One Month Old!

Our babies turned one month old yesterday! In a way it seemed to go by fast, but then I think about being in the hospital and the day they were born, and the first time I saw them in the NICU and it feels like a lifetime ago. I also think about the fact that that means we’re only about a third of the way through this (hopefully!).  It’s so strange.

We made it through Thanksgiving! One of the main reasons we were able to make it through is because when we arrived at the hospital, Cameron was on the high flow nasal cannulas! We were so happy. Violet was taken of the cpap earlier than Cameron, but this little man seems to be catching right up. They are both doing so well.  Every day that goes by is one day closer to bringing those little angels home.  They are making this so much easier on me by fighting so hard and progressing as they are. I’m so proud of them and pray that they continue to get bigger, stronger, and healthier every day.

With the holiday season starting, the emotional roller coaster is hitting me again. I’m not going to be decorating or putting up my tree this year. I’m not anti-Christmas or holidays or being happy or anything like that. I just know that every time I’d look at my tree, instead of getting that warm and cozy feeling, it would just make me miss the babies more. I can’t imagine missing them even more than I do now.  It’s getting harder to leave rather than easier and I think it’s because they are starting to really seem like BABIES. They open their eyes so much more and respond to our voices. Holding them is the most amazing feeling in the world because they are so content and warm and snuggly. It’s perfect. I never want it to end while it’s happening. I have to admit, though, it does get quite uncomfortable for my neck because I can’t help but stare at them the entire time.  

Everyone keeps asking when they will be home. The fact is, we don’t know. We don’t know because they are preemies. Today, they should be 31 weeks old… GESTATIONAL age. Instead, they are one month old. It’s absolutely insane. I know there are still so many what ifs and so many possible things that can happen, but I have faith that they will pull through. They are such miracles. We are so lucky that these babies survived! And now they are doing so awesomely.  One of the nurses said, “it’s okay to be happy, but you know you have to be cautious… you can’t trust a preemie”. After she walked away, I whispered to Cameron, “I trust you. I trust you and your sister”.  I hope that gave them some extra fight.

I can’t wait until the day I feel whole again. My chest feels empty and my mind is always thinking that I’m missing something. I know exactly what those somethings are and soon they’ll be at home with me, Dennis, and Ivy. Keep sending the love, prayers and support. 

Quick Update on the Angels

It’s been 4 weeks and 1 day since I was admitted to the hospital.  One minute feels like it was an eternity ago and one minute it feels like it could’ve been yesterday. Thankfully, I’m in a much better place than I’ve been since the whole experience began. I believe that this is because BOTH of my babies are doing well. Cameron is FINALLY off the ventilator and he is doing very well on the sipap. Violet is still on the cpap, but she is doing awesome on it and they are still talking about moving on with her, but nothing yet. My mind and heart are never at ease, but it certainly feels a whole lot better to know both of the babies are doing what they are supposed to do and they are well.

My heart continues to hurt every single second knowing that my babies are miles away from me. I won’t say it’s getting better or easier, it’s just sinking in. Our daily routine is becoming familiar. Acceptance is taking place whether I like it or not. I’ve been feeling more like myself. I’ve smiled and laughed. Of course I feel guilty after I do these things. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I feel like I shouldn’t feel okay for even a second knowing that the babies are in the hospital. Typing those words made me cry about it and feel guilty about it. I know it’ll never get better or easier, but as I keep saying, “if they’re okay, then I’m okay”.

Dennis was able to kangaroo with Violet today and I was able to do the same with Cameron. We were able to hold our sweet angels in our arms for two hours! I know I can speak for my husband when I say that it was perfection.  Today was also an amazing day because I heard my son cry for the first time. His little lungs are getting stronger and stronger. As soon as I heard it my eyes filled up with tears and I wanted nothing more than to pick him up and cuddle with him. I wanted to smell his head and tell him that everything will be okay forever.  His cries were precious. They were lower than Violet’s. She sounds higher and squeakier. His sounded more frog-like. Adorable, precious, amazing…  I’m so thankful.

Speaking of thankful, Thanksgiving is in less than a week. The holiday season has always been my favorite time of the year. This year will be quite different, but I’m going to do my best.

I just wanted to give a quick update on the babies’ progress. They are amazing and awesome. Please continue to pray for them and send us your positive thoughts and vibes.