The Blog Post I Just Can't Write

It has certainly been a while! Honestly, I have no time to sit and gather my thoughts these days. I wish I did and hope that I will be able to blog on a regular basis someday soon! As for now...

a few people have asked me if I'm going to blog about the death of my Grammy or about her in general. I've tried a couple of times. I can't. I really feel like my words will not do her justice. My writing cannot express what a beautiful person she was. Words cannot describe what it was like to be there when she passed. It's the blog post that I just can't write... not yet, at least.

On another note, Violet and Cameron are getting SO BIG! I'm not sure how much they weigh right now, but I do know Cam has more than a couple of pounds on Violet. He is SUCH a goofball these days. I thought he would always be a sweet and sensitive little angel... I was wrong. I can't believe what a beast he's become! He has this laugh/cough/scream that he does to impress people. It's hilarious and ridiculous. He throws tantrums, sleeps it off and then wakes up with the biggest, cutest smile in the world. I can't believe how big he is and how much he's grown developmentally. He grabs things constantly and really studies them as he's playing. Cameron's way of transportation is rolling. He'll start at one end of the room and 2 minutes later, he's on the other side. We had to put the gate up by the stairs because he would roll right down if we let him. He's much more high maintenance than I imagined him being or than he was when he was an infant, but he's also the cutest and funniest baby I've ever seen. He brings such joy to our hearts and every time I think I couldn't love him more, I see that smile and fall in love all over again.

Miss Violet has also made some major changes. She is such a laid back and calm baby now. It's really incredible. She is sweet and sensitive and just precious. I took a picture of her the other day while holding her baby and sucking her thumb... I honestly don't think she could be any more adorable. At night, when Violet starts to get tired, all I have to do is put her in bed and she starts sucking her thumb and falls asleep (for the whole night, at that!). I think she knows that after a long day, Mommy needs a break. She's a very serious girl... she's a hard one to crack. However, when she does decide that you are worth a smile or laugh, it's well worth the wait because it is so perfect. She's such a curious girl. You can tell that she's really trying to figure things out when she's playing with them or when she's staring at someone. She's our precious little flower and we couldn't love anything more.

We're taking the babies to the doctor in a few weeks so I'll be sure to update everyone on their progress and their weights!

Ohana

I love my family. I love us because we stand up for ourselves and each other. I love us because we are strong. I love us because we are bossy. I love us because we talk over each other and think we’re right all of the time. I love us because we know how to have fun. I love us because we appreciate each other and all that we have been blessed with. I love us because we can laugh together and cry together. I love us because we're alike. I love us because we are different. Most of all, though, I think what I love the most is the fact that the SECOND someone calls to say something is wrong or someone needs help, we are all of a sudden in our cars driving to  the person who needs us. We love each other. We’re there for each other no matter what. I have been so blessed with such a strong, loving and supportive family. We wouldn’t make it without each other and we know that. It doesn’t matter if we have differences or little arguments or disagreements here and there. What matters is that we are family and family means no one gets left behind. Thank God for my family.

First Mother's Day

My first Mother’s Day was perfect. I woke up to TWO happy, smiling babies babbling in their room and waiting to be picked up. My heart melts every morning when I go into their room because they get so happy to see me. It’s so adorably precious.

After we fed the babies, Dennis gave me my gift from him and then one from Cam and Violet. From Dennis, I received two Pandora charms—since October has two birth stones, he got one of each for the babies. Then, he gave me my gift from Cameron and Violet and it couldn’t have been more perfect. It was a 3 picture frame. In the middle was a collage of the babies and on each side their handprints. It’s already hanging in the bedroom so I can see it before I go to sleep and when I wake up. He really did a great job for my first Mother’s Day.

We went to my sister’s for the day (sorry you were so sick, Amy!) and had a nice time.  It’s amazing to watch our family grow and by the end of this coming October it will grow even more. I can’t wait to meet my new niece or nephew, but I already warned him or her that coming out at 26 weeks is just unacceptable.

