The Blog Post I Just Can't Write

It has certainly been a while! Honestly, I have no time to sit and gather my thoughts these days. I wish I did and hope that I will be able to blog on a regular basis someday soon! As for now...

a few people have asked me if I'm going to blog about the death of my Grammy or about her in general. I've tried a couple of times. I can't. I really feel like my words will not do her justice. My writing cannot express what a beautiful person she was. Words cannot describe what it was like to be there when she passed. It's the blog post that I just can't write... not yet, at least.

On another note, Violet and Cameron are getting SO BIG! I'm not sure how much they weigh right now, but I do know Cam has more than a couple of pounds on Violet. He is SUCH a goofball these days. I thought he would always be a sweet and sensitive little angel... I was wrong. I can't believe what a beast he's become! He has this laugh/cough/scream that he does to impress people. It's hilarious and ridiculous. He throws tantrums, sleeps it off and then wakes up with the biggest, cutest smile in the world. I can't believe how big he is and how much he's grown developmentally. He grabs things constantly and really studies them as he's playing. Cameron's way of transportation is rolling. He'll start at one end of the room and 2 minutes later, he's on the other side. We had to put the gate up by the stairs because he would roll right down if we let him. He's much more high maintenance than I imagined him being or than he was when he was an infant, but he's also the cutest and funniest baby I've ever seen. He brings such joy to our hearts and every time I think I couldn't love him more, I see that smile and fall in love all over again.

Miss Violet has also made some major changes. She is such a laid back and calm baby now. It's really incredible. She is sweet and sensitive and just precious. I took a picture of her the other day while holding her baby and sucking her thumb... I honestly don't think she could be any more adorable. At night, when Violet starts to get tired, all I have to do is put her in bed and she starts sucking her thumb and falls asleep (for the whole night, at that!). I think she knows that after a long day, Mommy needs a break. She's a very serious girl... she's a hard one to crack. However, when she does decide that you are worth a smile or laugh, it's well worth the wait because it is so perfect. She's such a curious girl. You can tell that she's really trying to figure things out when she's playing with them or when she's staring at someone. She's our precious little flower and we couldn't love anything more.

We're taking the babies to the doctor in a few weeks so I'll be sure to update everyone on their progress and their weights!

I Still Have All of my Grandparents

                When our old dog, Muffy, became old and sick, my parents made the tough decision to put her down. Muffy started to avoid us, it was hard for her to get around, go to the bathroom, etc. She was in pain and we knew it. When our second family dog, Dixie, became ill with cancer, it didn’t take long for her to get lethargic. We could tell she was in pain and it was becoming hard for her to breathe. My mom knew it was time to send her to a better place so she would be at peace. We love our animals so much that instead of watching them suffer, we have a way to gently put them to sleep forever. We are able to give them a quiet, easy, painless send off to doggy heaven. While it’s not easy to do, it’s certainly easier than watching that poor, helpless animal suffer.

                Why then, do we, as humans, not have the option to gently be sent to our final resting place? Why are we forced to watch our loved ones suffer?  When we KNOW it’s someone’s time to go, but his body just isn’t letting him, why is it wrong to want to end their suffering? Why isn’t there a way to just make a slow and painful transition a little easier? It’s not fair.

                I’ve never had someone close to me die. I’m 31 years old and I STILL have all of my grandparents here on Earth.  That was probably the last time I will be able to say that, though. I’ve had 31 years of love with my beautiful Grammy, but it just hasn’t been enough. Some people are just too amazing to leave this world. She’s one of those people. One of the worst parts of her impending death is watching and waiting for her to pass. None of us want her to go, but none of us want her to suffer anymore. She has been trapped in her body for about 7 years now suffering from dementia and all we want is for her to be able to laugh and smile again.

                We thought we were going to lose Grammy last week, but our sweet angel has held on for almost a week now. We think she just loves us so much she doesn’t want to leave! While these past few days have been some of the most painful of my life, there are beautiful moments blended in, as well. I’m not going to go into detail about the amazing and incredible moments our family has shared with Grammy this past week because they are moments meant just for us, but I will say that we will treasure them forever and we know that Grammy is loving every second of these beautiful moments. Our family might not do things traditionally, but we know how to have fun, how to laugh, and how to love. Grammy wouldn’t want us to be doing things any other way. The one moment that I will share is one that I will hold near to my heart forever and ever. As I held Grammy’s hand and cried, I asked her if she would watch over my babies. She popped her eyes open, stared at me and squeezed my hand. It was one of the most precious moments of my life and I knew that she would always be Cameron’s and Violet’s special angel.

