Violet and Cameron Update!

I had a nightmare last night that I woke up and the babies' feeding tubes were back in. I woke up and wanted to throw up. I just can't escape thoughts of the whole experience. I feel like it still just tortures me. I guess I've just never experienced something traumatic like this. Still, not a day goes by where I don't think of the days I was waiting for them to be born in the hospital, the day they were born and random NICU days or nights. Ugh. Why can't I just start to put it in the past?

The babies are so awesome. We are so incredibly blessed. Violet's colic has eased up a HUGE deal. When she screams at night it's mainly a "bored" scream instead of a "painful" scream. She's such a happy baby in the morning and throughout the day... it's even carrying into the night sometimes. She's getting cuter and cuter everyday. Her smile just melts my heart. That girl is going to be a heartbreaker... and a toughie. I definitely don't see her being a girlie girl. She's feisty.

Cameron is the happiest baby in the world. He laughs at everything. Even when he's getting upset about something, I can make a funny noise or funny face and he just HAS to smile or laugh. It is the cutest thing I've ever seen. He talks and talks and talks in the mornings. It's one of my favorite things. His one eye no longer wanders anymore. I was a little concerned with it a few weeks ago because he just wasn't focusing, but now he focuses on everything! Every time I move their little eyes follow me.They are both getting so big.They are in 3 month clothes... some 0-3 month, but those are fading fast.

Easter is coming up soon and I'm so excited to dress them up and take them to their first real holiday. Since flu season will practically be over, we are venturing out to my grandparents' house with the babies. I bought Violet a bright yellow dress with white tights and a white bonnet. The bonnet is definitely for my Grammy and my mom. It wouldn't be Easter if the baby girl wasn't wearing a bonnet! Cam is going to wear khakis and an aqua polo with some yellow in it. They are going to be so cute. I can't wait to get them little Easter baskets.

While the babies are amazing and perfect, this time has been rough. My husband and I barely talk. We don't have time! When he walks in the door, he grabs a baby and then we are working for the night. For some reason, evening is definitely the babies' awake/crazy time. They are very needy at night. However, we've started trying to get them into bed between 9-10 every night even if they are a little awake still. It's going alright... better than I expected. They are waking up about twice a night... sometimes more, but they've been going longer without needing a bottle. Hopefully this continues to improve so Dennis and I can finally get some sleep. To those people who say they kept their twins on a schedule... I seriously don't believe them. It was impossible after the first couple weeks of having them both home. They want to eat and sleep and play at different times nearly every day.

They still sleep next to me in their rock n' plays (which I highly recommend them to any new mommy!), but today I am getting them the little inclined positioners for their cribs. I think I'm going to start putting them in there slowly, but surely. Part of me wants to throw up when I think about that, but the other part feels a sense of relief that I'm able to think about doing that. I should sleep better with them in the other room... at least after a while. At first I'll probably sneak in there every 15 minutes or so just to look at them. My mom recently said she would take one of them for the night to help us get some sleep, but I'm just not ready for that, yet. I spent way too many nights away from these precious angels. While I do need breaks from them (as all mommys do), the breaks can't be too long because I start to get way too anxious.

I can't believe they let me finish this all in one sitting! Cam is starting to stir though... he must miss his mama!

Colic (sucks)

My heart is breaking for my poor girl. She screams and screams and screams. Nothing seems to soothe her lately. As if being helpless in the NICU wasn’t enough, I feel helpless, now, at home. This doesn’t seem fair. It’s not the fact that she’s screaming, though, it’s that she’s in pain and I can’t do anything about it. We have tried everything to help this girl! The term “colic” seems like a cop out to me. Figure out what’s wrong with these babies and why they can’t calm down!

I hate to wish this time away, but I hate knowing that Violet is miserable. I think I was really naïve as to how this would all be. I could handle the no sleep and the craziness of handling two babies by myself, but I cannot handle her being an unhappy baby… or worse, a baby in pain.

When the babies are happy (which Cam is for the most part), words can’t express how I feel. Seeing them smile makes my heart swell 10 sizes. It’s the most precious thing I’ve ever seen. They are starting to watch me. If I put them in their cribs for a minute to play or something, I watch their little eyes follow me. I can’t help but reassure them that I’ll be right back and I’ll never leave them.

I know it’s seems silly, but I do wonder if they have any recollection of the NICU. If they think that there is going to be a period of time when I’m not going to be there. I hate thinking about that and I know they probably don’t have those thoughts, but I can’t help but think about it.

