Twinkie Update

Words will never be able to express how happy I am to be pregnant. Every day, I get more and more excited about meeting my little sweeties. Part of me feels like I already know them. I know it’s crazy, but I feel so strongly that I know them and their personalities. Maybe it’s all in my head, but it’s a very strange (but awesome) feeling. I’m always referring to Baby A as “she” and Baby B as “he”. I honestly would be very, very surprised if we had any other combination in there. It wouldn’t be a disappointed surprise, though. Our little family will be perfect no matter what their genders are.

I never thought it would be THIS hard to wait to find out what the genders are. My ultrasound is in a few days and I know I’m going to have to try my best to resist asking what I have inside of me right now. The only thing that keeps me from doing so is the thought of the moment when they actually arrive. I’ve always pictured that moment as being the most amazing moment of my life. Not that it would be any less amazing if I knew the sexes, but I’ve just never pictured it that way before. There are so few true surprises in life and I want this to be one of them for me and for my husband. We’ve waited for that moment… or those moments for such a long time.

My stomach is getting bigger, my acid reflux is scalding, I’m out of breath when they decide to get cozy in my ribs, I’m ridiculously emotional, I can’t eat a vegetable or look at raw chicken without throwing up in my mouth, I’m exhausted, I have crazy sleep patterns and dreams, I can’t go to the bathroom no matter WHAT I do (any advice here would be appreciated), working is becoming increasingly difficult, I’m nervous and scared, and I LOVE it all. Sounds crazy, but all of these things are constant reminders that our wish came true. They’re moving now as I’m typing and I couldn’t be happier.

I know so many people that are going through fertility issues right now. Stay strong. Keep hoping and wishing and praying. Miracles happen.

Finally

Sorry that it’s been so long. We’ve been so busy around here and quite distracted!

May 5^th was the transfer. On May 10^th, I left my sister’s house to go grocery shopping and couldn’t resist picking up those damn tests. I knew it was way too early to test (5 days past transfer), but I told myself I would at least wait until the next morning to start my testing. Early testers are like addicts, though. As soon as I got home, I put the groceries away and tore open the test package. Seconds after peeing on the stick, I looked at it and saw nothing. I cursed myself for being so stupid and impatient and went into my room to change out of my work clothes. As I was getting dressed, I (of course) said to myself, “well, I didn’t wait the full 3 minutes or anything”. Back I went into the bathroom… to get the biggest shock of my life.

As I picked up the stick and held it up, I saw the faintest line you could probably detect on a pregnancy test, but, it was there. I immediately started crying and yelling, “oh my god, oh my god” over and over again. I stood there in my bathroom with one hand on my mouth and the other on my pregnancy test. My first ever POSITIVE pregnancy test!!!!!!!!!!!

When I calmed myself down a little, I called my sister. I tried to stay calm, but as soon as I started explaining that I saw a line, I lost it again. Within seconds she was on her way over. When we hung up I was so tempted to call her back and say something like, “nevermind, I don’t know what I’m talking about”. The denial was creeping in. As soon as she arrived she looked at the test and immediately saw the faint line. I wasn’t crazy. I was pregnant. I AM PREGNANT.

She stayed over for a while until it was time for my husband to come home. I was in denial. Something kept nagging at me and telling me that it wasn’t right. I kept thinking that the next morning I’d test and nothing would be there. It was surreal and incredible and I wish I could’ve allowed myself to enjoy it even more, but my brain wouldn’t allow that. My brain had been so used to getting NEGATIVES and BAD news. I didn’t know how to accept it.

That night, I told Dennis almost as soon as he got home. While he was just as thrilled and excited, he experienced some of the same feelings I was feeling. We just didn’t know how to accept it.

My beta test wasn’t supposed to be until the following Monday, but I managed to get it changed to Friday so I could get some numbers! When I went for the test, the lab tech told me that they wanted the number to be around 50. After hours of anticipation, we received the call that our number was already at 143!!! Our next test was 360 and the one after that was 813. Great numbers. 

