Colic (sucks)

My heart is breaking for my poor girl. She screams and screams and screams. Nothing seems to soothe her lately. As if being helpless in the NICU wasn’t enough, I feel helpless, now, at home. This doesn’t seem fair. It’s not the fact that she’s screaming, though, it’s that she’s in pain and I can’t do anything about it. We have tried everything to help this girl! The term “colic” seems like a cop out to me. Figure out what’s wrong with these babies and why they can’t calm down!

I hate to wish this time away, but I hate knowing that Violet is miserable. I think I was really naïve as to how this would all be. I could handle the no sleep and the craziness of handling two babies by myself, but I cannot handle her being an unhappy baby… or worse, a baby in pain.

When the babies are happy (which Cam is for the most part), words can’t express how I feel. Seeing them smile makes my heart swell 10 sizes. It’s the most precious thing I’ve ever seen. They are starting to watch me. If I put them in their cribs for a minute to play or something, I watch their little eyes follow me. I can’t help but reassure them that I’ll be right back and I’ll never leave them.

I know it’s seems silly, but I do wonder if they have any recollection of the NICU. If they think that there is going to be a period of time when I’m not going to be there. I hate thinking about that and I know they probably don’t have those thoughts, but I can’t help but think about it.

Last night was another rough night for Violet. I posted for help on facebook and we had already tried everything that people had suggested. My poor girl… I hope she feels better soon. I cried most of the night right along with her last night. Listening to her and not being able to do anything is heartbreaking and stressful. There are definitely times when I feel like I’m going to lose it. That’s when my husband steps in, though, and takes over. We make a pretty good team. We’ve always known that, but the past 4 months have really proven it to be a fact. Sure we argue and get irritated with one another, but we really work together and cooperate and support each other. I’m so lucky to have found my soulmate… and even luckier that he’s so helpful!

The Adroable Sheppard Twins

Ohhhh hey! Remember me? I used to blog every now and again. This was all before the twins came home and the “honeymoon” ended. Things have been crazy, to say the least, and I have had zero time to blog. I actually started an entry like 2 weeks ago and was never able to finish. Yes, things have been crazy.

First and foremost, the babies are doing exceptionally well. Both of the babies are gaining plenty of weight: Cam weighs 9 lbs 10 oz and Violet weighs 8 lbs 10 oz. They are growing like crazy and already out of their newborn clothes. It was bittersweet taking all of those adorable outfits out of their drawers. On the one hand, I am beyond thrilled that my babies are getting big and strong just as they should be. On the other hand, my babies are getting big!!! It seemed like our time in the NICU crawled by and now this time is flying. Go figure.

As I mentioned, the honeymoon is definitely over. Violet has been screaming her head off anywhere from 5pm-12am on a nightly basis. It’s been rough. The poor little girl looks like she’s in so much pain sometimes and nothing calms her down. I can tell when she is just in the groove and screams because she wants to and I can tell when she is seriously not feeling good. Most of the time, at night, she’s not feeling very good. When we went to the doctor the other day, we asked if we could take her off of the Neosure since we thought maybe this was adding to her discomfort. The doctor said he was fine with that considering she’s gaining weight and everything else is fine. It’s been two nights on Enfamil and it has been much better. Who knows if it’s directly related to the change, but the screaming has lessened a TON. I can’t even begin to tell you how relieved that makes me feel. The worst feeling in the world (and I know it all too well) is not being able to “take care” of your baby. It’s heartbreaking to watch them go through something you have no control over. I thought maybe since we had that experience in the NICU, I really wouldn’t have to deal with it much at home. I was, of course, wrong. Every mother goes through this… I’m sure for the rest of her life. You want so bad to make everything better for them and take all of their pain away and you know that you can’t do it. Motherhood…

Luckily, Cameron is a very happy baby. Sure, he has his moments where he’s upset or uncomfortable, but for the most part this kid is a dream! He’s such a good boy while Violet gets all the attention sometimes. Another heartbreaking part of motherhood: being able to give each baby the exact amount of attention all the time. It’s impossible. I’m learning so much as I go along, but one of the most significant things is that I cannot control everything. I’ve learned to take a lot of deep breaths and take things as they come. And as those things come, I handle them the best way I know how and the best way I’m capable.

Please don’t think I’m complaining. Every time, I get frustrated with Violet’s screaming or feel like collapsing from exhaustion, I get a huge wave of guilt. I feel like I’m not allowed to feel those things because I’m just lucky to have my babies home. I mean, as of now, if our only issue is Violet being a colicky baby after having these babies at 26 weeks, how can I complain? The fact is, I’m not complaining, but I am human. It IS frustrating to deal with a screaming baby for hours and it DOES take its toll on a person when you aren’t getting any sleep at night. I’m doing the best I can. I tell the babies that all the time. I hope they know how hard I’m trying and how much I love them. There is nothing in the world I’d rather be doing and nowhere in the world I’d rather be than with them. The moments where Violet is happy and Cameron is smiling make every single second of screaming so worth it. Violet is really started to watch everything I do now. When I get up and walk away she watches. It’s so precious. Cameron is starting to focus more when we are talking to him or playing with him. I love watching them grow and progress and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

I can’t believe we’ve reached a point where I finally feel pretty relieved about their health. I know that they may have obstacles to overcome in the future, but I’m not worried. These babies are so strong and amazing that I have nothing but faith in them. Every day, they remind me that miracles happen. When I feel like breaking down because of other things in my life, I just have to look at them and I instantly feel a sense of comfort. They are a constant reminder that anything is possible in life.

I still relive my few days in the hospital every single night. I’m not sure how normal that is. Some nights I cry about it a little and some nights a lot. I’m still not okay with it. I wonder if I ever will be. I still feel the guilt and the fear. I still feel the pain and the anxiety. I still see the doctors talking to me. I still feel the discomfort of the delivery bed. I still remember thinking I just wanted it all to end. I hope some of it goes away. I hate reliving it all the time, but it’s like I can’t control it. It just happens. I lay down or I’m looking at them and all of a sudden my brain becomes flooded with the thoughts and my heart with the emotions. It’s strange.

I’m a lucky girl to have such beautiful and amazing babies. That’s something I know I’ll never forget. By the way, they are the cutest things that ever lived.