Last night was another rough night for Violet. I posted for help on facebook and we had already tried everything that people had suggested. My poor girl… I hope she feels better soon. I cried most of the night right along with her last night. Listening to her and not being able to do anything is heartbreaking and stressful. There are definitely times when I feel like I’m going to lose it. That’s when my husband steps in, though, and takes over. We make a pretty good team. We’ve always known that, but the past 4 months have really proven it to be a fact. Sure we argue and get irritated with one another, but we really work together and cooperate and support each other. I’m so lucky to have found my soulmate… and even luckier that he’s so helpful!

The Adroable Sheppard Twins

Ohhhh hey! Remember me? I used to blog every now and again. This was all before the twins came home and the “honeymoon” ended. Things have been crazy, to say the least, and I have had zero time to blog. I actually started an entry like 2 weeks ago and was never able to finish. Yes, things have been crazy.

First and foremost, the babies are doing exceptionally well. Both of the babies are gaining plenty of weight: Cam weighs 9 lbs 10 oz and Violet weighs 8 lbs 10 oz. They are growing like crazy and already out of their newborn clothes. It was bittersweet taking all of those adorable outfits out of their drawers. On the one hand, I am beyond thrilled that my babies are getting big and strong just as they should be. On the other hand, my babies are getting big!!! It seemed like our time in the NICU crawled by and now this time is flying. Go figure.

As I mentioned, the honeymoon is definitely over. Violet has been screaming her head off anywhere from 5pm-12am on a nightly basis. It’s been rough. The poor little girl looks like she’s in so much pain sometimes and nothing calms her down. I can tell when she is just in the groove and screams because she wants to and I can tell when she is seriously not feeling good. Most of the time, at night, she’s not feeling very good. When we went to the doctor the other day, we asked if we could take her off of the Neosure since we thought maybe this was adding to her discomfort. The doctor said he was fine with that considering she’s gaining weight and everything else is fine. It’s been two nights on Enfamil and it has been much better. Who knows if it’s directly related to the change, but the screaming has lessened a TON. I can’t even begin to tell you how relieved that makes me feel. The worst feeling in the world (and I know it all too well) is not being able to “take care” of your baby. It’s heartbreaking to watch them go through something you have no control over. I thought maybe since we had that experience in the NICU, I really wouldn’t have to deal with it much at home. I was, of course, wrong. Every mother goes through this… I’m sure for the rest of her life. You want so bad to make everything better for them and take all of their pain away and you know that you can’t do it. Motherhood…

Luckily, Cameron is a very happy baby. Sure, he has his moments where he’s upset or uncomfortable, but for the most part this kid is a dream! He’s such a good boy while Violet gets all the attention sometimes. Another heartbreaking part of motherhood: being able to give each baby the exact amount of attention all the time. It’s impossible. I’m learning so much as I go along, but one of the most significant things is that I cannot control everything. I’ve learned to take a lot of deep breaths and take things as they come. And as those things come, I handle them the best way I know how and the best way I’m capable.

Please don’t think I’m complaining. Every time, I get frustrated with Violet’s screaming or feel like collapsing from exhaustion, I get a huge wave of guilt. I feel like I’m not allowed to feel those things because I’m just lucky to have my babies home. I mean, as of now, if our only issue is Violet being a colicky baby after having these babies at 26 weeks, how can I complain? The fact is, I’m not complaining, but I am human. It IS frustrating to deal with a screaming baby for hours and it DOES take its toll on a person when you aren’t getting any sleep at night. I’m doing the best I can. I tell the babies that all the time. I hope they know how hard I’m trying and how much I love them. There is nothing in the world I’d rather be doing and nowhere in the world I’d rather be than with them. The moments where Violet is happy and Cameron is smiling make every single second of screaming so worth it. Violet is really started to watch everything I do now. When I get up and walk away she watches. It’s so precious. Cameron is starting to focus more when we are talking to him or playing with him. I love watching them grow and progress and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

I can’t believe we’ve reached a point where I finally feel pretty relieved about their health. I know that they may have obstacles to overcome in the future, but I’m not worried. These babies are so strong and amazing that I have nothing but faith in them. Every day, they remind me that miracles happen. When I feel like breaking down because of other things in my life, I just have to look at them and I instantly feel a sense of comfort. They are a constant reminder that anything is possible in life.

