Keep Keepin' On

It's a few days after Cameron's ligation and we're still waiting for this turnaround we've heard so much about. The past couple of days we noticed that he was twitching quite a bit and the nurses seem to think it's because he's in pain. I can barely stand when I see him like that or when I think about my baby in pain. I feel like I'm going to be sick each and every time. He's on a lower dose of morphine right now because they think the higher dose was making him a little lazy. Since he was being a little lazy, he was not generating his own breaths. This is what we need him to do to come off of the ventilator. While I was there today, the nurse kept telling me he was having a good day. While I still saw a lot of twitching (we were reassured that it's definitely not seizures), he seemed to be okay and his alarms weren't going off at all. She also had him on a lower percentage of oxygen which was making him work more. I know my little sweetie can do it, he just needs some time. My sister and husband have been telling me that he's just going to be more like me when it comes to pain and healing. It's always taken me a long time to heal or recover from something. Perfect example: the c-section. My infection is still here, but it's getting better. I wish it would just leave already so I can feel more normal... physically, at least.

Even though Cameron hasn't been doing too great, he has gained weight. He is up to 3 lbs now! Our little flower is up to 2 lbs 7 oz! She's doing very well. Violet had a little bit of an off day today, but the doctor believes it's because she needed a blood transfusion. So, as I type, my little sweetheart is getting a blood transfusion. She's up to 20 mls on her feeds and they started her on vitamins today. After her feeding, she threw up. I have a feeling that everything was just a little much for her today (meaning the 20 mls and the vitamins). I forgot to mention that Cameron is also back on feedings (2.5. mls).

I'm so tired of people looking at me. It sounds weird, but I feel so uncomfortable because I know people are studying how I look and how I'm acting. I know most people are just concerned and trying to help, but I've never had so many people study me and comment on my appearance in my life. It's a strange feeling and it's starting to get to me. Even if it's a compliment, it still feels awkward.

So many people have been so wonderful and caring throughout all of this. You certainly realize how many people truly care for you when you go through something like this. You also realize there are some people that just don't get it or are even more self-absorbed than you thought. Those aren't the people that matter, though. The people we've been focusing on are the TONS that are praying for us, supporting us, and helping us get through this nightmare. We are lucky to have so many awesome people in our lives... and even some that aren't really in our lives at all! I received adorable and thoughtful gifts from one of my best friend's future mother-in-law yesterday. I had never even met her, but she told me how happy she was for us. And she's certainly not the only one who has been so generous and thoughtful. Between all of the gifts, messages, visits, phone calls and help, we're somehow surviving.

Thank you to all of you. Someday Violet and Cameron will know how much love and support they received while our family was going through this difficult time. I will make sure that they realize how amazing it all has been. Keep praying for the loves of my life.

One Week Old!

My babies are one week old today. What a week it’s been. This roller coaster of emotions is unreal and I’ve reached a level exhaustion that I’ve never imagined.  Recovering from a c-section is not a pleasant experience at all!  I can’t believe people who say that it was a breeze. I’m STILL pretty damn sore and it’s a week later. I get my staples removed today so hopefully it’ll start to feel a little better after those are out.

The first few days in the NICU were like a really long and weird dream. It’s so hard to go into that room and just stare at them in their little beds. Seeing them hooked up to all those monitors and ivs was absolutely heartbreaking. It still is, but I don’t allow myself to really look at it or dwell on it. If I think too much about any of this, I’ll have a breakdown. I’ve had a ton since last week. Things could be perfectly normal and all of a sudden I’m crying. I want them to be home so badly it makes me sick. I wish I could just take them in my arms and protect them in the way a mother is supposed to protect them. I feel so much like I’ve failed. I couldn’t stay pregnant for them and now I can’t do anything to help them. They are my babies and I’m supposed to be the one person in the world that can take care of them and fix everything. Instead, they are laying in incubators fighting for their lives. I’ll be sorry forever that I can’t do anything about that. I’ll be sorry forever that they have had to work so hard just to breathe. I know my babies are strong and they are fighters, but it’s not fair that they had to be so early in life. The hard stuff is supposed to be later in life… not right when you’re born.

Our sweet little flower is doing amazing. She has been off the ventilator for days now and is close to breathing completely on her own and getting feedings.  Dennis went to see her this morning and told me she still has a small hole that needs to close inside of her (patent ductus arteriosus) that we were hoping would close on its own. Since it’s not, they will give her some meds and if that doesn’t work they will have to do surgery. I’m praying so hard that the meds work. I know the surgery is a common practice in the NICU, but I don’t want my baby to have to go through surgery. Please pray for her. Other than that, Violet is doing great. I got to change her diaper twice the other day and then yesterday I got to HOLD HER IN MY ARMS. It was the most incredible, special moment of my life. My brother was there so he was able to take pictures for me. She was so tiny and sweet. She tried to keep her eyes open the entire time and she just stared at me. Violet knew her mommy was holding her. I think she enjoyed the moment as much as I did. It was so special and I will never, ever forget that moment.

