The Blog Post I Just Can't Write

It has certainly been a while! Honestly, I have no time to sit and gather my thoughts these days. I wish I did and hope that I will be able to blog on a regular basis someday soon! As for now...

a few people have asked me if I'm going to blog about the death of my Grammy or about her in general. I've tried a couple of times. I can't. I really feel like my words will not do her justice. My writing cannot express what a beautiful person she was. Words cannot describe what it was like to be there when she passed. It's the blog post that I just can't write... not yet, at least.

On another note, Violet and Cameron are getting SO BIG! I'm not sure how much they weigh right now, but I do know Cam has more than a couple of pounds on Violet. He is SUCH a goofball these days. I thought he would always be a sweet and sensitive little angel... I was wrong. I can't believe what a beast he's become! He has this laugh/cough/scream that he does to impress people. It's hilarious and ridiculous. He throws tantrums, sleeps it off and then wakes up with the biggest, cutest smile in the world. I can't believe how big he is and how much he's grown developmentally. He grabs things constantly and really studies them as he's playing. Cameron's way of transportation is rolling. He'll start at one end of the room and 2 minutes later, he's on the other side. We had to put the gate up by the stairs because he would roll right down if we let him. He's much more high maintenance than I imagined him being or than he was when he was an infant, but he's also the cutest and funniest baby I've ever seen. He brings such joy to our hearts and every time I think I couldn't love him more, I see that smile and fall in love all over again.

Miss Violet has also made some major changes. She is such a laid back and calm baby now. It's really incredible. She is sweet and sensitive and just precious. I took a picture of her the other day while holding her baby and sucking her thumb... I honestly don't think she could be any more adorable. At night, when Violet starts to get tired, all I have to do is put her in bed and she starts sucking her thumb and falls asleep (for the whole night, at that!). I think she knows that after a long day, Mommy needs a break. She's a very serious girl... she's a hard one to crack. However, when she does decide that you are worth a smile or laugh, it's well worth the wait because it is so perfect. She's such a curious girl. You can tell that she's really trying to figure things out when she's playing with them or when she's staring at someone. She's our precious little flower and we couldn't love anything more.

We're taking the babies to the doctor in a few weeks so I'll be sure to update everyone on their progress and their weights!

Violet and Cameron Update!

I had a nightmare last night that I woke up and the babies' feeding tubes were back in. I woke up and wanted to throw up. I just can't escape thoughts of the whole experience. I feel like it still just tortures me. I guess I've just never experienced something traumatic like this. Still, not a day goes by where I don't think of the days I was waiting for them to be born in the hospital, the day they were born and random NICU days or nights. Ugh. Why can't I just start to put it in the past?

The babies are so awesome. We are so incredibly blessed. Violet's colic has eased up a HUGE deal. When she screams at night it's mainly a "bored" scream instead of a "painful" scream. She's such a happy baby in the morning and throughout the day... it's even carrying into the night sometimes. She's getting cuter and cuter everyday. Her smile just melts my heart. That girl is going to be a heartbreaker... and a toughie. I definitely don't see her being a girlie girl. She's feisty.

Cameron is the happiest baby in the world. He laughs at everything. Even when he's getting upset about something, I can make a funny noise or funny face and he just HAS to smile or laugh. It is the cutest thing I've ever seen. He talks and talks and talks in the mornings. It's one of my favorite things. His one eye no longer wanders anymore. I was a little concerned with it a few weeks ago because he just wasn't focusing, but now he focuses on everything! Every time I move their little eyes follow me.They are both getting so big.They are in 3 month clothes... some 0-3 month, but those are fading fast.

Easter is coming up soon and I'm so excited to dress them up and take them to their first real holiday. Since flu season will practically be over, we are venturing out to my grandparents' house with the babies. I bought Violet a bright yellow dress with white tights and a white bonnet. The bonnet is definitely for my Grammy and my mom. It wouldn't be Easter if the baby girl wasn't wearing a bonnet! Cam is going to wear khakis and an aqua polo with some yellow in it. They are going to be so cute. I can't wait to get them little Easter baskets.

While the babies are amazing and perfect, this time has been rough. My husband and I barely talk. We don't have time! When he walks in the door, he grabs a baby and then we are working for the night. For some reason, evening is definitely the babies' awake/crazy time. They are very needy at night. However, we've started trying to get them into bed between 9-10 every night even if they are a little awake still. It's going alright... better than I expected. They are waking up about twice a night... sometimes more, but they've been going longer without needing a bottle. Hopefully this continues to improve so Dennis and I can finally get some sleep. To those people who say they kept their twins on a schedule... I seriously don't believe them. It was impossible after the first couple weeks of having them both home. They want to eat and sleep and play at different times nearly every day.

They still sleep next to me in their rock n' plays (which I highly recommend them to any new mommy!), but today I am getting them the little inclined positioners for their cribs. I think I'm going to start putting them in there slowly, but surely. Part of me wants to throw up when I think about that, but the other part feels a sense of relief that I'm able to think about doing that. I should sleep better with them in the other room... at least after a while. At first I'll probably sneak in there every 15 minutes or so just to look at them. My mom recently said she would take one of them for the night to help us get some sleep, but I'm just not ready for that, yet. I spent way too many nights away from these precious angels. While I do need breaks from them (as all mommys do), the breaks can't be too long because I start to get way too anxious.

