get his hernia repaired. I know it’s a very routine procedure, but that means nothing when it’s your baby. He’s doing very well with his breathing and his feeds. He had his feeding tube pulled yesterday! We are so proud of him! I’m so scared that all of his hard work is going to suffer a setback because of the surgery. I have faith in my strong little boy, though. He’s come so, so far from that 2 lb 10 oz baby. I know he’ll recover… I just hope it’s very fast.

2 days after his surgery he is going to have his carseat challenge. It’s almost time to come home for Cameron! We are so excited and so ready for our family to be complete. Most likely, Cameron will come home on oxygen. I really hate that. I want to take the tape off his chubby, little cheeks and just stare at him. I want him to be able to breathe free and clearly without any help. With that said, again, I know we are lucky. Our babies have overcome every obstacle they were supposed to. All the need to do is continue to work hard. I still feel so guilty that all I do is ask them to be strong and fight. They were and are so little and didn’t deserve any of this. I wish more than anything I could take their pain and their struggles. I would do anything to protect these babies and I so wish I could have. I’m not over delivering early. I don’t think I ever will be. I feel like I owe them the world for what they’ve gone through. I asked them every single day to get big and strong and to fight for their lives. They’ve done so amazingly. I know now that I will never doubt their abilities. If they could do what they’ve done the past few months, then I know they can do absolutely anything. I’m so, so proud to call them my babies… my miracles.

As for Cam’s surgery, I will keep everyone updated. Thank you for all of the care and concern. Violet sometimes sings “Go, Cam, Go!” to the tune of “Go, Cubs, Go!” to pump him up for things. Maybe you could all sing a little bit for Cam tonight and help get my baby through his surgery!!!

Welcome Home, Tutu!

As I type this blog post, I am watching Violet out of the corner of my eye. Actually, I’m stopping in between every other word practically to stare at her. It’s 9:53 pm on January 3, 2013 and it’s a night I will never, ever forget. Tonight is our first night home with our sweet flower. Words will never be able to explain how my heart feels right now. Our night has been filled with hearing her little noises, smelling her head, cuddling her, changing her, feeding her and just simply watching her. She’s not really a peaceful sleeper so as I type I’m watching her and hoping she decides to fall into a deep sleep. She’s so perfect that it’s hard to believe she’s mine… finally, all mine.

Today was hard. I cried for a good part of the day. I cried happy tears and sad tears. While I was overjoyed with leaving the NICU with Violet, my heart was broken since I had to leave our sweet boy there. I think the only thing that made it easier was that Cameron was having a great day! He was taking quite a bit of his feedings by bottle and they switched him to the wall oxygen. This will similar to what he will be coming home on. They’re starting to wean his flow of oxygen so he is prepared to come home on a lesser amount. He did great today. No dsats and no heart rate drops. I spent the day holding and feeding him only since I knew I had to leave him and Violet would be getting plenty of attention from then on. He was so adorable today. He was very awake and wanting to hang out with me. It was a great day with him. I can’t wait to get that little butterball home so I could kiss those chubby cheeks whenever I want!

As we wheeled Violet’s crib out of the NICU, I was overcome with emotions. I couldn’t believe we were walking through the doors of the hospital with my baby.  I sat in the back seat with her on the way home (which seriously felt like it took 4 hours) and listened to her make her little noises the entire way home. Dennis kept asking if she was okay and if she was breathing. Needless to say, she was breathing.

When we came home there was purple crepe paper and a big poster that said “Welcome Home, Tutu”. It also had her weight on there. It was a nice surprise. When we walked into the house with her, there were purple balloons and crepe paper everywhere. There was also some flowers and cupcakes on our table. My sister had come over and decorated for us and Violet. It was so sweet and made me feel like I was really bringing home my baby.

Every year, on January 3rd, we will celebrate Violet's homecoming day. Dennis and I decided that every year this day will be HER special day. She can choose whatever we do and who does it with us. Whether she wants to go ice skating downtown or go to a special restaurant... whatever she wants to do, we will make it happen. The same goes for Cameron when he gets his homecoming day. Since they will be sharing birthday parties, we figured this is a great way to celebrate them individually. It's the least we can do for all these babies have been through!