My little buddy is doing well, too. He’s a little behind the princess, but according to the nurses he has “wimpy white boy syndrome”. Apparently, the babies that do the best in there are black females. White boys tend to progress the slowest.  So, I wish my little munchkin wasn’t playing that role, but he is.  He is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen I my life. Whenever I go over there and start to talk to him, he tries so hard to open his eyes and look at me. He grabs onto my finger and pulls so hard like he doesn’t want me to leave. It breaks my heart whenever I have to let go. I could stand there with him like that forever. He’s such a sweet boy. I think he’s a mama’s boy. Cam has the same pda issue as Violet. Round one of the meds shrank the hole, but didn’t close it. The nurses are all convinced that once that pda is closed, his breathing will improve and he’ll finally be able to come off the ventilator. I hope they’re right. He makes me so nervous. Say extra, special prayers for my buddy. He needs them.

As I sit here blogging, tears are pouring down my face and making all of the words blurry. It’s similar to how this past week and a half has been for us. Everything is blurry and it’s hard to focus on one thing. If you look too much into the future, it seems like this nightmare has no end. It’s hard to take everything day by day, but that’s what life has become. We’re doing our best to take joy from the little successes. Dennis said that when he went today, Violet was sucking on a pacifier! That little princess is amazing. Cam is our little fighter… he just needs a little push to get him going. I hope this pda thing will be his little push.

Our lives have changed so much. Everything is overwhelming and surreal. The one thing that has remained constant through it all is the love we have for each other and now the love we have for our sweet babies. Even though they aren’t with me constantly, they are in my heart and on my mind constantly. I never knew I could love anything so much… and lucky me, I have TWO of those little angels. Keep praying for them, please… keep sending us your positive vibes and words of encouragement. We have a long journey ahead of us, but I know it’ll be worth it when we reach our destination. I know everything will be perfect when we get to bring our babies to where they belong—home.

Miracles-Part Two

In the days leading up to the birth of my twins, I was in the most physical and emotional pain I’ve ever been through. I didn’t know how much the human mind and body can endure until this experience was over. Without the love and support of hundreds of people… LITERALLY hundreds…. I wouldn’t have made it through.

The room I was assigned was a good sized room with my own bathroom and a (very) little sofa. Oh yeah, and my bed… which was a DELIVERY bed. They were so convinced that I was ready to go at any minute that I had to stay in a DELIVERY bed for 4 days. Those of you that have been on a delivery bed know that it’s not a “bed” because there is absolutely no support. It comes apart in different places and the bottom is lower than the top half. This is the space I was confined to for four days. I wasn’t allowed to get up to do ANYTHING. The nurses couldn’t put a catheter in because they were too worried that it would break my water bag. Bed pans for 4 days. Guess who changed them every, single time? My amazing husband. I will forever be indebted to Dennis for everything he did for me during this time and how he never complained once. He didn’t complain while I asked him to get the excess hair off of my face that the babies were causing, he didn’t complain after he changed the bed pan and 10 minutes later I had to pee again, he didn’t complain when he had to brush my hair and hold my spit cup when I brushed my teeth. I don’t quite think this is how he imagined taking care of his 30 year old wife… 90 maybe… but not 30. He was great, though and I love him so much because of it.

Being confined to a bed is awful. Being confined to a bed and being on the worst drugs imaginable is hell. I was on a bunch of things, but the med that had the worst side effects was the magnesium. I was on the highest dose possible to stop the contractions. Side effects that I was warned about: flu like symptoms, fatigue, change in vision, headaches, change in breathing, and nausea. I experienced all of them. On Saturday, my eyes were so swollen I couldn’t even open them. When I did open them, it didn’t matter because everything was blurry. I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was going to die… pretty sure I thought that. Sounds dramatic, I know, but I wish I was kidding. Finally, the nurse called to check if I was getting too much of the magnesium because of my awful reactions. When she got the results, she said that the toxic level is 7.4 and mine was at 7.1. Yikes. No wonder!

The nurses were all acting as if I was going to be there for weeks. They were telling me to try to get comfortable because it was going to be my life for several weeks. I couldn’t imagine it. I had feelings of immense guilt because I just wanted it to end, but I knew that they only way it would end would be if I delivered the babies. The doctors, on the other hand, were acting like I was going to deliver the babies within the next hour. The conflicting opinions made matters even worse because we had NO CLUE what our lives were going to be like.

I really struggled with the fact that I went in on Friday morning thinking I was just going to get a shot and be sent home. I was already bummed that I had to miss a day of work. Now, I had to face the reality that my “life” as I knew it was over. No more working, no more house, no more dog… nothing. Everything had disappeared that morning and trying to cope and deal with that seemed like torture.

