A Love Like No Other

On this day in 1959, my grandfather (Papa) and my grandmother (Grammy) were married. They’ve told the story of how it snowed like crazy that day. My Papa sometimes pulls out receipts from that day to show us how much the reception hall cost and how much the bar bill was for everyone. He looks at the picture of them from that day and says, “See the glimmer in her eyes? That’s where it all began.” Sadly, he’s the only one of the two that can recall the events from that day; that day and so many other special days in their lives.

I imagine that 53 years ago when they took their vows “In good times and in bad. In sickness and in health…” they knew that someday they would both get old and gray. I don’t think that either of them pictured how things are now, though. Dementia has taken so much away from our family, but mostly from my Grammy and Papa. His love for her is unconditional and absolutely awe-inspiring. I’ve never seen anything like it. The way he’s always looked at her, talked to her and about her, and just loved her is amazing. People could only hope that they experience just a day of this in their lifetimes.

53 years is an incredible feat. But having so much life and love in those 53 years is unheard of.  Yes, I believe whole-heartedly that they have been robbed of their “golden years” and that what has happened is unexplainable and unfair. However, I try to look at a little glimmer of light through it all. I also believe that their love story will carry on for many generations to come. I know my future children will know all about this love story and I have no doubts that because of its beauty and strength it will continue to be told until the end of time.

My heart aches for them and (maybe selfishly) for the rest of us that feel helpless against this disease.

There is nothing for us to do except watch the love story’s heartbreaking ending. But, true love never dies-- no matter the circumstance.  Someday, somewhere, sometime, somehow, all will be perfect for them once again.

If you feel like being generous, hop on to www.alz.org to help find a cure for Alzheimer’s OR please visit the site and sign the petition to get the government to do something about this tragic disease

The next step

It’s official. I went to my fertility doctor today to start the IVF process. Talking about it all today really started to make me sad and nervous and mad and scared and frustrated and annoyed and overwhelmed… I could probably keep going, but I won’t. I can’t believe we’ve gotten to this point. Yes, I know it’s common these days, but that does not make me feel any better. I feel like such a failure. This empty feeling is just getting worse and worse and it breaks my heart that this is what we have to go through for a baby.

I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard today. I guess, maybe, because it became real today. I’ve been crying since I got home and I don’t want to stop.

In case you don’t know anything about the IVF process, here’s a link to the FCI website:

http://fcionline6.reachlocal.net/fertility/assisted-reproductive-technologies/in-vitro-fertilization

The doctor said that chances of conceiving go up to 40-50% with IVF. Awesome numbers. With the success rates going up, however, so do the risks. There are risks of infection, internal bleeding, enlarged ovaries, birth defects and miscarriage. All of it just seemed so overwhelming.  I feel like I just don’t want to do it. I’m going to, of course, but I want to throw a fit about it.

Tomorrow I will start with a fresh attitude. Tomorrow I will wake up and be positive about all of this. Tomorrow I will be thankful that my insurance covers all of this and that I have a lot of support from my husband, family, and friends. Tomorrow I will suck it up and do what I need to do to have a baby. Tonight, though, I think I’m just going to cry and have a bottle of wine.

Two in One Day!

Here we are... 16 days past IUI. Negative test. No period. This is so frustrating and annoying! I'm almost sure that the test would've shown a positive if there was a chance that I'm pregnant. I'm 99% sure that I'm not pregnant. It's just that 1% chance that is driving me absolutely crazy. Today, at work, I got a really bad headache and felt a little queasy throughout the day. I left work a little early, took some ibprofen and got some caffeine in me and within a couple hours my headache was going away. Oh, and I picked up a test on my way home.

Of course, I'd be late this month... when I'm freaking out about this. I'm going to call my nurse tomorrow so I'm sure she'll tell me to come in for a blood test if nothing's happened by tomorrow. I'm just nervous that if I don't get it and I'm not pregnant, that means I didn't ovulate. With the clomid and an ovidryl shot one would think that's almost impossible. Who knows. Guess I'll find out tomorrow. Fingers are still crossed... but this is just ridiculous.