The night after my first home pregnancy test, my sister, her husband, and my nephew went to have dinner at my mom’s. My sister and I made a plan that while they were eating dinner, Dennis and I would sneak in and surprise them with the news. So, while they were at the dining room table, Dennis and I came in with a bottle of champagne. I decorated the bottle with a label that said “FINALLY” and pink and blue ribbons. 

Needless to say, they were not only surprised, but ecstatic. That day is a day I’ll remember for the rest of my life.

More blogs to come… as many of you know we had another surprise shortly after the pregnancy news. As for now, I’m going to relax and soak in the fact that I just wrote my blog post about finding out I was pregnant. Our dreams are coming true

Waiting

We’re on day 4 of waiting. I have to admit that I have a bit of a negative feeling. Chances are that I’m just not allowing myself to get my hopes up too much. I guess I could just be trying to protect myself. Not that I honestly believe that it will make bad news any easier, but it’s worth a shot.

Speaking of shots… I’M SO SICK OF THEM!!! I’m so sore that it’s hard to sleep. Both sides of my butt feel like they have big tumors in them. On Saturday, right before my husband had to give me a shot, I freaked out. A hysterical freak out. An ugly cry. I called my mom in the middle of it (sorry about that) because I didn’t know what else to do. I recently saw something on Pinterest that said something like “No matter how old I get, when I feel bad I just want my mom”. So true. I calmed down a little after that, but it took me a while to start being rational again. These meds are getting too hard to handle. Progesterone and estrogen overload.

My strength may be weakening a bit, but my heart is still in it. Hopefully, next year at this time I will be celebrating Mother’s Day as a mom. God, I hope so. Not that my day was bad yesterday. My two beautiful god children (Jax and Molly) bought me flowers and I spent the day with a few wonderful women. I know I’m meant to be a mom. I just don’t know why it’s been so difficult to get there. I’ll be testing soon…. SO ANXIOUS!!!!

Frozen Transfer Day

Transfer day has arrived. I feel good. I'm a lot more relaxed this time around, I think. Maybe because I know what the process is like and I'm not really anticipating the unknown for today. I also think I'm trying not to have too many emotions one way or the other.

Either way, I feel pretty good today! Yet again, I've received cards, calls, messages, and texts and each one means so much to me. We have such wonderful people around us.

I'll probably update soon after the transfer, but as for now, the butterflies are starting. Hopefully there will be more than little butterflies in there within the next couple of weeks!

Let's go give those frozen babies a nice, warm home to live in!

Next Week!

After more bloodwork and an ultrasound today, the nurse told me that I'm cleared for the embryo transfer next week! This has seriously been the longest couple of months EVER. Tonight I'm just happy that I can stop giving myself the Lupron injections into my thigh. The side of my thigh is bruised and has about 25 little injections marks. Tonight's injection really hurt, but it was the LAST ONE!!! Unfortunately, tomorrow we start all of the progesterone injections. These injections go into the top of my backside. They suck. A lot. It'll all be worth it in a few weeks, right??????????????????

Also, GO BULLS!

Jaxon

Last year, on April 24^th, our family was blessed with the sweetest, cutest, craziest little boy in the world. On this day, my sister gave birth to my nephew, Jaxon. I remember the day as if it was yesterday and I hope I always do…

April 24^th happened to be Easter morning and we were planning on going to my aunt’s house for the day. As soon as I heard my phone ring at 7 am, I knew it was time for the baby’s arrival. Amy didn’t find out the sex or tell us any of the names her and Kevin were considering so we were ready for a day full of surprises. Well, as ready as one can be, I guess. 

