Bring on the Rain

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done was try to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for what could’ve been one of the best days of my life or one of the worst.  As you already know, it turned out to be one of the worst.  Even on one of the worst days of my life, however, I had countless hugs, texts, emails, calls and words of support and inspiration. Despite the fact that I’m going through the most difficult thing I’ve personally ever been through, I’m a lucky girl.

Yesterday morning, I went in for my beta. I had taken a home pregnancy test the day before and it was negative. I immediately started googling if it was possible to get a positive beta when you had a negative pregnancy test at  9 days past embryo transfers. As my sister said, I focused on all of the posts and threads that came out to be negative, but there were also a great deal of posts that said it was very possible. I still had hope.

When I sat down to get my blood drawn the nurse asked if I had taken a test and I told her that I had the day before and it was negative. With a disappointed look on her face, she said, “Oh, poop.” And that was it. I had woken up feeling pretty good, but as soon as she said that, my heart sank. I sat there trying to find the words to ask if that meant that she thought I didn’t have a chance or if there was a percentage she could give me or something, but I had nothing.

I went to work feeling pretty awful, but my nerves and anxiety were overpowering. I felt like I was going to be sick the entire day. For over a week, I had two scenarios playing out in my head. Scenario one: I would call my sister, brother, and parents and have them get together with us to celebrate. Scenario two: I would have to call them and tell them it didn’t work and then go home and drink a bottle of wine. Neither actually happened.

I got my call at about 1:45. The tone of the nurse’s voice let me know right away that it wasn’t good news. “Elisabeth, it was negative. You can go ahead and stop all medications.” I thought I’d be able to at least get through the phone call without bawling like a baby, but no such luck. Even though, I think I knew deep down, it still felt like someone knocked the wind out of me and broke my heart at the same time.

You know how you replay bad phone calls in your head over and over? That’s what I keep doing. Or how you sometimes “forget” what happened for a few minutes and then it comes back flooding over you? Or how you wake up in the middle of the night and suddenly flashback to the day before? Yuck.

Calling my husband and my mom to tell them it didn’t work was incredibly hard. Knowing how much everyone is pulling for us makes it so much harder. Our situation isn't only breaking our hearts... there are lots of people in this with us, but especially my mom and sister.

I cried a lot yesterday. A lot. The only good thing that I can say right now is that I at least have a feeling of relief. I don’t have to be anxious for an answer right now… I know the answer.

Like my husband said, “It wouldn’t be ‘us’ if it worked the first time. Nothing comes easy.” We might be down right now, but we’re not defeated. A single battle lost, but not the war.

I’m off of work today (my principal and coworkers are AWESOME) and it’s raining. I like it.