So many times throughout this day, I would just look at the babies and my eyes would fill up with tears. I’m such a lucky woman to have been blessed with Violet and Cameron. I wouldn’t be half the mom I am if I didn’t give credit to my awesome mom. My mom has done nothing but work hard her whole life both inside and outside of the home to give us everything we could’ve ever needed or wanted. She’s caring, loving, hardworking, patient, selfless and just plain awesome. Not only would I have no idea how to be a mother without her, but I honestly have no idea how I would’ve made it through the past year without her. When we were trying to get pregnant, when I was pregnant, when I was in the hospital, throughout our hospital stay, and now that they are home, she has been here for me every single step of the way. I’ve tried to tell her how much I appreciate her for it, but I don’t think she’ll ever really understand the depth of my gratitude.

To all the moms out there-thanks for warning me about how tough this would be… oh, wait… you didn’t really. Haha. God bless every single hardworking and loving mom out there. It truly is the toughest job in the world, but also the more rewarding.

To all the moms-to-be—it’s no joke. This shit is real and it’s crazy and it’s hard. No one is kidding about it. They aren’t exaggerating. Best of luck with this amazing experience… it’s worth it. And you will thank God for every single second with your angel.

To all of the hopeful mommies-to-be- I’ve been there. It sucks. It’s painful and sad and disappointing. But if and when it happens, as soon as you see your baby on your first ultrasound you will no longer be angry that you had to struggle. You will appreciate everything so very much and you will be a better mommy because of it.

Love to all of you wonderful women.

The One Who Doesn't Get Enough Credit

My husband.  He’s the one who doesn’t get enough credit. My husband works hard, works long hours, is  just as tired as I am, and still comes home and immediately grabs a baby. He’s amazing. I know he doesn’t think the same way, but I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. When I was waiting to have the babies in the hospital, Dennis was there sleeping on a couch and waiting on my bed-ridden self for four days straight. When the babies arrived, he shuffled dozens of people in and out of the NICU because he was so proud of our miracles. I’d never seen that look on his face. I knew he was nervous and scared about what was to come, but I could see how much he was beaming at the fact that he had a beautiful daughter and an precious son.

My heart melted (and still does) every time he would talk about them with such pride and their futures with such confidence. I needed that more than anything at the time and he was one of the only people to give it to me. I’ll be forever grateful to him for being there for me, but more importantly, being there for our children.

Every morning, my husband traveled to the hospital to spend even just a half hour with the babies before work. Then, after work, he would try his hardest to get there as early as possible and when the time finally came, for feedings. It was incredible.

I’m still trying to get through each day and night juggling the babies, the thoughts of the birth and NICU experience and the fact that my life has drastically changed. It’s beyond frustrating and I take it out on him. I take it out on him when he gets home at 6:40 instead of 6:15. That 25 minutes feels like an eternity to me and I am so exhausted and DONE that I just want to cry. I take it out on him. He doesn’t deserve it. Ideally, he deserves to come home to a happy wife and two smiling babies—it rarely happens. He takes it all in stride, and gives me space and allows me to take out my frustration on him, but it’s not fair. I know this. I’m going to try much harder to be a better friend, teammate and wife.

We’ve been through a lot together.  We make an awesome team.  I don’t want to ruin that. When I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, he was able to show me a little glimmer. When I wanted to give up, he held my hand and encouraged me. When I don’t have any confidence, he builds me up and supports me like no one ever has.

So, to the one who doesn’t get enough credit: I apologize. I love you with all of my heart. There is no one in the world that I would rather have as the father of our babies. You are an amazing dad. They know it already… I can tell by the way Cameron laughs with you or the way Violet calms down in your arms. We are so lucky to have you.  We know we can all be a lot to handle, but we’re worth it… we promise. Stick around for us, will ya? We love you… and kinda need you.

Hope for a Better Tomorrow

On my birthday this past year, I sat in the NICU holding my babies and watching them sleep. I was holding Cameron when the nurse came in to tell me that there had been a school shooting. My sister was also texting me the same thing. It was December 14, 2012.

