I Still Have All of my Grandparents

                When our old dog, Muffy, became old and sick, my parents made the tough decision to put her down. Muffy started to avoid us, it was hard for her to get around, go to the bathroom, etc. She was in pain and we knew it. When our second family dog, Dixie, became ill with cancer, it didn’t take long for her to get lethargic. We could tell she was in pain and it was becoming hard for her to breathe. My mom knew it was time to send her to a better place so she would be at peace. We love our animals so much that instead of watching them suffer, we have a way to gently put them to sleep forever. We are able to give them a quiet, easy, painless send off to doggy heaven. While it’s not easy to do, it’s certainly easier than watching that poor, helpless animal suffer.

                Why then, do we, as humans, not have the option to gently be sent to our final resting place? Why are we forced to watch our loved ones suffer?  When we KNOW it’s someone’s time to go, but his body just isn’t letting him, why is it wrong to want to end their suffering? Why isn’t there a way to just make a slow and painful transition a little easier? It’s not fair.

                I’ve never had someone close to me die. I’m 31 years old and I STILL have all of my grandparents here on Earth.  That was probably the last time I will be able to say that, though. I’ve had 31 years of love with my beautiful Grammy, but it just hasn’t been enough. Some people are just too amazing to leave this world. She’s one of those people. One of the worst parts of her impending death is watching and waiting for her to pass. None of us want her to go, but none of us want her to suffer anymore. She has been trapped in her body for about 7 years now suffering from dementia and all we want is for her to be able to laugh and smile again.

                We thought we were going to lose Grammy last week, but our sweet angel has held on for almost a week now. We think she just loves us so much she doesn’t want to leave! While these past few days have been some of the most painful of my life, there are beautiful moments blended in, as well. I’m not going to go into detail about the amazing and incredible moments our family has shared with Grammy this past week because they are moments meant just for us, but I will say that we will treasure them forever and we know that Grammy is loving every second of these beautiful moments. Our family might not do things traditionally, but we know how to have fun, how to laugh, and how to love. Grammy wouldn’t want us to be doing things any other way. The one moment that I will share is one that I will hold near to my heart forever and ever. As I held Grammy’s hand and cried, I asked her if she would watch over my babies. She popped her eyes open, stared at me and squeezed my hand. It was one of the most precious moments of my life and I knew that she would always be Cameron’s and Violet’s special angel.

                This is awful… painful… and horribly, horribly sad. Grammy doesn’t deserve this. Our family doesn’t deserve this. No good person deserves something like this. The world works in mysterious ways. I wish I understood why certain people get sick or why people have to suffer.  I just have to remember and believe that a sweet soul never dies. She will live on somewhere beautiful and perfect and peaceful.  She will live on in our hearts and memories until we are able to see her again in that perfect, peaceful place.

Ohana

I love my family. I love us because we stand up for ourselves and each other. I love us because we are strong. I love us because we are bossy. I love us because we talk over each other and think we’re right all of the time. I love us because we know how to have fun. I love us because we appreciate each other and all that we have been blessed with. I love us because we can laugh together and cry together. I love us because we're alike. I love us because we are different. Most of all, though, I think what I love the most is the fact that the SECOND someone calls to say something is wrong or someone needs help, we are all of a sudden in our cars driving to  the person who needs us. We love each other. We’re there for each other no matter what. I have been so blessed with such a strong, loving and supportive family. We wouldn’t make it without each other and we know that. It doesn’t matter if we have differences or little arguments or disagreements here and there. What matters is that we are family and family means no one gets left behind. Thank God for my family.

All You Need is Love

I’m not sure why things happen as they do. I used to firmly believe that things happened for some type of reason whether that reason be good, bad, important, insignificant, etc. I believed that there was some rhyme or reason to all things. I’ve changed my mind. I’m not sure whether my family and I were just lucky for the first 24 years of my life or what, but we’ve adapted to a new “normal”.

We used to be able to tell each other that everything would be okay. It’s hard to say that now. Not because we don’t want things to be okay, but simply because we’re unsure. We never expected our beautiful, sweet and young Grammy to be stricken with a form of dementia that has taken her from us. We never expected cancer to hit our family so hard. We never expected to have depression and anxiety take over our loved ones’ lives. We never expected loved ones to lose jobs and have to worry about money. God knows we didn’t expect the twins to come 3 months early and be in intensive care.

So, one might say you have to expect the unexpected or to be thankful for the things you DO have. Those are simply words. Words that don’t mean anything when you’re in the thick of it. Or so it seems. Sure, people try to encourage, sympathize or comfort or offer help, but nothing actually helps. They know this and we know this. You know when you’re on the opposite end of things and things are shitty for someone else. You know that your words don’t “help”.

Yet, those words… that comfort… the offers… they are important. People going through tough times need those words even though they don’t really “help”. I’m not sure what they do. They do something. Maybe they remind us that life doesn’t stop for our problems whether they are big or small. Maybe the words are there so our brains try to FEEL better or convince us that we can get through something. Maybe we need those words because we need to remember that in spite of all the crap we go through, there’s love around us.

I know it sounds a little corny (I hate that word), but I think there’s some truth to it. The only thing that wakes us up in the morning sometimes is the love we have for others. If I didn’t love the babies so much, I wouldn’t be able to do this. If my Papa didn’t love my Grammy so much, he wouldn’t be able to drag himself out of bed. If my family didn’t love and support each other, some of us might have given up. But, there’s something that drives us to do what we need to do. It’s not the feeling that we HAVE to do it. It’s not the feeling of WANTING to do it necessarily. It’s more than that.

I’m not sure what I’m rambling about, but I felt the need to ramble. I think that too often we take for granted the love we have for others and the love they have for us. I guess it’s important to always remember that no matter how shitty things are, that love exists. It may be the only thing that allows us to fight through the tough times. I know my family feels like we’re all running on empty right now… I couldn’t agree more. I also know we can all keep going, though… Because we love each other. All you need is love, right?