Keep Keepin' On

It's a few days after Cameron's ligation and we're still waiting for this turnaround we've heard so much about. The past couple of days we noticed that he was twitching quite a bit and the nurses seem to think it's because he's in pain. I can barely stand when I see him like that or when I think about my baby in pain. I feel like I'm going to be sick each and every time. He's on a lower dose of morphine right now because they think the higher dose was making him a little lazy. Since he was being a little lazy, he was not generating his own breaths. This is what we need him to do to come off of the ventilator. While I was there today, the nurse kept telling me he was having a good day. While I still saw a lot of twitching (we were reassured that it's definitely not seizures), he seemed to be okay and his alarms weren't going off at all. She also had him on a lower percentage of oxygen which was making him work more. I know my little sweetie can do it, he just needs some time. My sister and husband have been telling me that he's just going to be more like me when it comes to pain and healing. It's always taken me a long time to heal or recover from something. Perfect example: the c-section. My infection is still here, but it's getting better. I wish it would just leave already so I can feel more normal... physically, at least.

Even though Cameron hasn't been doing too great, he has gained weight. He is up to 3 lbs now! Our little flower is up to 2 lbs 7 oz! She's doing very well. Violet had a little bit of an off day today, but the doctor believes it's because she needed a blood transfusion. So, as I type, my little sweetheart is getting a blood transfusion. She's up to 20 mls on her feeds and they started her on vitamins today. After her feeding, she threw up. I have a feeling that everything was just a little much for her today (meaning the 20 mls and the vitamins). I forgot to mention that Cameron is also back on feedings (2.5. mls).

I'm so tired of people looking at me. It sounds weird, but I feel so uncomfortable because I know people are studying how I look and how I'm acting. I know most people are just concerned and trying to help, but I've never had so many people study me and comment on my appearance in my life. It's a strange feeling and it's starting to get to me. Even if it's a compliment, it still feels awkward.

So many people have been so wonderful and caring throughout all of this. You certainly realize how many people truly care for you when you go through something like this. You also realize there are some people that just don't get it or are even more self-absorbed than you thought. Those aren't the people that matter, though. The people we've been focusing on are the TONS that are praying for us, supporting us, and helping us get through this nightmare. We are lucky to have so many awesome people in our lives... and even some that aren't really in our lives at all! I received adorable and thoughtful gifts from one of my best friend's future mother-in-law yesterday. I had never even met her, but she told me how happy she was for us. And she's certainly not the only one who has been so generous and thoughtful. Between all of the gifts, messages, visits, phone calls and help, we're somehow surviving.

Thank you to all of you. Someday Violet and Cameron will know how much love and support they received while our family was going through this difficult time. I will make sure that they realize how amazing it all has been. Keep praying for the loves of my life.

Reality

Beginning these blogs is getting harder and harder. I don’t know how to start them anymore because I don’t know what to say. I definitely still feel like I’m living someone else’s life. I just keep waiting to wake up and still be pregnant. I’m waiting to hear my alarm go off at 6am, to complain that I have to go to work, but go anyway. Waiting to walk through the doors at school and pick up where I left off… moving into Persuasive writing in Language and… I seriously don’t even remember where we were going in Reading. Waiting for my next doctor’s appointment or my next ultrasound… waiting to get bigger and bigger and more excited to deliver the babies. And then reality hits (again and again) like a ton of bricks. I never thought it would be so hard to adjust to reality and to something that happened almost 3 weeks ago. Nevertheless, here I am struggling every day.

The other night, in the middle of the night I awoke from a nightmare about Cameron. I woke up crying and had a sick feeling about it. That day I planned on going to the hospital a little later, but after the dream I just couldn’t wait and went up early. Right when I got there, Cameron’s nurse told me that he had a bad night. He stopped responding to his ventilator and then wasn’t responding when they “bagged” him either. I guess the whole episode only lasted seconds. After the episode, his doctor said that they realized the tube for his ventilator was a little small for him so they gave him a bigger one. He’s been fine since then. We also received the news that Cameron would need the surgery to close the PDA. Yesterday my sweet baby had his PDA ligation surgery. He did well and the surgery was a success. The doctor told us it’s normal for babies to get sicker the first 24 hours after the surgery, but then they normally pick back up. I was hoping this wouldn’t be the case with Cameron and that he would immediately start doing better. Of course, this doesn’t seem to be the case. Overnight and throughout this morning Cameron was having blood pressure issues. He also has some fluid in his lungs. He’s been put on meds and, again, I’ve been reassured that all of this is perfectly normal. His doctor still expects a full turn around for him and expects him to start progressing very soon. We know our little man will do this, but that doesn’t make it any less terrifying and worrisome for us. I love my sweet, little boy so much. I wish I could give him all of my strength and then some. Before the surgery, I had some kangaroo care time with Cameron. It was amazing, of course.  Also, for the first time, my husband got kangaroo time with him. It was wonderful.

Miss Violet is doing beautifully. My tiny princess is now on feeds at 15 mls!  They were able to stop her iv fluids tonight because she’s now getting enough nutrition from her feeds. According to the doctor, this is a very big step in her progress! She’s also doing very well respiratory wise and may soon be on a high flow machine. I’m hoping that will mean that little mask will come off and I’ll get to see her beautiful face a lot more often. I’m so proud of her for doing so well. What a little fighter we have. I have a feeling she’s going to be a little feisty. Between Violet and me, Dennis and Cameron are in big trouble.

Our little family is having a rough time, but we’re getting through it. I hope the babies feel our strength and presence as we go through this together. I hope they can feel how much we love them and how much we are praying for their health. Our friends and family are wonderful and continue to pray for us and send us their positive vibes all the time. We are very lucky to have such a great support system.

