It’s been 4 weeks and 1 day since I was admitted to the
hospital. One minute feels like it was
an eternity ago and one minute it feels like it could’ve been yesterday.
Thankfully, I’m in a much better place than I’ve been since the whole
experience began. I believe that this is because BOTH of my babies are doing
well. Cameron is FINALLY off the ventilator and he is doing very well on the
sipap. Violet is still on the cpap, but she is doing awesome on it and they are
still talking about moving on with her, but nothing yet. My mind and heart are
never at ease, but it certainly feels a whole lot better to know both of the
babies are doing what they are supposed to do and they are well.
My heart continues to hurt every single second knowing that
my babies are miles away from me. I won’t say it’s getting better or easier, it’s
just sinking in. Our daily routine is becoming familiar. Acceptance is taking
place whether I like it or not. I’ve been feeling more like myself. I’ve smiled
and laughed. Of course I feel guilty after I do these things. I know it doesn’t
make sense, but I feel like I shouldn’t feel okay for even a second knowing
that the babies are in the hospital. Typing those words made me cry about it
and feel guilty about it. I know it’ll never get better or easier, but as I
keep saying, “if they’re okay, then I’m okay”.
Dennis was able to kangaroo with Violet today and I was able
to do the same with Cameron. We were able to hold our sweet angels in our arms
for two hours! I know I can speak for my husband when I say that it was
perfection. Today was also an amazing
day because I heard my son cry for the first time. His little lungs are getting
stronger and stronger. As soon as I heard it my eyes filled up with tears and I
wanted nothing more than to pick him up and cuddle with him. I wanted to smell
his head and tell him that everything will be okay forever. His cries were precious. They were lower than
Violet’s. She sounds higher and squeakier. His sounded more frog-like. Adorable,
precious, amazing… I’m so thankful.
Speaking of thankful, Thanksgiving is in less than a week.
The holiday season has always been my favorite time of the year. This year will
be quite different, but I’m going to do my best.
I just wanted to give a quick update on the babies’
progress. They are amazing and awesome. Please continue to pray for them and
send us your positive thoughts and vibes.
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