I can't believe they let me finish this all in one sitting! Cam is starting to stir though... he must miss his mama!

2012

Today is the last day of 2012. The day couldn’t have come fast enough for me. During lunch, just now, I asked Dennis how it was possible to have the worst year of your life when the absolute best thing of your life happened during that year? Doesn’t make sense, does it? That’s how it feels, though. I feel, without a doubt that this has been the most physically, mentally, and emotionally draining and painful year for me. And yet, the most amazing thing happened to me during this time and has made my life complete.

Between failed iuis and ivf cycles, painful progesterone, a major scare at 17 weeks pregnant, a surreal and nightmarish stay in the hospital, the birth of our 26 week old twins, and to now-- day 70 in the NICU, I’m not quite sure how we’ve survived through it all. But, we have. I’ve learned so much throughout this year and I’m not sure I can put it all into words. I’ve learned a great deal about myself, my husband, my family, my friends, my babies, strength, courage, love, compassion, pain, heartache, patience, fear, life, death, religion, oxygen, nurses, hospitals, human nature, selfishness, selflessness, odds, chances, routines, determination, the will to live, obstacles and miracles.

2012 will never be one of those “forgotten years” where you can’t really remember exactly what you did or who you were that year. Take for instance the year 2004. I remember bits and pieces from that year, but nothing major stands out. 2012 was the year that changed everything for me. I will never forget it. Part of me wants to forget it… block it out and never recall all of the pain and heartache. But if I forgot 2012, I wouldn’t remember what it was like to see Violet and Cameron when they were EMBRYOS. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to walk back into the bathroom after taking what I thought was a negative pregnancy test and seeing the faintest , little, pink line. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to tell my parents that they were going to have another grandchild… and then telling them that they were going to have TWO. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to see TWO little jumping beans on the ultrasound screen. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to feel my babies moving inside of me… I would do it all again just to feel that one more time. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like when the ultrasound technician confirmed what I already knew—I was carrying my son and my daughter. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to look at my babies for the first time… even though I was terrified, they were the most beautiful things in the world and I wanted nothing more than to take care of them forever. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to touch them for the first time or what it was like to feel their skin against mine when I first got to kangaroo with each of them. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to feel their tiny little hearts beating against my chest. I wouldn’t remember the first time I heard them make a noise and the first time I heard Cameron cry. I wouldn’t remember the first time Violet latched onto my finger. I wouldn’t remember the first time I knew that they were looking right at me. I wouldn’t remember how happy I was when my son came off of the ventilator. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like when Violet took a bottle. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to have them both close to us and each other. I wouldn’t remember what it was like to look at them both at the same time and think about how absolutely beautiful they were. I wouldn’t remember what it felt like to know my babies were going to be okay… and that we were all going to make it together. I’d do it all again… just for a second of any of those things. THOSE are the things that have made my life complete. THOSE are the things that will NEVER let me forget this year and what it has given me.

I’m happy to see it leave. I’m welcoming 2013 with open arms. This new year is a fresh start for our family. While we are still dealing with being in the NICU, we know we’re close to our destination. We know it won’t be long now until we have our sweet babies at home where they belong.

Dennis and I know that when we bring the twins home our lives are going to be thrown into disarray, yet again. We’re ready, though. We’re ready for the 3 am feedings, the crying, the hundreds of diapers, the laundry, not leaving the house and the major lack of sleep. We’re looking forward to it. All of that stuff, as non-fun and exciting as they sound, are things we’ve been longing for.  Knowing that each of those things will be met with baby smells, and bath times, and smiles and kisses and cuddles (times two!) only makes us look forward to everything a little more.

On this last day of 2012, I am beyond thankful.  I’m thankful we’ve all made it to see this new year… this new year of hope and laughter and happiness. Tonight at midnight we will be at the hospital ringing in the new year with our future--our babies. We'll be celebrating this new year that brings my babies home to me.  Today, we learned that our sweet princess, Violet, will be coming home on Thursday. We are so happy and excited to bring her home and close this chapter of her life.  Soon, Cameron will follow. Perfection will not be reached until he is home, as well, but we’re getting close… so close I can almost feel it. Get here, 2013… the Sheppards are more than ready. We can handle anything, trust me.

Tired

The babies will be 7 weeks old in a couple of days. I can’t believe we’re surviving this! I'm tired.The past 7 weeks have been the most trying and exhausting days of my life. On facebook, I read people’s statuses and look at their pictures and get jealous that they are living a “normal” life. I know things will never be the same, but at least we will have our new normal when the babies come home.  It’s hard not to feel alone in this journey even though we have people all around us. It’s a very unique situation that not many people can relate to. I never thought I’d be experiencing it. I know it’s made me a stronger and more patient person, but I still don’t understand why it had to happen to us… to our babies.

