High to Low

I’m sick right now.  I don’t have the flu. My head isn’t hurting. No infection. No virus. The only thing that is aching is my heart. When my son came off the ventilator, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. I told him that he would never have to go back on. Now, his little body has made a liar out of me. Today, the doctor told me that Cameron has a hernia and will need surgery. I haven’t talked to surgery, yet, just the doctor and our nurse. I know it’s a common problem for preemies and I know that he will recover, but it makes me so sick to my stomach to think of my sweet boy back on the ventilator and IV fluids and in pain. I thought we were done with all of that. It was a blow and it hurts.

I keep picturing him back on the vent and my eyes just keep filling with tears. I think about surgeons cutting into him yet again and leaving a scar on his tiny body. This poor angel is still supposed to be INSIDE of his mommy and instead he is moving onto his next surgery. It’s not fair to him. I can’t help but feel incredibly guilty. No one wants to see their babies in pain and it’s breaking my heart to think about how much his tiny little body has gone through and is going to go through.

Cameron is strong, though, and by the time he gets to surgery he’ll be even bigger and stronger. I have to have faith that he will put up a fight to get that vent out after surgery and he’ll be so hungry for a bottle that the nurses will have no choice but to get that stupid tube out of him.

We were on such a huge high because Cam took his first bottle yesterday during a feeding. I was nervous about it, but he did awesome with it. Today he took two more bottles while I was there. He’s eating like a champ and he was down on his flow and percentage of oxygen. I definitely went from an extreme high to an extreme low. This sucks.

I’m tired of the NICU life. I know it could be worse and I know my babies could’ve had a much rougher road. But, that doesn’t make things much easier. I’m so proud of them and so very, very ready to take them home. I miss them so much when I’m not there. It feels like I will never get to hold them in my arms here at home. I know that that’s not true, but it really feels that way. At this moment, I would give anything to be listening to Violet make her cute little noises and watching Cameron’s eyes light up when he hears me talk. Those are the things I long for every second that I’m not with them.

I know my miracle babies will continue to make me proud. I just wish they were doing it from our home.  I also know they are where they need to be right now. I just wish they were where I need them to be…

Quick Update on the Angels

It’s been 4 weeks and 1 day since I was admitted to the hospital.  One minute feels like it was an eternity ago and one minute it feels like it could’ve been yesterday. Thankfully, I’m in a much better place than I’ve been since the whole experience began. I believe that this is because BOTH of my babies are doing well. Cameron is FINALLY off the ventilator and he is doing very well on the sipap. Violet is still on the cpap, but she is doing awesome on it and they are still talking about moving on with her, but nothing yet. My mind and heart are never at ease, but it certainly feels a whole lot better to know both of the babies are doing what they are supposed to do and they are well.

My heart continues to hurt every single second knowing that my babies are miles away from me. I won’t say it’s getting better or easier, it’s just sinking in. Our daily routine is becoming familiar. Acceptance is taking place whether I like it or not. I’ve been feeling more like myself. I’ve smiled and laughed. Of course I feel guilty after I do these things. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I feel like I shouldn’t feel okay for even a second knowing that the babies are in the hospital. Typing those words made me cry about it and feel guilty about it. I know it’ll never get better or easier, but as I keep saying, “if they’re okay, then I’m okay”.

Dennis was able to kangaroo with Violet today and I was able to do the same with Cameron. We were able to hold our sweet angels in our arms for two hours! I know I can speak for my husband when I say that it was perfection.  Today was also an amazing day because I heard my son cry for the first time. His little lungs are getting stronger and stronger. As soon as I heard it my eyes filled up with tears and I wanted nothing more than to pick him up and cuddle with him. I wanted to smell his head and tell him that everything will be okay forever.  His cries were precious. They were lower than Violet’s. She sounds higher and squeakier. His sounded more frog-like. Adorable, precious, amazing…  I’m so thankful.

Speaking of thankful, Thanksgiving is in less than a week. The holiday season has always been my favorite time of the year. This year will be quite different, but I’m going to do my best.

I just wanted to give a quick update on the babies’ progress. They are amazing and awesome. Please continue to pray for them and send us your positive thoughts and vibes.