Rambling

Tonight will be day four of taking injections. My husband has been so awesome over the past few nights. Not only does he mix the meds and put together the injections, but he encourages me and helps me remember why we're doing this.

The injections really aren't too bad. The Menopur is starting to sting when it goes in and then for a little while after I'm done.

This morning I went for my ultrasound and bloodwork and the lab technician told me that I, "have lots of follicles" and that she thinks "things will go very well" for me! Leaving the fertility clinic with some positive words is always a good way to start my day!

We're still not sure exactly when everything is going to happen, but I go back for another ultrasound and more bloodwork in 2 days. Hopefully, we'll get more answers then. That is one thing that has been a little annoying and frustrating throughout this process: the amount of questions we have. Well, that and not knowing exactly what to ask. The nurses, lab techs, doctor, etc. have been really nice and supportive through everything, but I've always felt like they act like I should already know the answer to a lot of my questions. They aren't ever rude or condescending or anything. I just wish that they would remember that people are new to these things and that they are often overwhelmed, nervous, anxious, frustrated and confused about a lot of it.

I should take my own advice. Recently, I was discussing my situation with a friend at work. I was telling her how I've felt so disconnected from my students this year and I just can't seem to get into the swing of things at work. She said, "Well, this is a selfish year for you". She didn't mean it in an insulting way at all. In fact, those words made me feel a little more at ease. I'm not saying that I don't do my job the best I can or that I don't treat my students fairly and with great care, but I can say that I have not given as much to my career as I have in years past. So, I guess it is a "selfish year" for me. I wish that it was a selfish year because I won the lottery or something and spent the year traveling. Instead it's a selfish year because I'm going through a trying time. So while I hate that I'm having a selfish year, I really don't see how else I would've survived.

This afternoon, I caught the end of an episode of Friends. It was "The One with the Birth Mother". In it, Monica and Chandler meet the potential mother of their child. When Chandler has to convince her that they are the right people for the job he says that Monica is a mother without a baby. My eyes filled with tears and my heart hurt. I know the feeling of not being able to have a baby when you know you're meant to be a mother. I just hope and pray and have faith that I won't have this feeling for too much longer.

Sorry about the rambling today... my brain is kinda all over the place!

Relief!

We're clear to start the meds! Today I had to go to another doctor to get "cleared" for the process. Since my BMI is a little high, I had to get some tests run just to make sure I'm healthy enough to go through the process and then to actually be pregnant. The doctor said that everything looks great and we can go ahead with our plans for IVF. I cannot even begin to express what a relief it was to hear that. While I knew I didn't have any medical issues or anything, there was that little thought in the back of my mind of "you never know". Well, we know now.

This Friday I'm going to start my injections (eek!). I take two injections on Friday and the next few days. My next ultrasound and bloodwork are scheduled for next Monday. I feel like I've been on a little vacation from everything, but after today, I'm ready to get back to work.

On another note, today is my sister's birthday. I can't believe she turned 28 today! I remember when she was 6 or 7 and brought home a dead mouse in a plastic bag because she said her teacher told them to bring in pets for show-and-tell. Being a couple years older than her, I wondered what in the hell she could've possibly been thinking. That seems like only a few years ago. I'm so glad I don't have to wonder "what in the hell is she thinking?" anymore. She's turned into a wonderful person, a great teacher, and an incredible mother. I'm so lucky to not only have her as a sister, but as a best friend. I don't know what I'd do without her. We talk every single day without fail and I hope that never changes.

Because my life and the lives of my family members have been so crazy for the past few years, it's easy to dwell on the negative. But today, I'm thinking of all of the good things... all of the happy things. Even if they seem to be few and far between lately, they're still around. Today, I'm thankful.

Judgments

As I was watching some IVF videos today, I did something stupid… really stupid. I looked at the comments on the videos.  Sometimes I think that the most ignorant people alive are the ones that post in the comments of any video, news story, article, etc. After reading some posts, I can say the following:

I am not trying to “play god” by going through the invitro fertilization process. I’m not trying to create something that is unnatural or without flaw. My husband and I want a family. We want a family that has a little bit of me and a little bit of him within them. We want to raise a family of strong, loving, open-minded and intelligent people.  It is not God’s decision what I do with my life and my body… it is mine.  So, again, I’m not trying to play any role. I’m just trying to live the life I want to live while I’m on this earth.

I do not believe that we are “egotistical and selfish”. I know that the world will be a better place when the child that we’ve created is born.  However, I don’t believe this because we are full of ourselves, I believe this because our child won’t be raised to judge others. Our child will be raised to love and accept others and their decisions… whether they agree with them or not. Our child won’t be raised to believe that there is only one way… there is only one religion… there is only one truth. Everyone has the right to his or her own beliefs and our child will learn to respect that. If wanting to create a better world and share our love with a child is egotistical and selfish, then I’ll have to start taking those as compliments.

One person’s comments were very heavily influenced by the Catholic church. While I was confident that I already knew the church’s stance on IVF, I felt the need to do a little researching. Sure enough, my inferences were correct. The Catholic church believes that what Dennis and I are doing is wrong. I’m not going to go into detail about everything that was said about my moral judgement and character, but I will tell you to investigate for yourself if you are interested. It’s disappointing to be raised a certain way only to grow up and realize you and your religion strongly disagree on many, many issues.  I was raised Catholic and for a long time I continued to claim that Catholicism was my religion. I was driven away from the religion a few years ago based upon how many beliefs of the church’s differ from my own, but now I feel like they drove me a way, slammed the door behind me and locked it up tight. 

I hope no one takes this the wrong way. I am not trying to slam Catholics or those who believe in the church and its teachings. I know there are many practicing Catholics that are loving, supportive, intelligent, amazing people. This is not meant to disrespect them or take away from their beliefs. I’m just responding to the way people judge others. Hmmm... someone judging someone based on moral decisions and values… THAT sounds like someone who is trying to “play god”.

My spirituality and my beliefs are my own. They may not coincide with a specific religipn or may not have specific rules, but I believe they are strong and come from faith and love… two incredibly powerful things.

I will not feel guilty about our decisions.  I will not let the narrow-minded and judgmental people in this world bring down our hopes and dreams.  

All you need is love. Love is all you need.

Yikes! Meds!

When I pulled into my driveway today I could see a big cardboard box waiting for me on the porch. My meds.

I immediately brought the box inside and ripped it open because some of the meds need to be refrigerated. People have been telling me not to be overwhelmed by the amount of meds and that it just seems like a lot. Yikes. It does not seem like a lot. It is a lot. Here’s a pic:

 

This is quite overwhelming, but knowing that I don’t have to start anything just yet is what’s keeping me sane. I don’t even know what most of this stuff is for. I do see quite a few syringes, though. Who doesn’t get excited about giving themselves injections every day, multiple times a day? Eeeek… this is getting real.

When I was talking to my sister today, I mentioned that I have been enjoying this mental (and physical) break from everything. It’s been nice not having to go to the doctor to get probed, not having to pay attention to every twinge, not having a bruised arm from drawing blood, and not having to be, well, a basket case. Don’t get me wrong, I’m anxious for this to happen. I just needed a break. Hopefully soon I’ll feel even more mentally relaxed and ready to begin this next phase. I wish I knew WHEN everything was going to happen. I’m a planner. Things like this don’t sit well with planners. Oh well. Que Sera Sera!