When I was young, there were four things I wanted to be when
I grew up: a singer, a softball player, a teacher, and a mom.
While I was involved in concert choir, showchoir and
musicals in high school, I soon realized that while I absolutely LOVED being on
stage and singing, I didn’t have the same passion for music itself. Some of my
best memories from high school include moments of belting out a high note on
stage or getting chills while singing a ballad. The music part and the hard
work that goes into it just didn’t appeal to me. Cross singer off the list.
I played softball in the summer and in school until I was
about 21. We were all-stars in our summer league and in high school, but once
college rolled around it was obvious this would NOT be something I would
continue for much longer. Another dream fades…
While in college, I decided to place my focus on English
Education. One of my teachers in high school, Mr. Flanders, finally opened up
the world of reading and literature to me. I knew I wanted to read and discuss
and learn with kids. This dream came true rather quickly and easily for me. I
went to school for a few years, student taught, and was offered a job directly
out of college. Funny that looking back I just described this as “quickly and
easily”… that was definitely not what I was thinking back then. Is it time that
changes a perspective or growth? Anyway, things didn’t go EXACTLY as I planned
because I ended up becoming a middle school teacher as opposed to a high school
teacher. At first, I was disappointed because things didn’t quite go according
to plan. Now, I feel like I know why it all happened. I found a place where I’ve
learned lessons great and small, made friends both with students and teachers,
and have enough memories and moments in my mind to write an awesome, roller
coaster of a book.
Not that being a mom is the ONLY dream I have, but it
certainly is what I want the most. Infertility has been crippling in our lives.
I’ve put so much on hold and avoided doing so many things because of it. Did I
have to avoid all of it or put all of it on hold? Probably not. But, it
happened. I do have to say that since I’ve never been “regular” I always had a
feeling that I may have trouble conceiving. By trouble I mean I thought it
would take a while for us to be successful. I really never imagined this. But,
here we are. I’m clinging to my dream more than ever. Anyone who knows me knows
how much I HATE not being able to do something. I get discouraged easily and
feel like quitting when I don’t get something on my first couple of tries.
Though, those of you who know me also know I have a tad bit of a competitive
streak running through me (thanks, Dad). People usually DON’T want to be my bean bag
partner or play games with me simply because I get “too competitive” (wimps). I
was scary when I played softball sometimes… scary. Time to get scary. I’ve
never wanted anything more in my life and I’m not sure if I ever will. I’m
going to keep fighting and eventually I will get what I want. If injections,
hormones, blood work, ultrasounds, mood swings, and procedures are what it
takes to make my dream come true then I will continue this journey. The
destination has to be close. This will happen. I will win.
April has gone by sickeningly slow and I’m SO HAPPY we’re
entering May. In a couple of weeks we’re going in for the frozen transfer. I
CAN’T WAIT!!!
“A dream is a wish your heart makes…”
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