                This is awful… painful… and horribly, horribly sad. Grammy doesn’t deserve this. Our family doesn’t deserve this. No good person deserves something like this. The world works in mysterious ways. I wish I understood why certain people get sick or why people have to suffer.  I just have to remember and believe that a sweet soul never dies. She will live on somewhere beautiful and perfect and peaceful.  She will live on in our hearts and memories until we are able to see her again in that perfect, peaceful place.

Ohana

I love my family. I love us because we stand up for ourselves and each other. I love us because we are strong. I love us because we are bossy. I love us because we talk over each other and think we’re right all of the time. I love us because we know how to have fun. I love us because we appreciate each other and all that we have been blessed with. I love us because we can laugh together and cry together. I love us because we're alike. I love us because we are different. Most of all, though, I think what I love the most is the fact that the SECOND someone calls to say something is wrong or someone needs help, we are all of a sudden in our cars driving to  the person who needs us. We love each other. We’re there for each other no matter what. I have been so blessed with such a strong, loving and supportive family. We wouldn’t make it without each other and we know that. It doesn’t matter if we have differences or little arguments or disagreements here and there. What matters is that we are family and family means no one gets left behind. Thank God for my family.

First Mother's Day

My first Mother’s Day was perfect. I woke up to TWO happy, smiling babies babbling in their room and waiting to be picked up. My heart melts every morning when I go into their room because they get so happy to see me. It’s so adorably precious.

After we fed the babies, Dennis gave me my gift from him and then one from Cam and Violet. From Dennis, I received two Pandora charms—since October has two birth stones, he got one of each for the babies. Then, he gave me my gift from Cameron and Violet and it couldn’t have been more perfect. It was a 3 picture frame. In the middle was a collage of the babies and on each side their handprints. It’s already hanging in the bedroom so I can see it before I go to sleep and when I wake up. He really did a great job for my first Mother’s Day.

We went to my sister’s for the day (sorry you were so sick, Amy!) and had a nice time.  It’s amazing to watch our family grow and by the end of this coming October it will grow even more. I can’t wait to meet my new niece or nephew, but I already warned him or her that coming out at 26 weeks is just unacceptable.

So many times throughout this day, I would just look at the babies and my eyes would fill up with tears. I’m such a lucky woman to have been blessed with Violet and Cameron. I wouldn’t be half the mom I am if I didn’t give credit to my awesome mom. My mom has done nothing but work hard her whole life both inside and outside of the home to give us everything we could’ve ever needed or wanted. She’s caring, loving, hardworking, patient, selfless and just plain awesome. Not only would I have no idea how to be a mother without her, but I honestly have no idea how I would’ve made it through the past year without her. When we were trying to get pregnant, when I was pregnant, when I was in the hospital, throughout our hospital stay, and now that they are home, she has been here for me every single step of the way. I’ve tried to tell her how much I appreciate her for it, but I don’t think she’ll ever really understand the depth of my gratitude.

To all the moms out there-thanks for warning me about how tough this would be… oh, wait… you didn’t really. Haha. God bless every single hardworking and loving mom out there. It truly is the toughest job in the world, but also the more rewarding.

To all the moms-to-be—it’s no joke. This shit is real and it’s crazy and it’s hard. No one is kidding about it. They aren’t exaggerating. Best of luck with this amazing experience… it’s worth it. And you will thank God for every single second with your angel.

To all of the hopeful mommies-to-be- I’ve been there. It sucks. It’s painful and sad and disappointing. But if and when it happens, as soon as you see your baby on your first ultrasound you will no longer be angry that you had to struggle. You will appreciate everything so very much and you will be a better mommy because of it.

Love to all of you wonderful women.

The One Who Doesn't Get Enough Credit

My husband.  He’s the one who doesn’t get enough credit. My husband works hard, works long hours, is  just as tired as I am, and still comes home and immediately grabs a baby. He’s amazing. I know he doesn’t think the same way, but I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. When I was waiting to have the babies in the hospital, Dennis was there sleeping on a couch and waiting on my bed-ridden self for four days straight. When the babies arrived, he shuffled dozens of people in and out of the NICU because he was so proud of our miracles. I’d never seen that look on his face. I knew he was nervous and scared about what was to come, but I could see how much he was beaming at the fact that he had a beautiful daughter and an precious son.