Still not much milk… at all. Still have the infection.  The road to recovery isn’t an easy one, but if my babies can deal with what they’re dealing with, then I can certainly keep dealing with this stuff.

I’m scared every second of my life now. I’m trying to be more positive and I think I’m starting to feel more normal, but the guilt and sadness will just not relent. Hopefully, as time progresses, and our babies get bigger and stronger, things will get better for all of us. For now, we will continue to visit, love, support and pray for our babies.

January Never Seemed So Far Away

My heart hurts tonight. I’ve never felt pain like the kind I’ve been experiencing. I know the babies are getting the care they need, but it just doesn’t make it any easier to not have them with me. Leaving them makes me so sick every single time. I just don’t know how I’m going to do this until January. That month seems like it’s an eternity away from now. Everyone keeps telling me to look at it day by day and I know that’s what I need to do, but I can’t help but think about the 3 months that I won’t have my babies here with me. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how I can figure out how to do this. I have so many “moments” throughout the day where I just cry and cry. My guilt has not subsided. I know it doesn’t make sense to blame myself, but I have to blame someone for all of this. Who else would I blame?

My milk isn’t coming in. I’m only getting a few drops (if I’m lucky) when I pump. The lactation nurse thinks that it’s because I had PCOS. Yet another thing that I can’t do to help my babies… I was counting on this being the one thing I could do to help them get big and strong and now I can’t do this, either. I started taking Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle because the nurse recommended both of the herbal supplements. Everything says that you should be able to tell if it’s working within the first 24 hours. I’m not very optimistic right now considering I’m still getting the same amount of milk. My next move would be to talk to my doctor and see if there is something he can prescribe to help out. The stupid infection is still here... and making things very difficult for me. One might think that going to the hospital and hanging out with the babies isn't that big of a deal and could be relaxing. I've yet to have a relaxing day with them. Between dividing my time between them, pumping, visitors, bathroom visits, gauze changes, etc. it's busy, busy, busy.

The results of Cam’s test still haven’t been read, but the nurse and neonatologist said that they both believe he will need the surgery. If this is the case (which I’m sure it is), it should happen early next week. At this point, now that we know it’s probably happening, I just want it to happen already so he can start to progress. He’s such a little sweetie and he breaks my heart every day. I have a feeling he’s a mama’s boy and he’s going to need me a lot more than our little flower. Our little flower, who is doing extremely well! She’s doing everything she’s supposed to and she’s even sucking on a little pacifier! It’s so cute. Her breathing is good, but I hope she can get off that machine soon so I can always see her little face. The mask and the headband that holds it in place, makes it so hard to see her face. She’s also feeding now—up to 2.5 mls every 2 hours. What a good girl! I’ve gotten to hold her a couple of times and we’ve done kangaroo care with her a couple of time, as well. I’ve also gotten to do kangaroo care with Cameron! Our wonderful nurse for Cameron thought Cam and I both needed it. She couldn’t have been more right. It was perfect. I love my sweet babies so much.

Thank you to all of you for all of your love and support. We don’t know what we’d do without you. Please continue to pray for our family.

Ups and Downs

Yesterday when I went to the hospital the nurse asked me if I wanted to hold Violet. I was able to do kangaroo care with her. Feeling my baby against my skin was incredible. She’s so soft and little and perfect. We both were comfy and cuddled for about 40 minutes. I’ll never forget that feeling and how happy I was to hold her so close to me. I’d go through it all again for those 40 minutes. It’s so hard to be a mother and not be able to hold your babies whenever you want to. I have so many urges just to lift the tops of their incubators, take them out and put them close to my heart. If it wasn’t for all the damn tubes and ivs, I probably would do it! Needless to say, I was on a high and feeling great when I headed over to see Cameron.

When I approached Cameron’s nurse, I immediately asked how he was doing and her response was something like, “ehhh ok… he’s very touchy today”. She also went on to tell me that the pda is STILL not closed even with the second round of meds. They are calling it a “large” opening again. They are going to try one more round of meds and if that doesn’t work he will most likely be getting the surgery. My high came down to a low. My poor, sweet boy is working so hard. I feel so bad for him. I just wish I could take it all on myself and fix it all for him. Surgery makes me sick, but I know that if all goes well he will get much better… hopefully sooner rather than later. Whatever needs to be done to help him thrive will be done despite the fact that it makes me sick. I sat with Cam the rest of the afternoon, just staring at his sweet face. To me, he is starting to look a lot like Dennis. Dennis doesn’t see it, but I’ve really noticed it the past few days. I think Cam will look like Dennis and have his personality. Maybe that’s why I think he needs his Mama so much… just like Daddy did when they first met :-)

After I came home last night, my incision was beyond swollen, hard, and red. The antibiotics I was taking for the infection clearly weren’t kicking in yet. I wish someone would’ve told me NOT to put heat on it. I didn’t know any better, though, and I did put heat on it. The incision drained for a good 6 hours last night and still is a little bit right now. Maybe it was a good thing, though, because the pain has lessened significantly and the swelling has gone down. Dennis kept trying to get me to call the doctor last night, but there was no way IN HELL I was going to call only to be told to go to the ER. NO WAY was I going to go to the hospital last night. I would have seriously lost my mind. I’m going to call my doctor today just to make sure everything is okay. Looks like it’ll be hard for me to get to the babies on my own today, but my mom said she’d leave work to take me. We’ll see how that goes.

Pray for my babies, please. They’ve come a long way, but they’ve got a long way to go. Today I’m going to put pictures of Jaxon in their “bedrooms” so they’ll want to get big and strong to be able to play with him.