Reality

Beginning these blogs is getting harder and harder. I don’t know how to start them anymore because I don’t know what to say. I definitely still feel like I’m living someone else’s life. I just keep waiting to wake up and still be pregnant. I’m waiting to hear my alarm go off at 6am, to complain that I have to go to work, but go anyway. Waiting to walk through the doors at school and pick up where I left off… moving into Persuasive writing in Language and… I seriously don’t even remember where we were going in Reading. Waiting for my next doctor’s appointment or my next ultrasound… waiting to get bigger and bigger and more excited to deliver the babies. And then reality hits (again and again) like a ton of bricks. I never thought it would be so hard to adjust to reality and to something that happened almost 3 weeks ago. Nevertheless, here I am struggling every day.

The other night, in the middle of the night I awoke from a nightmare about Cameron. I woke up crying and had a sick feeling about it. That day I planned on going to the hospital a little later, but after the dream I just couldn’t wait and went up early. Right when I got there, Cameron’s nurse told me that he had a bad night. He stopped responding to his ventilator and then wasn’t responding when they “bagged” him either. I guess the whole episode only lasted seconds. After the episode, his doctor said that they realized the tube for his ventilator was a little small for him so they gave him a bigger one. He’s been fine since then. We also received the news that Cameron would need the surgery to close the PDA. Yesterday my sweet baby had his PDA ligation surgery. He did well and the surgery was a success. The doctor told us it’s normal for babies to get sicker the first 24 hours after the surgery, but then they normally pick back up. I was hoping this wouldn’t be the case with Cameron and that he would immediately start doing better. Of course, this doesn’t seem to be the case. Overnight and throughout this morning Cameron was having blood pressure issues. He also has some fluid in his lungs. He’s been put on meds and, again, I’ve been reassured that all of this is perfectly normal. His doctor still expects a full turn around for him and expects him to start progressing very soon. We know our little man will do this, but that doesn’t make it any less terrifying and worrisome for us. I love my sweet, little boy so much. I wish I could give him all of my strength and then some. Before the surgery, I had some kangaroo care time with Cameron. It was amazing, of course.  Also, for the first time, my husband got kangaroo time with him. It was wonderful.

Miss Violet is doing beautifully. My tiny princess is now on feeds at 15 mls!  They were able to stop her iv fluids tonight because she’s now getting enough nutrition from her feeds. According to the doctor, this is a very big step in her progress! She’s also doing very well respiratory wise and may soon be on a high flow machine. I’m hoping that will mean that little mask will come off and I’ll get to see her beautiful face a lot more often. I’m so proud of her for doing so well. What a little fighter we have. I have a feeling she’s going to be a little feisty. Between Violet and me, Dennis and Cameron are in big trouble.

Our little family is having a rough time, but we’re getting through it. I hope the babies feel our strength and presence as we go through this together. I hope they can feel how much we love them and how much we are praying for their health. Our friends and family are wonderful and continue to pray for us and send us their positive vibes all the time. We are very lucky to have such a great support system.

Still not much milk… at all. Still have the infection.  The road to recovery isn’t an easy one, but if my babies can deal with what they’re dealing with, then I can certainly keep dealing with this stuff.

I’m scared every second of my life now. I’m trying to be more positive and I think I’m starting to feel more normal, but the guilt and sadness will just not relent. Hopefully, as time progresses, and our babies get bigger and stronger, things will get better for all of us. For now, we will continue to visit, love, support and pray for our babies.

January Never Seemed So Far Away

My heart hurts tonight. I’ve never felt pain like the kind I’ve been experiencing. I know the babies are getting the care they need, but it just doesn’t make it any easier to not have them with me. Leaving them makes me so sick every single time. I just don’t know how I’m going to do this until January. That month seems like it’s an eternity away from now. Everyone keeps telling me to look at it day by day and I know that’s what I need to do, but I can’t help but think about the 3 months that I won’t have my babies here with me. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how I can figure out how to do this. I have so many “moments” throughout the day where I just cry and cry. My guilt has not subsided. I know it doesn’t make sense to blame myself, but I have to blame someone for all of this. Who else would I blame?

My milk isn’t coming in. I’m only getting a few drops (if I’m lucky) when I pump. The lactation nurse thinks that it’s because I had PCOS. Yet another thing that I can’t do to help my babies… I was counting on this being the one thing I could do to help them get big and strong and now I can’t do this, either. I started taking Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle because the nurse recommended both of the herbal supplements. Everything says that you should be able to tell if it’s working within the first 24 hours. I’m not very optimistic right now considering I’m still getting the same amount of milk. My next move would be to talk to my doctor and see if there is something he can prescribe to help out. The stupid infection is still here... and making things very difficult for me. One might think that going to the hospital and hanging out with the babies isn't that big of a deal and could be relaxing. I've yet to have a relaxing day with them. Between dividing my time between them, pumping, visitors, bathroom visits, gauze changes, etc. it's busy, busy, busy.

The results of Cam’s test still haven’t been read, but the nurse and neonatologist said that they both believe he will need the surgery. If this is the case (which I’m sure it is), it should happen early next week. At this point, now that we know it’s probably happening, I just want it to happen already so he can start to progress. He’s such a little sweetie and he breaks my heart every day. I have a feeling he’s a mama’s boy and he’s going to need me a lot more than our little flower. Our little flower, who is doing extremely well! She’s doing everything she’s supposed to and she’s even sucking on a little pacifier! It’s so cute. Her breathing is good, but I hope she can get off that machine soon so I can always see her little face. The mask and the headband that holds it in place, makes it so hard to see her face. She’s also feeding now—up to 2.5 mls every 2 hours. What a good girl! I’ve gotten to hold her a couple of times and we’ve done kangaroo care with her a couple of time, as well. I’ve also gotten to do kangaroo care with Cameron! Our wonderful nurse for Cameron thought Cam and I both needed it. She couldn’t have been more right. It was perfect. I love my sweet babies so much.

Thank you to all of you for all of your love and support. We don’t know what we’d do without you. Please continue to pray for our family.