My heart melted (and still does) every time he would talk about them with such pride and their futures with such confidence. I needed that more than anything at the time and he was one of the only people to give it to me. I’ll be forever grateful to him for being there for me, but more importantly, being there for our children.

Every morning, my husband traveled to the hospital to spend even just a half hour with the babies before work. Then, after work, he would try his hardest to get there as early as possible and when the time finally came, for feedings. It was incredible.

I’m still trying to get through each day and night juggling the babies, the thoughts of the birth and NICU experience and the fact that my life has drastically changed. It’s beyond frustrating and I take it out on him. I take it out on him when he gets home at 6:40 instead of 6:15. That 25 minutes feels like an eternity to me and I am so exhausted and DONE that I just want to cry. I take it out on him. He doesn’t deserve it. Ideally, he deserves to come home to a happy wife and two smiling babies—it rarely happens. He takes it all in stride, and gives me space and allows me to take out my frustration on him, but it’s not fair. I know this. I’m going to try much harder to be a better friend, teammate and wife.

We’ve been through a lot together.  We make an awesome team.  I don’t want to ruin that. When I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, he was able to show me a little glimmer. When I wanted to give up, he held my hand and encouraged me. When I don’t have any confidence, he builds me up and supports me like no one ever has.

So, to the one who doesn’t get enough credit: I apologize. I love you with all of my heart. There is no one in the world that I would rather have as the father of our babies. You are an amazing dad. They know it already… I can tell by the way Cameron laughs with you or the way Violet calms down in your arms. We are so lucky to have you.  We know we can all be a lot to handle, but we’re worth it… we promise. Stick around for us, will ya? We love you… and kinda need you.

Yep... Still Miracles

A couple of weeks ago, the babies had their follow up appointments at the children’s hospital. At these appointments (that they will go to every 3 months until they are 2 years old) they see a nurse, a neonatologist, a physical therapist and an occupational therapist. As we made the turn onto 95^th street, I could see the hospital. Automatically, my stomach turned and my eyes filled with tears.  So, as we approached the hospital, I became more and more anxious.

We didn’t have to wait too long… maybe 20 minutes in the lobby. However, from the time we arrived to the time we walked out the door to leave was 3 hours! The babies were crabby as hell and hungry since they refused to take their bottles cold. It was pretty much a nightmare.

The neonatologist said they looked great and he didn’t have any concerns. We were extremely relieved and anxious for pt/ot to come into the room. By the time they did come into the room, both babies had reached their breaking points. It wasn’t pretty. After playing around with both of the babies, they came to the conclusion that they wanted to refer Cameron to early intervention for a couple of reasons. The first reason was that he favors his right side. He sleeps on this side of his head and tends to want to turn this way. The second reason was because he makes fists a lot. He actually barely opened his hands for them, but I knew that he did it often at home. Either way, they referred him and decided to refer Violet, as well, just so she could get into the system. The early intervention coordinator came by last week and set up the appointment for this afternoon.

As much as I know the babies are doing well, it just really sucks that I have a constant anxious feeling about their growth and development. I hate when I’m reminded that they are preemies and that they could have major health or developmental problems.

The physical therapist, developmental therapist and coordinator arrived at noon and right away I was very comfortable with them. They weren’t intimidating or there to just do a job. They were great with the babies and really explained everything they were looking for in great detail. They asked a bunch of questions about each of the babies and the pregnancy and then assessed each baby individually. When they were finished they exchanged a glance and a few quick words and then told me that NEITHER baby qualifies for any early intervention at this time. BOTH of my amazing miracle babies are perfectly on target for their adjusted ages. I couldn’t help but cry as they told me how wonderful they think the babies are doing and how impressed they are with their progress and current ability levels.  I listened as I cried (and made the developmental therapist cry, as well!) all while thanking God to have been blessed with such perfect miracles. It astounds me every single day of their lives how incredible they are, how hard they fought and how proud I am of them.  While I still can’t believe everything happened the way it did… and it still haunts me every night… I’ll never forget how lucky I am to be Violet’s and Cameron’s mommy. I must’ve done something right in my life to deserve these miracles.

The developmental therapist was wonderful and gave me her contact information if I ever have any questions down the road. The road is not finished as they have many milestones to accomplish, but this one was huge. She also recommended the book, “Touchpoints” by Dr. T Berry Brazelton, MD. I just ordered it on Amazon so I’ll let everyone know how that turns out!