Progesterone Sucks

This is going to be a bit of a complaining post so if you don't want to hear it, don't read it. Don't get me wrong here... I am beyond happy and excited about the twinkies. Everything would be perfect right now if I wasn't still on the STUPID progesterone injections. I've taken them for 37 days straight now. I want to throw up when I think about them. Ladies going through the ivf process: this is by FAR the most physically painful and trying part. I barely sleep because of the pain and I have to decline invitations to go certain places because I know I can't handle how uncomfortable it would be. On each side of my butt, I now have tennis ball sized "tumors" (for lack of a better word). I ice, I heat, I take tylenol, I rest it, I try to work it, and nothing seems to ease the pain. Aside from the injections, I'm feeling pretty good. I am pretty tired, but that could be because I'm not sleeping well. I would really feel pretty great if it wasn't for these injections.

I told you it would be a complaining post. I wasn't kidding. As hard as it is, I know it's all worth it.I just had to vent about this nonsense.

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I promised there was a surprise...

As the days until my first ultrasound slowly went by, my denial slowly overwhelmed me. By the time June 1^st had finally rolled around I had prepared myself for the worst. I kept replaying the scenario in my head: the ultrasound tech would be silent, get the doctor and he would say something like, “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing in there”. I was mentally ready for the bad news.

When I told people about my feelings they thought I was crazy or asked, “Why on earth would you think like that???” I wish I knew the answer. My best guess is that I was doing what I did every month which was prepare for the worst so I can deal with it sooner and then move on. Throughout the week and a half before the ultrasound I was feeling nauseous and lightheaded quite often. I also took a couple of naps which I NEVER do. A couple of tell-tale signs that I was definitely pregnant, but I ignored them… I told myself that maybe I was just imagining it. Infertility not only has a major impact on a person physically, but also mentally.

On the way to the doctor, Dennis tried talking to me, but I told him I just couldn’t. He understood, told me everything would be okay and just held my hand. He’s going to make a great dad.

So… here we are… finally… at MY FIRST ULTRASOUND for a PREGNANCY!!! I was shaking on the inside and outside. We barely waited five minutes before we were called back. It wasn’t my regular ultrasound tech, but the woman had done one or two for me before throughout ivf. She was very nice and got started as soon as I changed and sat up on the table.

My heart was pounding out of my chest, but I was so ready for this moment. As she moved the wand(?) around inside of me, she stared at the screen expressionless for what seemed like hours. I’m sure it was about 5 seconds in reality. Before I knew it, she turned the screen toward me and was smiling. I will NEVER forget that moment and what I saw. Not ONE, but TWO dark circles. I immediately asked, “Does that mean two?” She smiled and said yes. Dennis flew up out of his chair to me and I started crying tears of relief and joy. 

Dennis held my arm and we both couldn’t stop smiling. She measured both of our sweet babies and typed in: SHEPPARD TWINS onto the screen. My heart melted. She showed us Baby A first. Baby A’s little heartbeat was 99 precious beats per minute and Baby B’s was 101. We were even able to see their little hearts beating. Absolutely incredible. I went from having one beating heart inside of me to three. 

We spoke with the doctor shortly after the ultrasound and he explained that sometimes one baby disappears before the next ultrasound and that we should think about refraining from telling people. Yeah right. I called my mom as soon as we got into the car. Soon thereafter we text and called all of the people we care about the most. We just found out we’re having twins… there’s NO WAY we could keep that a secret.

So, here we are. We’ve known for 3 days that we’re having twins. So far it’s been a roller coaster of emotions. I go from wanting to freak out and cry tears of anxiety and fear to being so ridiculously happy my eyes fill with tears of joy and peace. We’re so very happy. We don’t exactly know what we’re in for here, but we’re ready. We can do anything together. We made it through infertility and came out with twins. These babies can’t be any worse than progesterone shots every night :-)

I know so many of my friends and family read this. I cannot thank you guys enough for being there to support, encourage, and love us. These babies are already so loved. Thank you from the bottom of my heart… and the heart of Baby A… and the heart of Baby B.

Finally

Sorry that it’s been so long. We’ve been so busy around here and quite distracted!

May 5^th was the transfer. On May 10^th, I left my sister’s house to go grocery shopping and couldn’t resist picking up those damn tests. I knew it was way too early to test (5 days past transfer), but I told myself I would at least wait until the next morning to start my testing. Early testers are like addicts, though. As soon as I got home, I put the groceries away and tore open the test package. Seconds after peeing on the stick, I looked at it and saw nothing. I cursed myself for being so stupid and impatient and went into my room to change out of my work clothes. As I was getting dressed, I (of course) said to myself, “well, I didn’t wait the full 3 minutes or anything”. Back I went into the bathroom… to get the biggest shock of my life.