Aside from the selfish feelings of wanting everything to be over and done with, there was even more guilt that came through because of the situation. I started thinking about how it was MY selfish decision to go through with fertility treatments, how it was MY selfish decision to agree to put in two embryos as opposed to one, how it was MY fault these babies weren’t going to stay in me much longer. I was doing this to myself and to them. I still don’t think I’m completely past all of those feelings, but they were at an all-time high during my time in my Labor and Delivery Prison.

The one positive thing I can say about that miserable, crazy 4 days ( I won’t bore you with all the horrible details… we’ll keep this story moving along) is that my nurses were AMAZING. I’ve always had the utmost respect for nurses, but this has taken it to a new level. Without their support, encouragement, and compassion this ordeal could’ve absolutely put me over the edge. So, thank you to the Labor and Delivery nurses at Christ Hospital---you were truly a blessing for me and my family.

So, like I said, I won’t get into the misery of those 4 days. Let’s move along to Monday night… the night before my precious babies came into the world. I’ll never forget trying to pretend that everything was normal. We sat in my room watching the Bears play the Lions for Monday Night Football. I tried to get into it, but something was distracting me—contractions. I let the nurse know and she called the doctor to see what he wanted to do. They were getting a little closer together and more painful by halftime. When the doctor answered, he said to put me back on the magnesium. “God, help me” was all I kept thinking to myself. I knew at this point I had to mentally leave my body. I asked God to protect me and more importantly the babies, but I was mentally checking out. The whole four days had been somewhat of an out of body experience, but I knew that I couldn’t do this.

Once the mag started pumping through my veins again, the contractions were expected to cease. They did not. They kept coming… stronger, longer, and closer together. At about 3am when the nurses started calling the doctors to come check me, I woke Dennis up and told him to text my sister. Dennis wasn’t convinced that anything was actually going to happen so he held off. I knew, though. I knew that this was it.

The doctors refused to check to see if I was dilated because they didn’t want to stir anything up, so they brought in an ultrasound machine. That was the last time I would see my babies on an ultrasound machine. There they were… 26 weeks was all the time they were going to get inside of me. 26 weeks was all the time I was going to get to feel them inside of me. 26 weeks was all the time I was going to get to be pregnant after working so hard to get there. Even though I was terrified, I knew things were happening and there was nothing I could do about it. So, again, I felt as though I left my body. Sure, I felt the pain of the contractions and my heart beating out of my chest and the convulsions I was having because I was so nervous, but I knew I had to do it. I had to be strong for my babies. My body was so unbelievably weak considering I hadn’t even walked in that past, oh, 80 hours or so.

At about 4:15, my nurse told me that my doctor was on his way and we were going to get ready for surgery. Dennis was texting my sister and soon my family would be on their way to the hospital yet again.

It was time. The anesthesiologist came and met with me minutes before I was wheeled down to surgery. Once we were in the room, he asked me to roll onto a table that seemed like it was about 2ft long and 2ft wide. I wondered how in the world I was going to maneuver myself onto the table and then stay there, but it worked. Seconds later, I was told to sit up so I could receive the spinal. I remember putting my arms on the nurse and then feeling numerous surges of piercing pain going all through me. It didn’t last long and then I was flat on my back. It seemed like I waited for hours before Dennis was finally by my side. During that waiting period, I felt the meds start to creep up my body. I hated the feeling of losing feeling in my body. Just when I started to panic, I’d try to breathe through it and tell myself it would all be over soon. The worst part of losing feeling was that I felt like I was forgetting to breathe. I had to keep sucking in huge breaths as if I forgot and just remembered to breathe.

My doctor began the surgery. It seemed like hours of pulling and ripping and pressure before he finally pulled out Baby A and announced that it was a girl. It breaks my heart that I never heard my baby cry (she couldn’t)  or saw her little face right after she was born. There was an entire team in there just for her. Once they stabilized her, they took her immediately to the NICU. Violet Laurie was born at 5:51 am and was 2 lbs 2 oz. Minutes later, 5:55 to be exact, my sweet Cameron Patrick came into this world. Again, I heard and saw nothing, but I knew his team was working on him, as well. Soon, the babies were both gone and my surgery was wrapping up. All I remember thinking was how I felt like the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz when he’s getting put back together. The feeling was disgusting. ..so disgusting that I started vomiting. The anesthesiologist stood next to me as I continued to dry heave and vomit. I remember saying to Dennis over and over, “Am I okay? Are the babies okay? Am I okay? Are they okay?” It was all I cared about and it was all I could manage to say. Dennis also likes to add that I kept pushing his hand away… which I don’t remember. Sorry, honey!

After I was all stapled up, they took me to a recovery room for a little while where I continued to puke and come in and out of sleeping (I think). Dennis went into the waiting room and found more than just my immediate family. He told them that everything went well and I had given birth to a sweet baby boy and a sweet baby girl. My sister said that as soon as she saw his face she knew everything was okay.

My babies were born. I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t believe it. My sweet little preemies were taken to the NICU.

Enough for now… Part 3 will be a long soon.