As the details started to come in, I remember crying as I held Cameron in my arms, listened to Violet make her soft little noises, and stared at the picture of Jaxon that was hanging in Cam’s crib. Their beautiful  faces were so innocent and so unknowing of hate, evil and tragedy. I wondered how we could possibly raise children in such a scary world. I wondered how I could ever let go of their hands when it’s time for them to go to school. I wondered how, when the day comes, I will let them go to a friend’s house or on vacation without me or to a sporting event or anywhere without me. Who would protect them? How would I know they would be okay? My mind was spinning and my heart was aching for those parents that held their babies 5 or 6 short years ago the same way I was holding mine and now they were going to have to bury them. I couldn’t imagine… I wouldn’t imagine.

Then, after the bombings in Boston yesterday, the same thoughts flooded my mind. All of these people—families, friends, spouses… all there to accomplish a goal or to support a goal. People who left their houses or hotel rooms not thinking for a second that tragedy would strike and the goals for themselves or loved ones would forever be changed. It’s heartbreaking. It’s terrifying. It’s our reality.

So, how do I raise my kids in this world… this “reality” that we are faced with now?  My mind automatically goes into protection mode. How can I keep them safe? When I calm down and become more realistic, though, I realize that they answer isn’t how to protect my children. The answer to raising kids in this world is to raise them to be good people. We need to raise our kids to be the better in the world… to be the good… to be able to CHANGE the world for the better. Of course, I can’t sit with Cameron in his Kindergarten classroom to make sure no one is mean to him.  And I certainly can’t keep Violet’s first boyfriend from breaking her heart. The same way I can’t possibly keep horrible things from happening to them. I’m not going to keep them from school and school events or Cub games or the zoo or the city because I’m terrified something bad will happen. I will not deprive them of life’s experiences because tragic things happen sometimes. That’s not fair to them and that will not allow them to obtain the experiences they need to become well-rounded and intelligent individuals. I want them to appreciate diversity and be accepting and loving people. You don’t become this way by hiding from the world. You become this way by loving the world and the people that live in it. I don’t want them to fear the beautiful world we have.

I don’t want them to be naïve or ignorant about the world, though. Understanding that there are mean people or people who need help is essential for their intellectual and emotional growth. I don’t want them to think revenge or retaliation is always the answer, but rather, justice. I want them to look at the heroes, the helpers, the GOOD people and know that THESE are the people that we believe in. These are the people that enable the human race to survive. These are the majority. I don’t want them to be scared, just aware. I don’t want them to be unwilling, just cautious. I want them to know the difference between anger and hate and right and wrong. I don’t know exactly how to do all of this. I guess the best way I can think of is to lead by example.  Again, I’m not exactly sure how to do this. But, I am sure that I will teach them to love and stand up for what they believe in.  If everyone would just spread a message of peace maybe we’d see less tragedy. If people would stop caring who married who or what gods we pray to, maybe we’d see a little less hate. Not maybe—I know we would.

We should all be a little more like my innocent babies. They aren’t jaded. Cameron has been sick for almost a week now and still every morning he wakes up with a huge smile on his face. No matter how pissed off Violet is, I can show her the colorful mobile my mom made for her and she can’t resist smiling. Let’s be happy. Let’s love each other. More importantly, let’s teach our children to do so in hopes that the future of our world has a chance of survival… peaceful survival.

The Adroable Sheppard Twins

Ohhhh hey! Remember me? I used to blog every now and again. This was all before the twins came home and the “honeymoon” ended. Things have been crazy, to say the least, and I have had zero time to blog. I actually started an entry like 2 weeks ago and was never able to finish. Yes, things have been crazy.