Peanut Butter Bars

This weekend we went to our friends' house for a game night. I decided to bring some Peanut Butter
Squares that I made for a Christmas party a couple of years ago. It's a simple, no bake recipe that is perfect if you feel like indulging. And you definitely have to want to indulge if you make these... they are SUPER rich.

Here's what you need:

1 cup of butter
1 cup of peanut butter (I've found that Peter Pan is by far the best peanut butter to use with cooking/baking)
3 cups of confectioner's sugar
1 and half cups of graham cracker crumbs
1 bag of milk chocolate morsels

First melt the butter in a large pot:

After the butter has melted, add the peanut butter and melt that with the butter:

Once the butter and peanut butter are in liquid form and melted, remove from heat and add the confectioner's sugar and graham cracker crumbs. Continue mixing (with a spoon is fine) until the mixture is no longer dry. The mixture will be obviously not be smooth because of the crumbs.

When cool enough (which is pretty quickly) pack the mixture into a 9x11 baking dish or raised cookie sheet.

Next, melt the chocolate and pour/spread evenly over the peanut butter mixture.

The "recipe" I used said that you should chill the bars in the refrigerator for an hour before serving. I, however, have found that if you let them sit out (NOT in the refrigerator) they are much better. When I put them in the refrigerator, they are hard to cut, crumbly and the chocolate comes off. My advice is to just let them sit out for a while before serving... maybe cover them with foil, though.

Last step is to cut and enjoy! YUM!

13 days past IUI

13 LONG days past IUI. Last night I had a dream that I took a positive test. So, this morning, I woke up and was really excited and feeling good. I took the test at about 5:45 am. Negative. I know it's still a little early, but I've read that so many people that use the Early Response tests get their positives at like 10, 11, 12 days past IUI or ovulation. No such luck this morning.

While I'm crabby as hell about this, I still feel pretty normal. The only weird thing that I noticed today was that as I was reading a story to my class, I had to swallow every few seconds. I couldn't read more than a sentence or two without having to swallow! Excess saliva. It was weird and gross. After I finished the story, I went to my desk and ate some pretzels to try to help it out. Then, of course I really couldn't stop swallowing because I was thinking about. Still no facial breakout which is usually a clear indicator that AF is on its way. Still a few days of hope left.... fingers crossed, again.

It was in the house!

Today is 10 days past IUI. All last night I kept waking up and thinking about the stupid pregnancy test sitting in the cabinet. Needless to say, I lost all will power and took it this morning. Well duh... it was negative. I know it's too early, but it's getting REALLY HARD to wait. It's almost like you just want to take it to feel like you have control over something that has to do with the whole situation.

Feeling good still. Normal. Today my back hurt a little bit and then I had weird shooting pains in my breast, but other than that completely normal. Usually, about a week before my period arrives, I break out in one spot on my face. Last month, as soon as that happened, I felt like I knew it hadn't worked. I've yet to break out this month. Could mean nothing considering I'm on progesterone and stuff, but everyday I don't break out, I get a little happier.

I don't have any tests in the house right now. I was tempted to stop at Walgreens so I could take one tomorrow morning, but I resisted.

This wait sucks... unless it worked... then it'll be MORE than worth the wait.

Surprise!

Today was my best friend's 30th birthday. Lindsey has been there for me in good times and bad for the past 20 years of my life. She's sweet, caring, funny, understanding and can put up with a lot without losing her temper or treating people poorly. She's awesome. I'm so lucky to have someone like her as a best friend.

Yesterday, Lindsey's sister, mom and boyfriend threw her a surprise 30th birthday party. It went perfectly because she had absolutely no idea. When Linds walked in, you could see the shock in her face and also how happy she was feeling. As she walked over to us, and she hugged my sister, my eyes went directly to her hand. And there it was.... A BIG FAT DIAMOND!!! Her boyfriend had proposed to her that day. Two amazing surprises in one day!

Words can't express how happy I am for my best friend. She was glowing last night... seriously! I've never seen her so happy. She deserves every bit of it.

Keep it up, 2012... I like where we're headed!