I still relive my few days in the hospital every single night. I’m not sure how normal that is. Some nights I cry about it a little and some nights a lot. I’m still not okay with it. I wonder if I ever will be. I still feel the guilt and the fear. I still feel the pain and the anxiety. I still see the doctors talking to me. I still feel the discomfort of the delivery bed. I still remember thinking I just wanted it all to end. I hope some of it goes away. I hate reliving it all the time, but it’s like I can’t control it. It just happens. I lay down or I’m looking at them and all of a sudden my brain becomes flooded with the thoughts and my heart with the emotions. It’s strange.

I’m a lucky girl to have such beautiful and amazing babies. That’s something I know I’ll never forget. By the way, they are the cutest things that ever lived.

Random Little Update

It’s been two weeks since both of my babies have been home. How is it possible that time is now deciding to speed up? The time in the NICU felt like an eternity.  The past two weeks, however, have gone by in a flash.  The babies have adjusted well. They are pretty much on their 3 hour feeding schedule still and behave very well. It wouldn’t matter if they didn’t, though, because everything is perfect with them here. Last night was a little rough because Violet was up from about 1 am to 5 am then 6 am to 10 am. She wasn’t crying hysterically or anything, just very fussy and kept letting out her little screams. Poor little girl had a belly ache. Cameron was also wide awake for a few hours in the middle of the night, but he’s such a laid back baby so he just stared at his glowworm until he fell asleep.

They both had their follow up eye exams last week. Violet’s went well and she doesn’t have to go back for a year. Cameron is still in Stage One of ROP (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Retinopathy_of_prematurity) also known as Stevie Wonder disease. Did you know that Stevie Wonder was a preemie? ROP is the cause of his blindness. We aren’t too worried about Cameron since he’s only in Stage One, but we’d like to see some improvement by his next appointment. The doctor said that it doesn’t stay the same and it will get better or worse. We’ll just have to wait and see. Cameron also will be going to a pulmonologist on Thursday to check on his lungs. He’s still on the diuretic so we need to figure out on long he needs to be on it. His breathing seems to be much slower than it was (which I’m assuming is a good thing) and he doesn’t ever really seem to struggle unless he’s refluxing pretty bad or something. All in all, the babies seem to be doing great here at home.

They are so cute that I can’t stand it. Cameron has such big features. His eyes and lips are both huge and so adorable. Violet’s features are delicate and small… strange because she is definitely the feisty one. As I typed those words she let out a blood curdling scream. It lasted a couple of seconds and then she closed her eyes again. Little weirdo.

The babies are getting their “newborn” pictures done this weekend by a friend of ours and we’re so excited for them. We were offered the services from Bella Baby in the NICU, but it just didn’t feel right having their pictures taken there. This way the pictures will be taken at home with someone who loves our babies and has supported us throughout the past 3 months… well throughout this whole baby process! We can’t wait to see how they turn out. A twin photo shoot is going to be so much fun!

The other day one of the mothers that I talked to in the NICU brought her other twin home. As I told Cameron and Violet that he was finally home, I had to choke back tears. I was so happy for her and her family. Only NICU mothers can understand what the experience is like when you have a baby or babies in the hospital. While there have been so many people who have supported and loved us through this, no one will ever know the ups and downs of life in the NICU. We appreciate everyone trying so hard, though. We’ll never forget the love we have been shown… so much that we’re STILL receiving packages in the mail for the babies. There are a lot of good people in this world. 

My due date was on Saturday. It was very strange, but it almost felt good to get it out of the way. That date has been stuck in my head since May 10th... well probably before that since I'm sure I did the exact calculating before the transfer. Either way, it's official, the babies are supposed to be here, now! 

Letter to Family and Friends

First and foremost, thank you all so, so, so much. These past 3 months have been an incredible roller coaster ride for the Sheppard family and to those of you that have showed us your love and support, we will forever be grateful. In times like these, it becomes clear how much people love and care for others. Thank you forever and always.

Second, we decided to write a “letter” so we can answer all of your questions and start talking about visiting the babies. This is the easiest way to respond to everyone and cover all of the things we’d like people to keep in mind when it comes to the babies. Please, please don’t be offended by any of the “rules” we’ve set up. Everything we’re asking is for the health and well-being of the babies. Everything we’re asking (well, almost everything!) is based on the recommendations of nurses and doctors. We love you all and don’t want anyone to be offended or take anything personally when it comes to helping or visiting.

So, here we go…

1.   We’d love for ALL of you to visit… but obviously, not at the same time. We’d love to throw a big party to celebrate the babies coming home, however, this would probably a very stupid thing to do. If you would like to visit, please inbox, email, call or text me. We will set up a time that works for all of us.