First and foremost, the babies are doing exceptionally well. Both of the babies are gaining plenty of weight: Cam weighs 9 lbs 10 oz and Violet weighs 8 lbs 10 oz. They are growing like crazy and already out of their newborn clothes. It was bittersweet taking all of those adorable outfits out of their drawers. On the one hand, I am beyond thrilled that my babies are getting big and strong just as they should be. On the other hand, my babies are getting big!!! It seemed like our time in the NICU crawled by and now this time is flying. Go figure.

As I mentioned, the honeymoon is definitely over. Violet has been screaming her head off anywhere from 5pm-12am on a nightly basis. It’s been rough. The poor little girl looks like she’s in so much pain sometimes and nothing calms her down. I can tell when she is just in the groove and screams because she wants to and I can tell when she is seriously not feeling good. Most of the time, at night, she’s not feeling very good. When we went to the doctor the other day, we asked if we could take her off of the Neosure since we thought maybe this was adding to her discomfort. The doctor said he was fine with that considering she’s gaining weight and everything else is fine. It’s been two nights on Enfamil and it has been much better. Who knows if it’s directly related to the change, but the screaming has lessened a TON. I can’t even begin to tell you how relieved that makes me feel. The worst feeling in the world (and I know it all too well) is not being able to “take care” of your baby. It’s heartbreaking to watch them go through something you have no control over. I thought maybe since we had that experience in the NICU, I really wouldn’t have to deal with it much at home. I was, of course, wrong. Every mother goes through this… I’m sure for the rest of her life. You want so bad to make everything better for them and take all of their pain away and you know that you can’t do it. Motherhood…

Luckily, Cameron is a very happy baby. Sure, he has his moments where he’s upset or uncomfortable, but for the most part this kid is a dream! He’s such a good boy while Violet gets all the attention sometimes. Another heartbreaking part of motherhood: being able to give each baby the exact amount of attention all the time. It’s impossible. I’m learning so much as I go along, but one of the most significant things is that I cannot control everything. I’ve learned to take a lot of deep breaths and take things as they come. And as those things come, I handle them the best way I know how and the best way I’m capable.

Please don’t think I’m complaining. Every time, I get frustrated with Violet’s screaming or feel like collapsing from exhaustion, I get a huge wave of guilt. I feel like I’m not allowed to feel those things because I’m just lucky to have my babies home. I mean, as of now, if our only issue is Violet being a colicky baby after having these babies at 26 weeks, how can I complain? The fact is, I’m not complaining, but I am human. It IS frustrating to deal with a screaming baby for hours and it DOES take its toll on a person when you aren’t getting any sleep at night. I’m doing the best I can. I tell the babies that all the time. I hope they know how hard I’m trying and how much I love them. There is nothing in the world I’d rather be doing and nowhere in the world I’d rather be than with them. The moments where Violet is happy and Cameron is smiling make every single second of screaming so worth it. Violet is really started to watch everything I do now. When I get up and walk away she watches. It’s so precious. Cameron is starting to focus more when we are talking to him or playing with him. I love watching them grow and progress and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

I can’t believe we’ve reached a point where I finally feel pretty relieved about their health. I know that they may have obstacles to overcome in the future, but I’m not worried. These babies are so strong and amazing that I have nothing but faith in them. Every day, they remind me that miracles happen. When I feel like breaking down because of other things in my life, I just have to look at them and I instantly feel a sense of comfort. They are a constant reminder that anything is possible in life.

I still relive my few days in the hospital every single night. I’m not sure how normal that is. Some nights I cry about it a little and some nights a lot. I’m still not okay with it. I wonder if I ever will be. I still feel the guilt and the fear. I still feel the pain and the anxiety. I still see the doctors talking to me. I still feel the discomfort of the delivery bed. I still remember thinking I just wanted it all to end. I hope some of it goes away. I hate reliving it all the time, but it’s like I can’t control it. It just happens. I lay down or I’m looking at them and all of a sudden my brain becomes flooded with the thoughts and my heart with the emotions. It’s strange.

I’m a lucky girl to have such beautiful and amazing babies. That’s something I know I’ll never forget. By the way, they are the cutest things that ever lived.