The night has gone very smoothly so far… hence, the reason I’m able to blog! We’ve made it through two diaper changes and two feedings (one with vitamins!). So far, I’m pretty sure we’re the best parents ever :-). Violet is being the sweetest, most perfect angel that you could ever imagine and we’re bsolutely loving this. When we first brought her home I just sat on the couch and cuddled with her. She would NOT close her eyes for anything. She was staring at everything and listening to everything. I honestly think she knew she was somewhere else. She was a little unsure, but as I look at her in her rock-n-play,  I know that she feels at ease… she feels at home. After all, there’s no place like home.

2012

Today is the last day of 2012. The day couldn’t have come fast enough for me. During lunch, just now, I asked Dennis how it was possible to have the worst year of your life when the absolute best thing of your life happened during that year? Doesn’t make sense, does it? That’s how it feels, though. I feel, without a doubt that this has been the most physically, mentally, and emotionally draining and painful year for me. And yet, the most amazing thing happened to me during this time and has made my life complete.

Between failed iuis and ivf cycles, painful progesterone, a major scare at 17 weeks pregnant, a surreal and nightmarish stay in the hospital, the birth of our 26 week old twins, and to now-- day 70 in the NICU, I’m not quite sure how we’ve survived through it all. But, we have. I’ve learned so much throughout this year and I’m not sure I can put it all into words. I’ve learned a great deal about myself, my husband, my family, my friends, my babies, strength, courage, love, compassion, pain, heartache, patience, fear, life, death, religion, oxygen, nurses, hospitals, human nature, selfishness, selflessness, odds, chances, routines, determination, the will to live, obstacles and miracles.

2012 will never be one of those “forgotten years” where you can’t really remember exactly what you did or who you were that year. Take for instance the year 2004. I remember bits and pieces from that year, but nothing major stands out. 2012 was the year that changed everything for me. I will never forget it. Part of me wants to forget it… block it out and never recall all of the pain and heartache. But if I forgot 2012, I wouldn’t remember what it was like to see Violet and Cameron when they were EMBRYOS. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to walk back into the bathroom after taking what I thought was a negative pregnancy test and seeing the faintest , little, pink line. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to tell my parents that they were going to have another grandchild… and then telling them that they were going to have TWO. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to see TWO little jumping beans on the ultrasound screen. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to feel my babies moving inside of me… I would do it all again just to feel that one more time. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like when the ultrasound technician confirmed what I already knew—I was carrying my son and my daughter. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to look at my babies for the first time… even though I was terrified, they were the most beautiful things in the world and I wanted nothing more than to take care of them forever. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to touch them for the first time or what it was like to feel their skin against mine when I first got to kangaroo with each of them. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to feel their tiny little hearts beating against my chest. I wouldn’t remember the first time I heard them make a noise and the first time I heard Cameron cry. I wouldn’t remember the first time Violet latched onto my finger. I wouldn’t remember the first time I knew that they were looking right at me. I wouldn’t remember how happy I was when my son came off of the ventilator. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like when Violet took a bottle. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to have them both close to us and each other. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to look at them both at the same time and think about how absolutely beautiful they were. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to know my babies were going to be okay… and that we were all going to make it together. I’d do it all again… just for a second of any of those things. THOSE are the things that have made my life complete. THOSE are the things that will NEVER let me forget this year and what it has given me.

I’m happy to see it leave. I’m welcoming 2013 with open arms. This new year is a fresh start for our family. While we are still dealing with being in the NICU, we know we’re close to our destination. We know it won’t be long now until we have our sweet babies at home where they belong.

Dennis and I know that when we bring the twins home our lives are going to be thrown into disarray, yet again. We’re ready, though. We’re ready for the 3 am feedings, the crying, the hundreds of diapers, the laundry, not leaving the house and the major lack of sleep. We’re looking forward to it. All of that stuff, as non-fun and exciting as they sound, are things we’ve been longing for.  Knowing that each of those things will be met with baby smells, and bath times, and smiles and kisses and cuddles (times two!) only makes us look forward to everything a little more.

On this last day of 2012, I am beyond thankful.  I’m thankful we’ve all made it to see this new year… this new year of hope and laughter and happiness. Tonight at midnight we will be at the hospital ringing in the new year with our future--our babies. We'll be celebrating this new year that brings my babies home to me.  Today, we learned that our sweet princess, Violet, will be coming home on Thursday. We are so happy and excited to bring her home and close this chapter of her life.  Soon, Cameron will follow. Perfection will not be reached until he is home, as well, but we’re getting close… so close I can almost feel it. Get here, 2013… the Sheppards are more than ready. We can handle anything, trust me.