2.     If you’ve been sick within the last few weeks, please refrain from seeing our babies for another few weeks. Even if the illness was just a little cold, we’d prefer you wait a little while before coming over. The babies are preemies and more susceptible to illnesses. Any time an infant gets sick it can be very scary, but our babies getting sick can mean going BACK to the hospital. Needless to say, this is the last thing we want. Please don’t be offended if we ask you to wear a mask when holding the babies.

3.  We know some of you won’t like this rule, but our nurses have stressed to us that if you have not gotten your flu shot then you should not be in close contact with the babies. For example, holding the babies. The flu season is one of the worst we’ve seen and even if you aren’t sick, that doesn’t mean you can’t have those germs with you! You can still visit (as long as you aren’t sick), but no holding.

4. You will be very tempted, but please don’t kiss their faces just yet!!!

5.  Please wash your hands upon arrival and anytime you touch/hold the babies. We also have hand-sanitzer readily available for you to use!

6.  Please remember that they are preemies. They are going to be 3 months soon, but they are not considered 3 month olds. Their due date hasn’t even arrived yet! They are much more like newborns. If they are sleeping, please let them do so. They do their best growing when they are sleeping!!!

7.  So many of you have asked how you can help. Diapers are helpful. Very helpful. They are in size 1 Huggies. Please do not think I am asking for diapers here… this is only for the people who constantly ask what they can do or bring. We are in no way suggesting that you need to bring something when you visit. Your love is all the babies need!

8.  Since the flu is so bad this season, we are asking that you wait to have your little ones meet our little ones.

***Sorry if I sound like a teacher or over protective mom, but I am both of those things! Spending 3 months in the hospital with our babies has taught us a lot and we hope you all respect our wishes. Thank you and hopefully we’ll see you soon!!!

We're ALL Home!

Cameron is home. The emotions I felt the day we brought him home are so hard to explain or compare to anything. I’ve never felt the things I’ve felt in the last 3 months and I don’t think I will ever be able to do my emotions justice because I just can’t find the words. On January 15, 2013, Dennis and I drove to Christ hospital for our baby for the last time. We circled one of the incredibly annoying parking garages for the last time.  We hopped in the elevators to the second floor and showed the security guard our “parent/caregiver” bracelet for the last time. We were buzzed in and entered the gowning room for the last time. We stepped through the large double doors to the NICU for the last time. I scrubbed in for the last time with a smile and my heart pounding.  I greeted my sweet baby in the NICU for the last time.

Trying to hold it together that morning was a difficult task to say the least. I cried the entire car ride over and of course as soon as I saw my baby I was choked up again. I couldn’t believe the day had finally arrived. Had it? It felt like a dream. Actually, were the past 3 months real? It all feels like some strange dream. While the dream may be over since the babies are home, I still kind of feel like I’m in that weird state between sleep and awake. The feeling where you are groggy and can’t tell if everything was a dream or not… I’m not sure if I’ll ever accept the past 3 months as a reality. Weird.

Back to Cam’s homecoming day! We were so happy that Nurse Megan was there with us on discharge day. She took care of him right after he was born and has been with us ever since. She’s been through our ups with us and she’s been through our downs with us. She’s given us hope and support and has been there for Cameron on the roughest days of his life. It was only fitting that she be there to see him graduate. How fitting that Megan was the one to cut off my “parent/caregiver” bracelet. How fitting that she was the one to walk Cameron down to our waiting car. How fitting that she was the last face we’d see as we pulled away from the hospital.

Before we took Cameron downstairs to wait for Dennis to pull up, I had to make a stop in the gowning room to remove my gown. I flashed back to the first time I was in the gowning room. I remember wondering what the hell was going on and what I was doing there and how I was going to do this every day for at least 3 months. The time did not fly by like people said it would. The time dragged. But in that moment, I couldn’t believe how far we'd come and that we had finally made it.

We arrived at our home and were greeted by a big sign that said “There’s No Place Like Home”. My sister had made the sign and my mom hung up balloons, just as they had for Violet. My parents, Violet and Ivy were all anxiously waiting for us. The picture was finally complete. Our family was finally home.

Dennis and I have not slept much (at all) these past few days. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Sleep deprived as we are, I couldn’t be happier. Everything is perfect. My sweet Violet Laurie and Cameron Patrick are home at last and ready to start their lives. I will never, ever let them forget how incredible they are and how hard they fought just to live.They are amazing. My Papa said it perfectly the other day, “The last piece to a beautiful puzzle”. While this puzzle is finally complete, we’re moving on to the next. We can’t wait to see what’s in store for our family… only great things, I know it.