My babies are one week old today. What a week it’s been. This
roller coaster of emotions is unreal and I’ve reached a level exhaustion that I’ve
never imagined. Recovering from a
c-section is not a pleasant experience at all!
I can’t believe people who say that it was a breeze. I’m STILL pretty
damn sore and it’s a week later. I get my staples removed today so hopefully it’ll
start to feel a little better after those are out.
The first few days in the NICU were like a really long and
weird dream. It’s so hard to go into that room and just stare at them in their
little beds. Seeing them hooked up to all those monitors and ivs was absolutely
heartbreaking. It still is, but I don’t allow myself to really look at it or
dwell on it. If I think too much about any of this, I’ll have a breakdown. I’ve
had a ton since last week. Things could be perfectly normal and all of a sudden
I’m crying. I want them to be home so badly it makes me sick. I wish I could
just take them in my arms and protect them in the way a mother is supposed to
protect them. I feel so much like I’ve failed. I couldn’t stay pregnant for
them and now I can’t do anything to help them. They are my babies and I’m
supposed to be the one person in the world that can take care of them and fix
everything. Instead, they are laying in incubators fighting for their lives. I’ll
be sorry forever that I can’t do anything about that. I’ll be sorry forever
that they have had to work so hard just to breathe. I know my babies are strong
and they are fighters, but it’s not fair that they had to be so early in life. The
hard stuff is supposed to be later in life… not right when you’re born.
Our sweet little flower is doing amazing. She has been off
the ventilator for days now and is close to breathing completely on her own and
getting feedings. Dennis went to see her
this morning and told me she still has a small hole that needs to close inside
of her (patent ductus arteriosus) that we were hoping would close on its own.
Since it’s not, they will give her some meds and if that doesn’t work they will
have to do surgery. I’m praying so hard that the meds work. I know the surgery
is a common practice in the NICU, but I don’t want my baby to have to go
through surgery. Please pray for her. Other than that, Violet is doing great. I
got to change her diaper twice the other day and then yesterday I got to HOLD
HER IN MY ARMS. It was the most incredible, special moment of my life. My brother
was there so he was able to take pictures for me. She was so tiny and sweet.
She tried to keep her eyes open the entire time and she just stared at me. Violet
knew her mommy was holding her. I think she enjoyed the moment as much as I did.
It was so special and I will never, ever forget that moment.
My little buddy is doing well, too. He’s a little behind the
princess, but according to the nurses he has “wimpy white boy syndrome”. Apparently,
the babies that do the best in there are black females. White boys tend to
progress the slowest. So, I wish my
little munchkin wasn’t playing that role, but he is. He is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen I my
life. Whenever I go over there and start to talk to him, he tries so hard to
open his eyes and look at me. He grabs onto my finger and pulls so hard like he
doesn’t want me to leave. It breaks my heart whenever I have to let go. I could
stand there with him like that forever. He’s such a sweet boy. I think he’s a
mama’s boy. Cam has the same pda issue as Violet. Round one of the meds shrank
the hole, but didn’t close it. The nurses are all convinced that once that pda
is closed, his breathing will improve and he’ll finally be able to come off the
ventilator. I hope they’re right. He makes me so nervous. Say extra, special
prayers for my buddy. He needs them.
As I sit here blogging, tears are pouring down my face and
making all of the words blurry. It’s similar to how this past week and a half
has been for us. Everything is blurry and it’s hard to focus on one thing. If you
look too much into the future, it seems like this nightmare has no end. It’s
hard to take everything day by day, but that’s what life has become. We’re
doing our best to take joy from the little successes. Dennis said that when he
went today, Violet was sucking on a pacifier! That little princess is amazing.
Cam is our little fighter… he just needs a little push to get him going. I hope
this pda thing will be his little push.
Our lives have changed so much. Everything is overwhelming
and surreal. The one thing that has remained constant through it all is the
love we have for each other and now the love we have for our sweet babies. Even
though they aren’t with me constantly, they are in my heart and on my mind
constantly. I never knew I could love anything so much… and lucky me, I have
TWO of those little angels. Keep praying for them, please… keep sending us your
positive vibes and words of encouragement. We have a long journey ahead of us,
but I know it’ll be worth it when we reach our destination. I know everything
will be perfect when we get to bring our babies to where they belong—home.