As I picked up the stick and held it up, I saw the faintest line you could probably detect on a pregnancy test, but, it was there. I immediately started crying and yelling, “oh my god, oh my god” over and over again. I stood there in my bathroom with one hand on my mouth and the other on my pregnancy test. My first ever POSITIVE pregnancy test!!!!!!!!!!!

When I calmed myself down a little, I called my sister. I tried to stay calm, but as soon as I started explaining that I saw a line, I lost it again. Within seconds she was on her way over. When we hung up I was so tempted to call her back and say something like, “nevermind, I don’t know what I’m talking about”. The denial was creeping in. As soon as she arrived she looked at the test and immediately saw the faint line. I wasn’t crazy. I was pregnant. I AM PREGNANT.

She stayed over for a while until it was time for my husband to come home. I was in denial. Something kept nagging at me and telling me that it wasn’t right. I kept thinking that the next morning I’d test and nothing would be there. It was surreal and incredible and I wish I could’ve allowed myself to enjoy it even more, but my brain wouldn’t allow that. My brain had been so used to getting NEGATIVES and BAD news. I didn’t know how to accept it.

That night, I told Dennis almost as soon as he got home. While he was just as thrilled and excited, he experienced some of the same feelings I was feeling. We just didn’t know how to accept it.

My beta test wasn’t supposed to be until the following Monday, but I managed to get it changed to Friday so I could get some numbers! When I went for the test, the lab tech told me that they wanted the number to be around 50. After hours of anticipation, we received the call that our number was already at 143!!! Our next test was 360 and the one after that was 813. Great numbers. 

The night after my first home pregnancy test, my sister, her husband, and my nephew went to have dinner at my mom’s. My sister and I made a plan that while they were eating dinner, Dennis and I would sneak in and surprise them with the news. So, while they were at the dining room table, Dennis and I came in with a bottle of champagne. I decorated the bottle with a label that said “FINALLY” and pink and blue ribbons. 

Needless to say, they were not only surprised, but ecstatic. That day is a day I’ll remember for the rest of my life.

More blogs to come… as many of you know we had another surprise shortly after the pregnancy news. As for now, I’m going to relax and soak in the fact that I just wrote my blog post about finding out I was pregnant. Our dreams are coming true

Waiting

We’re on day 4 of waiting. I have to admit that I have a bit of a negative feeling. Chances are that I’m just not allowing myself to get my hopes up too much. I guess I could just be trying to protect myself. Not that I honestly believe that it will make bad news any easier, but it’s worth a shot.

Speaking of shots… I’M SO SICK OF THEM!!! I’m so sore that it’s hard to sleep. Both sides of my butt feel like they have big tumors in them. On Saturday, right before my husband had to give me a shot, I freaked out. A hysterical freak out. An ugly cry. I called my mom in the middle of it (sorry about that) because I didn’t know what else to do. I recently saw something on Pinterest that said something like “No matter how old I get, when I feel bad I just want my mom”. So true. I calmed down a little after that, but it took me a while to start being rational again. These meds are getting too hard to handle. Progesterone and estrogen overload.

My strength may be weakening a bit, but my heart is still in it. Hopefully, next year at this time I will be celebrating Mother’s Day as a mom. God, I hope so. Not that my day was bad yesterday. My two beautiful god children (Jax and Molly) bought me flowers and I spent the day with a few wonderful women. I know I’m meant to be a mom. I just don’t know why it’s been so difficult to get there. I’ll be testing soon…. SO ANXIOUS!!!!

Frozen Transfer Day

Transfer day has arrived. I feel good. I'm a lot more relaxed this time around, I think. Maybe because I know what the process is like and I'm not really anticipating the unknown for today. I also think I'm trying not to have too many emotions one way or the other.

Either way, I feel pretty good today! Yet again, I've received cards, calls, messages, and texts and each one means so much to me. We have such wonderful people around us.

I'll probably update soon after the transfer, but as for now, the butterflies are starting. Hopefully there will be more than little butterflies in there within the next couple of weeks!

Let's go give those frozen babies a nice, warm home to live in!

Next Week!

After more bloodwork and an ultrasound today, the nurse told me that I'm cleared for the embryo transfer next week! This has seriously been the longest couple of months EVER. Tonight I'm just happy that I can stop giving myself the Lupron injections into my thigh. The side of my thigh is bruised and has about 25 little injections marks. Tonight's injection really hurt, but it was the LAST ONE!!! Unfortunately, tomorrow we start all of the progesterone injections. These injections go into the top of my backside. They suck. A lot. It'll all be worth it in a few weeks, right??????????????????

Also, GO BULLS!