The babies are doing well. The morning I last blogged, I hadn’t gotten my morning update from Dennis, yet. A little while after I posted, he called me and told me that both of the babies had had a rough night. Violet was back on the cannula and Cameron was having heart rate drops. Hearing these things was difficult and made me anxious to be with them for the day. When I got to the hospital I felt more alone than I had in weeks. Luckily, I have an awesome mom who came up to spend the rough day with me. The babies dsatted a lot and Cameron had a heart rate drop or two. Their monitors were going off all day! It was awful. Those monitors are enough to make you crazy, that's for sure! That seemed to be the worst of it, though. The babies are doing well today.

Yesterday marked the day that I would’ve been exactly 33 weeks pregnant. I don’t think I’ll ever get over how early these babies came. However, considering everything, we really are very lucky. We hit a HUGE milestone today when Violet had her first BOTTLE!!! Bottle feeding starts when the babies are doing well with their breathing and are showing signs that they can handle the bottle.  She took 10 mls out of her 36 ml feeding. She did so well and we were so proud of her. I couldn’t stop crying through the whole thing. Bottle feeding is a huge step closer to coming home. For now, she’s only going to be trying one bottle a day and we’ll slowly work our way up depending on how she tolerates them. At this rate, there’s a very good chance she’ll be coming home before Cameron. Our sweet boy is still on anywhere between 32 and 38 percent oxygen with 2 liter flow of oxygen. They’ve tried to wean him down a couple of times, but he doesn’t seem to like it very much. Hopefully, within the next few days he’s able to tolerate the weaning. We’d really like to see that oxygen lowered. He is not ready to bottle feed with his breathing issues. He is, however, getting a lot bigger. Cameron is now about 4 lbs 7oz and Violet is 3 lbs 14 oz. They’re really doing a nice job with their weight gains.

I’m not sure how we’ll handle Violet coming home before Cameron… especially if it’s before the holidays. The whole thing breaks my heart. While I want her home more than anything in the world, I feel sick thinking about taking her home and leaving him there. First, I’m not sure how I would take care of her and go spend time with him and second I HATE the idea of him being in the hospital by himself and not here with us. Our family won’t be complete until we are all here. I just can’t wait much longer!!!

6 Weeks!

The babies are 6 weeks old today! They are doing great. Violet was a little jealous of her brother, so she is also in a crib now! Violet is completely off ALL oxygen and is doing amazingly. We are so proud of her. Cameron is still on 2 liters of oxygen, but he’s doing well and they are weaning him slowly. We have learned that Cameron definitely works on his own time. He gets things done when he wants to get things done.

In less than two weeks they are most likely going to start trying bottle feeding with the twins (as long as Cameron is off the high flow oxygen). I’ve heard that oftentimes this is the most frustrating part. The babies will be just 34 weeks gestation, but will need to get the coordination of sucking, swallowing and breathing to be able to take their bottles. This is a requirement to be able to go home. They want to make sure that they consistently take their bottles for at least 48 hours. During this time the babies will also start to be weaned off of the caffeine. They are on caffeine because it works as a stimulant and kind of reminds them to breathe. The nurse from yesterday said that they also start to wean themselves off of the caffeine simply because they gain weight and the dose does not go up at all.

The subject of coming home now comes up every day and with each nurse. The fact is that we have no idea still. In a perfect world, they would catch on to bottle feeding, be weaned off of the caffeine and be able to do everything on their own by the end of the year. We all know we don’t live in a perfect world, so I have to be realistic. It’s so hard having no idea when they are coming home or if one will be home before the other. Everyone keeps asking me when they are coming home and each time I have to say I don’t know.

I think a lot of people think that being a premature baby just means that you are born small. My babies were born at 26 weeks gestation… 14 weeks before a complete pregnancy. Every single part of them was underdeveloped. My babies were very sick… especially Cameron. So, when people were telling me to enjoy my time at the hospital and to relax because everything would be fine, it was very difficult to deal with. At this point, the babies aren’t nearly as sick as they were 6 weeks ago or 5 weeks ago or 2 days ago for that matter. But, they would still only be 32 weeks gestation. They still have developing to do and there are still a lot of hurdles to get over. I know most people are just trying to help, but people have to remember that being a preemie isn’t just about size.

I’m starting to wake up throughout the night just thinking about them. It’s not a bad thing, but it just makes me wish I could go peek at them or smell them or hold them or hear them breathing. I woke up at 4am the other day and was wide awake. I couldn’t get these words out of my head. Then I put the words to a tune. Before I knew it, it was 4:15 and I was pulling out my phone to jot down all of these words. Then, since I didn’t want to lose the tune, I downloaded a voice recording app and recorded myself singing the tune. Sooooooooo between 4 and 5 am the other day, I wrote a song. You might be thinking, “hey, I didn’t know Betsy wrote songs”. Well, I don’t. What a weirdo. But, I could not get this tune or these lyrics out of my head. It’s about the babies and being in the NICU. I guess I wrote it because when I was thinking of songs to put on their dvds, I was trying to find some about being in the NICU or similar themes. The only ones I found were depressing or creepy. So, I just wrote my own.

Anyway, I’m going to finish getting ready to go see my little sweeties. Hopefully, we all have a great day today!