After my mom called to tell me they were on the way to the hospital, I got dressed and headed to my mom’s. Since her house is just minutes away from the hospital, I went there to wait for the call that it was official. Within minutes of arriving, Amy called to say that it was, in fact, official. This day would be my nephew’s birthday. I remember when my mom hung up the phone and told my dad, my brother, and me, we all started rushing around to get ready…I'm not even really sure what we were doing, but within seconds we all stopped and just looked at each other. With that, we were all crying and hugging in the middle of the kitchen. I guess it hit us all: we were going to have someone else come into our family today. The feeling was overwhelming.

My dad, brother, and husband stayed home while my mom and I went to the hospital. We had no idea how long things were going to take, but we knew the guys did not have to be there all day. It was surreal seeing my sister in the hospital room ready to have a baby. The whole time I was choking back tears. Tears of excitement, anxiety, fear, happiness. I didn’t want my sister to see how emotionally unstable I was at the time because my main concern was making her feel comfortable and confident.Inside, I wanted to throw up! I hated seeing her in pain and not being able to do anything to help her was awful. It wasn’t long before things got intense and my mom and I were asked to leave. It seems like we waited for days. In reality, we waited for hours… and only a couple of them. It was torture being in the hallways and watching nurses and doctors come in and out. We had no idea if things were going okay because no one even looked at us to tell us (which obviously made us more nervous!). Sensing things were getting close, we stood right outside of the room and waited in silence. Then, it happened. We heard a baby crying. My sister’s baby was here… just in the next room. Again, the emotions overwhelmed us and we cried and hugged in the hallway. 

A short while later, Kevin came out to tell us that the precious cries that we heard  were from a sweet baby boy. Jaxon James. Everything about his announcement felt right… felt perfect. Everything was exactly as it was meant to be.

Here we are, one year later and everything with him still feels perfect. He’s such an amazing kid. Inquisitive, smart, hilarious, active, a little crazy and absolutely adorable.  We are all so blessed to have him in our lives. 

I'm still astonished when people tell me to avoid babies or baby showers. Babies, especially my nephew, are the reason I can still do this. They remind me that there is a goal... there is a "reward" at the end. Giving myself shots and taking pills and wearing patches almost feels normal now. Jaxon reminds me that it isn't normal and that I'm working for something. Something amazing.  

Quick update!

Hi all! I know it’s been a while (I love that people were asking me to update!), but nothing much has been going on. We’re all set for our frozen transfer in a couple of weeks. It’s been a nice, little break from everything (except the meds, of course!). The other night I drank A LOT. I haven’t done that in forever. I guess I kinda felt like I’d better live it up now! And I did. It’s two days later and I’m still paying for it. But, anyway, I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that I haven’t abandoned the blog. We’ve been busy and I’ve also gone back and forth on certain topics that I may address. For now, just a quick check-in to say that everything is going well and we’re starting to get excited about our next transfer. I think the next couple of blogs will be about my nephew’s first birthday, what NOT to say to people going through ivf, and then, hopefully a night before transfer blog! Until then…

Moving on...

We’re back in the game.

I went to the doctor today. He, first and foremost, expressed how sorry he was that our ivf cycle didn’t work and that he still had complete confidence that eventually, it will work. He’s a realist and said that he wouldn’t give me hope if he didn’t think we had any. He believes we have more than enough hope to make this baby!

While he couldn’t give me a reason why the embryo didn’t implant, he did explain that he believes my eggs were a little “overcooked” this time around and that if we had to do invitro again he would adjust my meds so that I can produce even more eggs next time. I’m just hoping we never have to do ivf again.

He wants to go right into using the frozen embryos. That’s right. I said embryos… with an S. He’s decided that he is definitely going to put both in. YIKES. Exciting. yet scary.  He also said that this time he is going to make sure that HE is the one doing the transfer. As soon as he said that I felt a huge relief.

We’re not going to do the transfer until mid-May. I feel good about this since I think I need a little bit of a mental and physical break from everything. Plus, the fact that the frozen transfer is SO MUCH easier than the whole ivf process is making me really happy.

So, good news all around!